That Michael Jackson, what a character. He barely went five minutes without getting into some sort of hilarious situation.

If he wasn’t buying all sorts of ridiculous crap that he couldn’t afford, he was probably skidding around in monkey poo. People complain when we call him Wacko Jacko, but how could you not?

One thing that really did make Michael less wacky was his relationship with children. There’s just something a little bit weird about a grown man who shares his bed with kids, no matter how innocently it’s done. But Michael Jackson is dead now, so that will no longer be a problem, right? Wrong – Michael Jackson has returned from beyond the grave, and once again he’s targeting the young. The very young.

Now, during an ultrascan, parents-to-be Dawn Kelley and William Hickman spotted something strange. Normally, people wouldn’t be excited by this, but the couple are from Sunderland. Usually, the town only gets excited when the giro cheques come in or the local chip shop runs a deal. But Dawn and William clearly saw dear old dead Michael Jackson on their unborn child’s face – that’s better than spending £20 on a fruit machine and winning a tenner back. Mr Hickhan told The Telegraph:

“I showed my daughter Ami, who’s six, and she saw it straight away, so I thought ‘well if she can see it too it’s not just me seeing things We were looking at the pictures again, and I just saw Jacko there.”

Bloody hell! So will that finally put Sunderland on the tourist map? Will grieving Michael Jackson fans make pilgrimages Sunderland to see the unborn Jacko miracle in a town that has more branches of Greggs than people? The queues haven’t started to form as yet, and even the proud father-to-be doesn’t seem arsed that his future child is marked by Michael Jackson. Speaking again, Mr Hickhan said:

“None of us are really Michael Jackson fans. I mean I like him, but we’re not crazy about him or anything.”

Perhaps the couple could hatch a Balloon Boy-style plot and force the child to work until it belts out a number one hit. But since the newborn will be a girl, they run the risk of giving birth to a LaToya, and that’s the thing that all parents fear the most.

However, it does seem that the couple from Sunderland expected this birth to be all mystical and strange. Had they been watching the Michael Jackson séance with comedy medium Derek Acorah? Don’t be daft, the couple are from Sunderland remember. The happy mother said:

“But it is my seventh child, and they say seven is a mythical number.”

Why don’t you make up your own mind – here’s the spooky Michael Jackson ultrasound in all its glory.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Certain cities have various scenes that have been established over time. For bands that get involved, it’s all fine and dandy for them.

Look no further than Oasis and The Smiths from Manchester who set the bar for others to follow. But then again, not everyone wants to crank out indie music which continually sounds stale after every release. Still, a solid fan base will lap it up.

Other towns may not have such a strong musical heritage, but they put their stamp on where there from. Leicester, for example, may not be bursting with quality artists apart from breakaway act Kasabian – but do they really offer anything else apart from modernising Britpop ten years too late? Asides from producing tasty Walkers crisps, Leicester hasn’t been known for music. For some of you, this may change after listening to Silent Devices.

It almost sounds like an oxymoron. How can a band with the word ’silent’ in their name produce any noise? Is it just an elaborate and rubbish joke by us because we again forgot our submission deadline? Of course not. Of course not.

Silent Devices make music that has a soft and comforting feel to it. The slow-paced sounds don’t gradually build up and turn into something fast-paced and frenzied. Instead, the peppered addition of vocal over the hazy-sounding guitars make this perfect music for lounging around to. Put it this way, if Mogwai got a little bit happier and less cynical of the world, this is what they’d sound like. That’s unlikely to happen any time soon, so please invest in this lot instead.

For more:

Silent Devices MySpace

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Jesus, we know when we’re being outdone. Most of the time, it’s when an unborn Japanese child severely beats us on FIFA. And we don’t mean by using the hand of God in extra time.

And then there’s Morrissey. Somehow, Morrissey is classed as a genius despite still singing songs that an old band of his wrote years ago and releasing solo albums that are properly gash.

Recently, Morrissey has had a bit of problems on the gig scene. He passed out in Swindon and then got twatted in the face with a cup in Liverpool. Surely it’s full steam ahead from here, right? Wrong! Continuing his tour to Hamburg, Morrissey got narked off with a fan who dared boo his miserable rant on meat-eaters. And what happened? Find out after the jump!

See what Morrissey did there? What word does Hamburg sound like? Go on, have a quick think about it, we won’t rush you. Almost there? Excellent, by now even your child should have answered ‘hamburger’. If they said hammers, then they’re probably dyslexic.

Morrissey, of course, is a vegan type person who doesn’t like people chomping on cows or drinking their milk. We don’t know what the fuss is personally – have you ever tried to make your own chocolate milk? If it wasn’t for cows producing strawberry, vanilla or chocolate flavours, we’d never get through a working day. According to NME.com, the singer became annoyed after someone mocked his shit joke on hamburgers:

“Morrissey was speaking about how “Hamburgers” should be called “Hamburgists” when the audience member shouted “fuck you” at him.”

Oh Morrissey, you are one crazy carrot-crunching vegan loon. We understand your opinion on us evil meat-eaters, but so buggery. We’re as happy as a butcher’s dog who’s just found some mouldy sausages behind the freezer when we tuck into a lunchtime sandwich that’s oozing with something that’s come from an animal.

All we can suggest to the constantly peed-off singer is to assemble an audience made completely out of fruit and vegetables. There they’ll have a wonderful time and no-one will attempt to rebel. Though they’ll stop short of burning a piece of bacon at the steak in vegan anger. It could result in a mini BBQ and cause all sorts of unwanted trouble from savages.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

In every episode of EastEnders, you can be guaranteed of a few things. For a start, you’ll never sit through the full 30 minutes without hearing an ear-piercing screech or cackle.

Peggy’s bra will have pinged off and blinded a child like in her Carry On days and then she’ll slop a warm pint all over Pat, causing fisticuffs at the bar.

There’s also the iconic music that accompanies the programme. Without those drum beats at the beginning and end of the show, EastEnders wouldn’t have any charm left at all. Kind of like the service in Ian Beale’s café. But things are changing in Albert Square. Soon, a spin off show dubbed E20 will launch, and the team behind the show want you to create the theme tune by doing up the original song.

Of course, there is already a remix of the recognisably anthemic EastEnders theme-tune. Frizzy haired guitar chimp Brian May’s wife Anita Dobson created a version of the song by simply singing over the top of it. She released it and thousands of morons purchased it, thus making her famous. Sadly, you can’t rip off her efforts as the producers of the show want you to make a thirty second remix that captures the sound and feel of living in East London.

For the majority of the population living outside of London, this may be hard to imagine. However, from our knowledge of London, we believe samples of people complaining about late tubes, recordings of coughing from inhaling smog and the sound of pigeon shit hitting the floor will be quite apt. Or as the competition page puts it:

“E20 is to encourage and develop exciting new talent. All the writers and cast are newcomers – and we want to extend this approach to the music production. For that, we need your help. We’re therefore looking for a fresh take on the classic EastEnders theme tune – one that will become the fanfare for a show which celebrates London life, and what it’s like to be young in the capital. All in the space of 30 seconds!”

Awesome, we all we have to do is chop up the beats and splice up the main tune to win the prize? Doesn’t sound too difficult to us. We can already imagine the look of surprise on the judge’s face as present a glitched-up gabba version complete with touches of white noise. Or if we forget the closing date and need to knock something up quick, we’ll just reverse the tune, steal some vocals from YouTube and plonk it on top. Easier than cooking, that is.

Of course, out made up genre of Fizzcorkcore probably won’t win as the current climate of wonky-sounding baselines and big beats will probably clinch it for some nerdy bedroom DJ. But good luck to you all, after winning the competition you’ll then be asked what you’d do to make the show watchable.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

With 2009 kicking and screaming to a close, many magazines and other publications often spit out their best-of lists.

Usually it’s the opinion of one person sat in an office. Most of the time, people with any sense flick past them as they don’t need someone else telling them what is considered to be good.

Though we could use the arse end of 2009 to go over the artists we’ve looked at, we won’t. Instead, we’ll still try to at least bring you something creatively different and worth investing in. This week, we couldn’t pick a better artist for mixing things up than Bibio. Whilst we don’t know if it’s pronounced Bi-bio or Bib-io, the records released by him are bloody fantastic.

Signed up to Warp Records, Bibio has released three albums this year alone. Quite the busy individual, he’s pumped out more records than some people do in a decade. But is it just Bibio releasing a hoard of collected tracks for an easy payday, sacrificing quality over quantity? Thankfully not, everything he releases is top notch and our bank accounts are considerably emptier since discovering him.

Style wise, there is a lot going on. An interesting blend of field recordings mixed with droning electronics with a splashing of guitar and hints of folk make for an album full of tracks that makes you wonder where they’re going next. Just when the guitar comes in, everything gets swept in a lazy back beat that distorts and twists away.

Fire Ant - taken from his latest album Ambivalence Avenue – sums up what we’re wittering on about. The production is sublime as each of the songs elements come together and don’t get lost or frozen out as they battle to be heard.

For more:

Bibio MySpace page

Parents, we all have them. And we all have memories of them.

From the time you crapped yourself in a busy shopping centre to when your father started using swearwords in full conversation. Face it, we’ve all been there. Well that’s unless you’re a weird test-tube child and you were grown for scientific amusement.

Sadly, not all relationships between parents and their offspring can go smoothly. There can be a variety of reasons of this. In the case of Michael Jackson he objected to his dad Joe Jackson whipping the stuffing out of him. But time heals all and love conquers emotions. Or, if your son has raked in as much posthumous money as Michael Jackson, then time means that daddy gets an easy payday.

It’s been well documented that, as a child, Michael Jackson didn’t really have much time to ride his bike on the pavement, sell awful-tasting homemade lemonade or play baseball like everyone else. Instead, he was forced to attend various singing and dancing classes. For Joe Jackson, it paid off and all of his children went off to have successful careers. Apart from LaToya. And Janet lately. And the one with the hat.

After all the beatings, Michael decided to omit Joe Jackson from his will when he suddenly died this year. Why an apparent fit and healthy man makes a will is unclear to us, we plan to just let everyone fight over our possessions. While his father was left out, provisions were made for his mother and children. So couldn’t daddy Jackson just beat one of them until they gave him some money? No – he’ll just ignore the will put a claim in for some of Michael Jackson’s money instead. So what does he need the money for? according to BBC News:

“Joe Jackson’s outgoings were listed in the court papers and included rent for his Las Vegas home, meals out, air travel and hotel accommodation.”

Christ, he sounds like some sort of really groomed male escort doesn’t he? Just how much does all of this rack up to each month? Incredibly it’s in the region of $20,000. Does Joe Jackson only eat meat reared from penguins and take flights to random destinations on tiny islands that he claims are his own country? Probably, BBC News reports again that he currently only receives $1700 from the estate. He’d never last in Stoke.

Since Michael Jackson has earned close to $100 million since his death, he truly is getting the last laugh up in heaven. After all, nobody can force him to give money to people he doesn’t want to. And as far as we know, heaven has no legal system so he can get away with whatever he wants!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Everyone knows Morrissey. He’s that loveable vegan from Manchester who complains about everything and then goes in to a big vegetable huff when things go pear-shaped.

Only a couple of weeks ago, he collapsed at a gig in Swindon. Perhaps he saw what the people there looked like and wanted out. Pronto.

In the latest shenanigan involving the former Smiths front man, he got pelted with a plastic cup of water in Liverpool. Now he didn’t fall over, his feeble vegan body did manage to withstand the force of the close range throw. Still, he did get soaked worse than a potato patch and stormed off the stage. Interested in seeing the video? Of course you are. It’s right after the jump.

We’ve been to many gigs and a cup of water isn’t that big a deal. Prior to most gigs we drink many plastic pints of fizzy lager and often need a mid-gig wee. Going to the toilet is a bit of a pain so we just use the cup and lob it away. And we’ve been accused of not having green credentials. So it could have been worse, a lot worse.

You do have to remember where he was performing, though. The clip appears to show Morrissey interacting with the Liverpudlian crowd. That was already a stupid thing to do, as any jewellery he was wearing could have gone walkabouts, or his wallet pinched.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Yee-haw kids, its reality pop star season, so what does that mean?

It means that anyone who’s got an ounce of talent in their blood is going to get ignored. Money-making mass-produced rubbish will take over and make us all believe it’s the best thing since the last reality show winner from the previous month.

So can we suggest someone to you? Take a listen to Chicago’s One Little Plane. With an album out last year, she has been pretty much unnoticed by everyone, but has enough support to carry her through. Produced by folktronica man Four Tet, these beautifully crafted songs give the impression they were lovingly knitted in the front room of someone’s house where all the love and attention in the world was dedicated to them. It’s acoustic bliss. And you should invest.

For more:

One Little Plane MySpace

Do you live in Kent? We don’t. Why? Well let’s put it this way, it doesn’t quite have the glamour of New York or the history of Rome.

All is boasts is a Primark and KFC – just like everywhere else. If only Kent could offer us something amazing. Something that we could only see in Kent. Something that people would travel for miles around to witness. Something wish-fulfilling.

What’s that? Some people in Edenbridge are burning a giant effigy of Jordan this weekend? Bingo.

During the Edenbridge celebration of Guy Fawkes night, where everyone is allowed to blow stuff up legally for one night, there is going to be a public burning of Jordan! Hooray for that indeed. The publicity-munching big-boobed lady has been chosen by Edenbridge Bonfire Society as their topical, publicly-vilified celebrity figure. Sky News reports:

Glamour model Katie Price is to be burned at the stake at a bonfire celebration this weekend – as a 27ft effigy. Dressed in a pink, low-cut top, the effigy also features her wearing white jodhpurs and riding boots, acknowledging her passion for horses.  More than 10,000 people will see the celebrity guy go up in flames in Edenbridge, Kent, on Saturday.

Jordan’s not alone. Last year Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand were picked after making rude phone calls to a granddad and talking about shagging.

For some random entertainment, get yourself to Edenbridge in Kent on Saturday. Please note we won’t provide travel, accommodation or injections.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.

Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.

There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there’s always Plan B – giving The Spice Girls some work again.

Last year, the majority of people were suitably impressed when Beijing opened the Olympics. They had fireworks, people doing all sorts of dances and had funky signs with writing that looked the same as to the ones you see on takeaway menus. According to trusty Wikipedia, the host nation is meant to present artistic displays of music, singing, dance, and theatre representative of its culture. Or, strictly speaking, you’re meant to outdo the previous city and make them look crap.

So when we think of London, what comes to mind? Jellied eels, EastEnders, rats, the London Underground and the fact that a can of Coke costing 40p in Blackburn would be 90p in our dear capital. But where does that leave us? No-one is suggesting that we round a group of people, dress them as tube stations and do some wacky dance. That would be silly. And like the London Underground, it’d end up being too hot, delayed and then aborted completely when a breakaway faction of the Jubilee line inevitably decides to go on strike midway through.

But what about the legacy of British music? After all there have been some legendary bands that this country has produced. Sadly though a lot of them can’t make the ceremony for various reasons. The Beatles have half of their members missing, Queen are rubbish without Freddie Mercury, any plans for Oasis were scuppered when the Gallagher brothers both fell into a terminal sulk, Blur are too busy making cheese and Radiohead might just depress everyone into going home.

Hold on a second though! What’s that in the distance? We can just about hear the squeals of five ageing women telling us what they really really want. It’s not a Botox injection or a chance to write a crap book, they want to open the Olympics. That’s right kids; media man Simon Fuller claims that The Spice Girls are one of the best loved in history, and he wants them at the Olympics. Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, he said:

“Demand for the Spice Girls remained high. They stand for so much in British music history and I can’t think of a better time for them to get back together for another performance.”

Do we really want to see 40-year-old women warbling away to their old songs again? If so, then probably is what the UK is culturally all about. Seeing women out on the town who still think they’re young and relevant.

Go London 2012!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Well Mr Mike D Chill, the joke is on you. We don’t have female genitalia. The only penetrable organ we have is our bumhole. And even then you’ll have to navigate the overgrown layers of matted hair that are in the way. Damn.

For more:

Mike D Chill MySpace

October’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.

But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.

Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various parties and clubs. But of course, some people in society are all bah humbug about Halloween. This time it’s the turn of the Christians to get their Bible in a twist and proclaim that it’s evil. Just like this man, see his rant after the jump.

Referencing a book that is thousands of years old and hasn’t really been modernised since, this man is a bit angry about Halloween. He’s basically against everyone having a good time and celebrating the living dead. Because we like to heal rifts between people, we can offer some suggestions as to how Christians and Halloween lovers can get along this weekend:

1 – Wear a cross. When Jesus died, he was nailed in to a cross. So why not spread the word and love about Christianity by wearing your own gigantic death cross? Obviously we don’t want you hammering nails into your own hands, but a bit of fake blood here will totally give off the effect.

2 – Dress as a zombie Jesus. This bloke seems to think we’re not religious. How wrong he is. At Christmas, we celebrate Santa and at Easter everyone gets chocolate eggs from a cute bunny! Easter also has something to do with Jesus coming back from the dead, which therefore makes him a zombie. Surely if we dress as a zombie Jesus, all Christians will love us.

3 – Get drunk off wine. Jesus turned water into wine and, at parties, lots of grown-ups get wrecked off wine. Therefore the blood of Jesus is kept alive in us and in the morning, the spirit of Christ will be released via vomiting and trips to the toilet.

We’re unsure if our tips will make this man all happy and joyous, but you know, we’ve done our best. However for any trick or treaters visiting his house that night, we think you should probably steer clear. Instead of getting handfuls of sweets, you’ll just get a junior version of the Bible and one hundred reasons on how to escape from Hell.

Next, we’ll attempt to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine. We’re on a roll today.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Back in his heyday during the 1970’s, Gary Glitter pumped out shedloads of crap records.

But then again, it was the seventies and at the time no-one really knew what was acceptable and what was absolute toss, so we can forgive him.

However, what the majority of the world can’t forgive Gary Glitter for is his antics in Vietnam where he was convicted of doing horrible things to children and spent some time in prison. And now Channel 4 is going to hang him for being a paedophile. Fictitiously. Still, it’ll make better viewing than Big Brother.

Believe it or not, this is part of a new season of programmes that Channel 4 is due to broadcast. Looking at capital punishment, it’ll examine various situations and ask whether or not it would be practical to bring back hangings and other forms of executions. If so, our place as village idiot has probably been benchmarked.

So what will the programme involve? Sadly, it isn’t won’t be 60 minutes of footage where people call Gary Glitter all the names under the sun and then burn his crappy records. Instead, it’s going to be done in a documentary style, subsequently making stupid people believe it really happened enough to edit his Wikipedia page accordingly.

In a faux-courtroom drama, we’ll get to see all sorts of ropey-looking footage chopped up whilst Gary Glitter pleads for innocence and offers a performance for everyone in the country as a way of forgiveness. So why cover something like this when it’ll no doubt upset everyone? Speaking to the Metro newspaper, head of documentaries and More 4 Hamish Mykura said:

“High-profile crimes against children often prompts calls for the return of the death penalty – this drama confronts the public with what many say they want. Putting a resonant figure like Gary Glitter into a fictional situation helps to engage the viewer as the drama unfolds.”

Interestingly, a Channel 4-commissioned poll showed that 70 per cent of the public think the death penalty should be reintroduced. So no doubt when the documentary is screened, people will be watching their TV with a cup of tea in one hand, and a pick axe in the other. Joyous times.

And after the human edition, we can swiftly move on to the animal version where we get to beat the shit out of seals.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

What do Michael Jackson and STDs have in common? They are both annoying and won’t go away. No matter how much you itch, apply cream and shower. Oh, that might just be our crabs.

Genuinely, we thought Michael Jackson’s This Is It film would be the last from him. We’d get to laugh at the fake footage of him jumping from bridges, swinging from buildings and making fans believe he wasn’t drugged up and close to being in a coma. Now we’ve heard word that Michael Jackson is making a technical comeback with this year’s X Factor monkeys. All for charity of course. Like that helps.

There are a few details to get out the way. Firstly, the song that has been chosen is Michael Jackson’s You Are Not Alone. Ideally, all of the acts are meant to take it in turn to carefully reinterpret the timeless classic. Otherwise Joe Jackson will be on hand with his motivational tool, called the ‘encouragement belt’. However, we know that John and Edward will totally make it their own and out-do every other act there.

Is the choice of song down to the simple fact that X Factor bosses want to pay tribute to Michael Jackson? After all, before he died it was rumoured that the legend was due to moonwalk his way around the stage and tell all the contestants they were beautiful and special inside. Or, as we think, is someone just having a big massive laugh at his expense? Let’s look at the evidence.

The money raised by the X Factor single is going to Great Ormond Street. Don’t get us wrong, we’re all for charity as hospitals help people get better so they can do productive stuff with their lives. However, for anyone who doesn’t know, Great Ormond Street is a charity for sick children. Anyone spot the slight irony?

Whether Michael Jackson was guilty or not, it seems unfair that an American singer who was accused of child molestation should be allowed to have the charity honours with the English X Factor finalists. After all, the UK has got plenty of its own. Why couldn’t they have done a version of Gary Glitter’s I Love You Love Me produced by Jonathan King instead, huh? Don’t be afraid of your Britishness, X Factor! Heatworld reports:

“The 12 finalists have covered the Michael Jackson classic You Are Not Alone, and they’ll be performing the song during the results show on Sunday 15 November, when the track will also be available for download.”

There we are then. A guaranteed charity X Factor number one to quite likely stay at the top spot until John and Edward get the Christmas number one with their winning X Factor performance.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Everyone likes Will Smith. Christ, we can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love this not so fresh-faced rascal.

Since growing up, Will Smith has taken on a variety of film roles. In Men In Black he saved the world from aliens. Likewise, Independence Day saw him repeat the same heroic feat. Come to think of it, didn’t the same thing kind of happen in I Am Legend?

Taking a step back from this extra terrestrial creature stuff, Will wants to make an appearance on Eastenders. Quite likely to save Albert Square from Pat Butcher.

Seeing Will Smith materialise on EastEnders would be like seeing Lily Savage make an appearance on Lost. On paper it just simply wouldn’t work. However, after much tinkering around with the script, even the most traditional of scenes could be twisted to make us, the slobby viewer, believe it’s totally normal. Stranger stuff has happened however. Loose Women has amazingly survived ten years on our screens despite being utterly shit.

If the scriptwriters of EastEnders happen to be reading this, then we’d like to take you through some of the ideas that we’ve bashed out. Using our brief knowledge of the BBC flagship soap, we think that a popular Hollywood actor could boost ratings. Only by a bit, mind.

1 – Will Smith takes over The Queen Vic. Instead of it being the grotty pub we know and love, that crazy American takes full ownership and converts it in to a bar. Say bye-bye to draft beers and pork scratchings. Instead, everything comes with packs of pretzels and beef jerky to wash your bottle of Bud Light down with. Don’t think of causing any fights in Will’s new bar. Trouble won’t be sorted out with the usual high-pitched shrieks. Instead, he’ll use the gun behind the bar.

2 – The park in EastEnders is pretty gash at the minute. There’s a bench in remembrance of Arthur Fowler and that’s about it. Apart from a walkway, some grass and a scattering of dog poo. Using his masters degree of gardening from Stanford University, Will aims to lead a community project in to making a ghetto out of the ghetto. Rival gangs can have their own patch of turf to use residents as a target range.

3 – Charlie Slater has a black cab which he never seems to use any more. Hooking up with his hip-hop homeboy Tim Westwood, Will takes away the keys and pimps up the vehicle. A fat sound system here and some 50-inch tyres will make any motorists want to bow down and kiss the exhaust pipe. And make Albert Square a hotspot for boy racers.

So what draws Will Smith to EastEnders? Digitalspy reports:

“It was so real and gritty. American soaps are all about the beautiful people and being cheesy. This soap had everything. There was fighting, people sleeping around – it had it all going on! I’m a bit busy but when things quieten down I’d love to do a cameo. I could make a big entrance in the pub, as you guys call it, and be like, ‘Hey, girl let’s take this outside’.”

Calling Phil Mitchell a girl? Possibly not the wisest of choices there Will. Before you could harp on about America, the goons will have moved in and you’ll be forced to eat the crap that Ian Beale makes from the café.

And that thing you call an acting career would probably die. We’re just saying.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter