I wonder if a fighter pilot would feel the same way about me playing Star Fox as I feel about you playing Guitar Hero. Yes, I do mean YOU.

You kids with your iBoxes and your X-Phones, lurching about with your  Wii steering wheels, Wii fridges, and Wii windows that display a cartoon image of the Wii street you Wii live on… I’ve seen you standing there with your fake plastic guitar, measuring the accuracy of your pretend rock music. And, though it pains me to say it, I’m beginning to hate you.

I don’t want to hate you, but that’s the way we’re headed, so I think it’s important for you to know that what you’re doing is wrong.

For the same price as a Wii with Guitar Hero (£270), you could get an Epiphone Les Paul 3-pick up Black Beauty. It takes 20 minutes to learn three chords, and another 20 minutes to write a song. By the time you’ve completed Guitar Hero on the hardest setting, you could be signed and on tour with The Shit Dragons, or whatever it is you call your actual band (you guys are AWESOME by the way – looking forward to your difficult second album).

Here’s why I hate Guitar Hero: Guitar Hero simulates something you can do in real life for the exact same amount of effort as just doing the thing in real life. It’s like high energy mime. It’s worse than mime, it’s mime squared. While most decent games do a good job of passing the time, Guitar Hero turns around and spits in the time’s face as it jogs by. And yet, for some reason, you like it.

To demonstrate this theory (and it is only a theory), here are the games I have enjoyed in the past, and proof that all of them would take more effort for less reward if you attempted to do them in real life…

Street Fighter II (SNES)

Ha-Do-Ken!

I do not lie on my CV, so if my CV says that I completed Street Fighter II on the hardest setting with every character except Zangief (and it does), then I did. To this day, I remain unstoppable as Blanka or Ken on the original SNES version, yet there is no cause that I feel passionate enough about in my own real world to warrant getting in a ring with Ryu and risking a blue fireball in the face.

Grand Theft Auto (Playstations 1, 2 and P)

OK, driving fast around town is fun and so perhaps is extorting money from legitimate businesses, but the best parts of the Grand Theft Auto series would not bode well in the real world, i.e. cruising around the city, looking for hilarious places to leap out of burning cars, roll across the road, and clunk an unsuspecting police officer on the head with a bat. In a real city, you’d be facing serious burns (the fiery kind and the frictiony kind), and probably a criminal record. Nobody wants that.

Goldeneye (N64)

Is he armed? Who knows?! Best to shoot him just in case. Or not. Argh!

Sneaking around, killing spies, hoping there’s a bullet proof vest lying around behind the next barrel of petrol… This sounds like a really stressful job, even with the cheats on. Thankfully it goes away when you turn the N64 off and you don’t have a license to kill anyone.

Mario Kart (SNES, N64)

What is his problem?

Racing Go-Karts against a dragon, a monkey, a princess, two plumbers, a weird armadillo man, Mussolini’s gay cousin, and a man with a mushroom for a head (all of whom can launch dead turtles at you to make you crash, whereupon you are rescued you from tumbling into infinity by a little orange potato man who sits on a cloud with a fishing rod) is more a waking nightmare than a fun day out. Best avoided.

Speedball 2 (Atari ST)

The graphics were amazing, though

This was the arguably the best sports game ever not to be based on a real sport. It took the form of a ball game where your team aimed to land a steel ball in the other team’s goal more times than they landed it in yours. A bit like football then, except that your opponent can score 10 points for injuring you in face, only to injure you again when you are substituted back into the game after all of your other team mates are knocked unconscious. You really don’t want that.

The Sims (PC)

Drown me

On the surface, The Sims is designed to simulate exactly the things most of us do in real life: washing our hands, eating meals, reading books, going to work, weeing, adopting babies, going to bed… It all seems fairly banal and real-life-friendly, but it’s not. First of all, it’s time-condensed, so you don’t actually have to stand there scrubbing your bits as your Sim takes a shower; second of all, The Sims live at the mercy of a cruel and whimsical god who is capable of drowning them by selling the steps to the pool.

Silent Hill (Playstation 2)

Not in my abandoned hospital, thank you very much

The opening sequence involves running through fog for ten minutes, followed by a swift change of reality that turns the world into a hellish landscape of twisted steel and rotting meat. A world where wild dogs and giant chicken people emerge from the shadows out to bite you in the night when all you have to fend them off is a bit of old pipe. I shouldn’t need to explain.

Zelda: The Ocarina of Time (N64)

Zelda, in real life

OK, I admit it. There is a part of me that wants to be a young hero with a sword and a horse who can save the world over and over again. But it’s magic and pretend, so I can’t.

Snake (old Nokia phone)

That snake wriggles around in solitary confinement, eating blocks that look like his own rear end and face as he tries to avoid bumping into himself. That’s just time consuming and embarrassing.

Tetris (Gameboy)

I don’t want to be the man responsible for manipulating geometrical bricks into tidy positions, only to have them disappear from existence every time I complete a row. Neither would my job would not be helped as the effects of gravity increase exponentially towards the end of the day. Rubbish.

Pro-Evolution Soccer (Playstations 1 through 2)

Wind, rain, mud, running about and getting kicked in the toes – these are all things I could do without. Aside from that, I think I might quite enjoy playing football. If the game forced me to do all of those things, I’d probably either play real football or not bother. This is why I don’t get Guitar Hero – it makes you do all the things you’d need to do to play a guitar, but you don’t learn to play… everyone’s laughing at you.

The only other game I can think of that compares to Guitar Hero is Solitaire on the PC, a card game for people who should be doing something else. Solitaire forces you to play Solitaire in the same way you would in real life – in fact, it’s better than Guitar Hero because it doesn’t prevent you from getting better at playing Solitaire, which isn’t possible anyway; it just robs you of your time and leaves you feeling slightly embarrassed if anyone ever catches you.

It’s time for Guitar Hero to carry the same weight of shame that Solitaire does, so please… either get yourself a real guitar, or minimise that shit when you see me coming. I’m watching you.

This was a guest post by Jimi Odell from Blogtired. He’s not joking, you know.

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Admittedly, the aeronaut who’s making the flight (Yves Rossy) is a Jetwing veteran and has a team of choppers, planes, search and rescue specialists and doubtless hordes of media pundits to catch him if he falls (the flight is the brainchild of Webtel.mobi, who are sponsoring the event), but a walk in the park it ain’t.

It promises to be a spectacular, if a little insane, challenge – and one for the history books regardless of how it ends. But how does flying between continents strapped to a sheet of carbon fibre stack up in terms of stupidity against the history of human flight? Luckily for you, we have some prime examples all lined up…

11 – The cross-channel jet-wing flight

The precursor to this month’s Webtel.mobi Intercontinental Challenge. To warm up for flying between Morocco and Spain, the jet-wing was used to cross the English Channel. This was dangerous for two main reasons – 1) it was the first time that anything like this had ever been attempted, and 2) Rossy planned to land in Dover, where there was every likelihood he’d end up getting bludgeoned to death by the locals because they’d mistaken him for a witch. This time around you can follow the progress of the challenge on Twitter at @the_challenge09.

10 – The Olympic rocketman

Back in 1984, it looked as though jetpacks were going to revolutionise the way in which human beings moved around. It’s now 25 years later, and what have we got? The Nissan Micra. Screw you, technology.

9 – Joe Kittenger

The definition of the word lunacy. Joe Kittenger is best known as the man who, in the name of science, once flew a hot air balloon 102,800 ft into the sky and then jumped out. On the way down, in -70C temperatures, Kittenger hit a speed of 614mph. And to think, we feel a bit queasy climbing up a ladder. In recent years, Boards Of Canada used footage of the freefall for their video to Dayvan Cowboy. Beautiful. But incredibly stupid.

8 – The annual Bognor Regis birdman competition

Maybe not as cool as Joe Kittenger, but just as stupid and more ridiculous-looking. Natural selection was invented to weed people like this out.

7 – Yogic Flying

Yes, that’s right, world peace will be achieved by sitting on a crashpad with your legs crossed and then sort of flapping around aimlessly for a bit. So thanks for that.

6 – Johnny Knoxville’s big red rocket

You may remember that Johnny Knoxville tried to ride a big red rocket over a lake in Jackass 2. You may remember that the rocket exploded with such force that Johnny Knoxville is lucky to be alive. You may remember that even this stunt wasn’t quite as stupid as when Chris Pontius drank the horse sperm.

5 – St Joseph Of Cupertino

From Wikipedia:

On October 4, 1630, the town of Cupertino held a procession on the feast day of Saint Francis of Assisi. Joseph was assisting in the procession when he suddenly soared into the sky, where he remained hovering over the crowd. When he descended and realised what had happened, he became so embarrassed that he fled to his mother’s house and hid. This was the first of many flights, which soon earned him the nickname “The Flying Saint.” On hearing the names of Jesus or Mary or the singing of hymns, he would go into dazed state and soar into the air. Joseph gave off a sweet smell because he was pure.

True story.

4 – Visa Parviainen

An important stepping stone between Joe Kittenger and this month’s intercontinental challenge. In 2005, Parviainen jumped out of a hot air balloon over Finland and then shot off with rockets in his boots. Humanity is great because of people like Visa Parviainen. Either great or stupid. We haven’t quite decided yet.

3 – Ermes Zamperla

“But what about the role that the human cannonball has played in the history of human flight?” You’re asking. What about it, reader? What about it indeed.

2 – Bear Grylls flying over Everest

To be fair, it only looks like Bear Grylls had journeyed over Mount Everest in a paramotor. But, you know Bear Grylls is famous for faking stuff, so we’re yet to be convinced that he didn’t just trampoline over a teacup or whatever.

1 – Icarus

The man who started it all. But only briefly. Seriously, what sort of divvy builds wings out of wax? Moron.

If you’re going insert a foreign body into yourself, surely you wouldn’t want to use something that can only be associated with visceral terror, right?

Wrong, apparently.

As a response to my heartfelt criticism of Twilight, someone sent me this link to what appears to be a dildo based on what Edward’s junk might look like. It’s after the jump, so proceed with caution…

The site describes it as ”….a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow.”

Like the abstinent sparkle prince, himself, the dildo is shimmery and can also be kept in the fridge for a more authentic experience. They’ve literally thought of everything, I guess. How lovely. I for one, can definitely envisage a scenario in which a mentally balanced person, who does not live alone with five cats, does not write Harry Potter Slash fiction and does not have an OKCupid page in which she lists her religion as ‘Wiccan’ purchasing this item. Certainly.

But it’s not just Twilight, though. Another friend sent me a link to a site called Bad Dragon which he described as ‘nightmarish’. He was not far wrong.

Have you ever wanted to pretend you were having sex with an anthropomorphic dragon? No? Congratulations on not being completely and utterly batshit insane. I literally buried my face in my hands when I saw the website. We should all repent while there’s still time. Surely a cleansing hellfire can’t be far off if these monstrosities are in production. Dragon dildos are a sign of the end times.

Their forums are full of happy reviewers who just can’t get enough of these perfectly nauseating cries for help. A quote from user ‘Rayneuki’ that I feel probably sums up the average customer ‘‘….And my cat had jumped onto the bed to sniff the strange penis that was now placed on my heaving chest.” Fantastic.

Or what better way to honour the president of the United States Of America than by masturbating with a plastic sex toy moulded in the shape of his face? ”For those too lazy to defecate on a picture of his family”.

Then there’s the ‘alien dildo‘. The about section does not answer the question I asked and that question is simply ‘why?’. Serious question. If you are the creator of alien dildos, I would love for you to answer this question so I can go on living my life.

I just added this Mantrix dildo because its the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. The male model was obviously wearing glasses so the photographer wouldn’t see how hard he was crying. Jesus Christ. I wonder if anyone ever thinks their movie related dildo is really dated.

Thanks for reading my guest blog about dildos. I feel like I probably should have mentioned it was NSFW.

This filth was down to Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. Blame her.

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Cameos in movies are always a bit of a double-edged sword.

On one hand they can provide audiences with a reaction of genuine delight when they find a big-name star who was not listed in the opening credits has suddenly turned up on screen to enliven and enrich the film in progress.

The more negative reaction however can see fans of a particular actor howling in anger as some wannabe gate-crashes some other big-name star’s party – usually with a scene of such gravitas that it completely overshadows the main star’s performance.

After all don’t actors get enough work of their own without having to swan around in movies which were meant for the people who’s names are up outside the multiplex?

Even worse are the fame-hungry fly-by-nights who, not content with already being famous in fields such as sport or politics, have to go and show up in the world of showbusiness too.

Like them or hate them it seems cameos will always be a part of the great world of cinema and just for your viewing pleasure we have listed the best 20 we could think of.

Any we’ve forgotten…well they’re probably off appearing in some other list somewhere.

20 – Jarvis Cocker – Harry Potter and Goblet of Fire

After his unwelcome, but undoubtedly amusing, cameo in Michael Jackson’s Earth Song performance the former Pulp frontman decided to stick with what he knows best.

19 – William Hootkins – Star Wars

He was master of the cameo in his day and thanks to the net his untimely death in this scene is being blamed on a Mexican food-fuelled fart.

18 – Bruce Willis – Loaded Weapon

John McClane would have kicked their asses – sadly this was not his movie.

17 – Bruce Springsteen – High Fidelity

We’ve tried hard to make Britney Spears materialise in our bedrooms but apparently it only works for lucky gits like John Cusack.

16 – Martin Sheen – Hot Shots Part 2

I loved you in Wall Street – brilliant.

15 – Keith Richards – At World’s End

Clearly influenced by the fans and the media this cameo showed some people really will do anything for money.

14 – Lance Armstrong – Dodgeball

If ever you feel like quitting – just imagine a pep-talk from a man who doesn’t know the meaning of the word.

13 – Mike Tyson – The Hangover

Even once hated and universally shunned boxers seem able to make us say ‘all is forgiven’ by doing stuff like this.

12 – Sean Connery in Robin Hood

Historians agree Richard the Lionheart was born in England and raised French – so why does he sound here like he hails from Kilmarnock?

11 – Matt Damon – Eurotrip

If you go to school with the right mega-stars they too may one day agree to cameo in one of your films.

10 – Chris Rock – You Don’t Mess With The Zohan

Man loses entire family – consoles himself with Chinese food.

9 – Samuel L Jackson – Iron Man

A special kind of cool cameo – one which hints at the next blockbusting film to come.

8 – David Hasslehoff – Spongebob the Movie

Also appeared in Dodgeball – but this saw him back in Baywatch mode. Couldn’t he have bought Pammy and the girls with him, though?

7 – Stan Lee – Marvel series

OK to play old man on street or postman to the Fantastic Four – but who told him he could pull off Hugh Hefner?

6 – Animator – Aladdin

Not strictly a cameo but rumour has it this was a piece of sabotage created by a pissed-off animator who told Aladdin to take Princess Jasmine’s clothes off. Fair play to him.

5 – Richard Burton – Zulu

Could have got any jobbing actor to read out the opening and closing narration but thankfully decided to go with a legend who’s voice sends shivers up your spine.

4 – Alfred Hitchcock – Everything!

The cameo master – no contest.

3 – Tom Cruise – Tropic Thunder

You got us back on side with this one Tom – but not for long.

2 – Chuck Norris – Dodgeball

If Chuck Norris says you play Dodgeball. YOU. PLAY. DODGEBALL!

1 – Alec Baldwin – Glengarry Glenn Ross

Better in these seven or so minutes than he was in any of the films in which he was the star. There you have the true definition of a cameo.

[story by Chris Longhurst]

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You know, here at Hecklerspray, we deplore violence.

And if he wants to beat some poor old lady to death in the street, so be it. It’s only pixels after all. Nobody gets hurt.
And let’s face it, as anyone who has ever used the subway or the tube will testify, we all get these urges to maim and brutally attack annoying people. So what better way to get it out of your system?

Thankfully, videogame manufacturers have recognise that need and have come up with increasing inventive ways of satisfying our primal urge to kill, maim and disfigure virtual opponents. Here we count down the 15 most badass instruments of death ever committed to pixels.

15. Various – Thompson machine gun

The “Tommy” gun has been a mainstay in the computer game scene for years, with its most notable appearance coming in the renowned Medal of Honor series. Others include  Call of Duty and almost every other WW2 game out there. Not incredibly accurate, this sub-machine gun is handy in most situations providing a good dose of point and spray anarchy.

14. Mario Kart series – Red Turtleshell

The Mario Kart series is a highly enjoyable racing game known the world over for its recognisable characters and fun gameplay. Although never has such a fun game brought dread and fear to a player. Seeing this red turtleshell in your opponent’s screen can bring on a fit of pleading for mercy. It’s both annoying to its victim and handy to its wielder when it automatically targets its opponents with near 100% accuracy.

13. Max Payne 2 – Striker Shotgun

A personal favourite, the Striker is a shotgun-cum-cannon which provides suitable brute force at close range, devastating all that may cross your path, A true powerhouse in all sense of the term.

12. Halo – Sniper Rifle

The Halo phenomenon has exploded in recent years, giving gamers the world over a fresh, new look at combat. Providing both human and alien weapons alike, it’s hard to choose the most bad ass gun. Notable mentions include the Light Sword, Plasma rifle, Battle rifle, Needler and pistol. But for most enjoyment, the SRS99C-S2 AM Sniper Rifle takes the crown.

11. Duke Nukem – Shrink Ray

Duke Nukem has been around for years and is known not only for his kickass guns but also his classic one-liners. Boasting an array of fun weapons to dispose of your alien prey, a considerably awesome weapon has to be the Shrink Ray. It does exactly what it says on the tin, shrinking your enemy down to a few inches, giving Duke the chance to put his foot down and let out a satisfying crunch of bones under his feet.

10. Counterstrike – AWP Sniper Rifle

This gun is to sniper rifles what the 44 Magnum is to handguns. Providing a reassuringly loud BANG when fired, the AWP is a must-buy when playing the Counterstrike series. With it holding a potential one hit kill capacity, it is both loved and hated within the online community for its deadly accuracy and stopping power.

9. Perfect Dark – Laptop Gun

Perfect Dark brought back the concept of a strong female protagonist, with Joanna Dark following in the footsteps of Samus Aran of Metroid fame. It hosted a fantastic multiplayer facility and had far too many guns to count. One of the most deadly has to be the Laptop Gun, unfolding out into a nifty submachine gun with a high rate of fire and large mag, although its trump card is definitely the Sentry Gun mode. Just chuck it onto a wall or ceiling and it will deploy as a drone killing everything that moves.

8. F.E.A.R – Type 7 Penetrator

F.E.A.R brought a new angle of gaming onto the scene, with its dark atmosphere and shit-your-pants scares. Featuring many kick-ass guns, the Penetrator or Nail gun – as it’s also known – stands out. It literally allows you to nail your enemy to a wall or drill him full of spikes.

7. Quake – Rail Gun

A rifle that was both powerful but slow to use. Like the AWP its incredible effective at one hit kills, being deadly at any range and letting out a swirling stream of plasma in its wake.

6. Turok – Cerebral Bore

One of the most innovative weapons ever put to pixel, the Cerebral Bore is a classic case of imagination gone wild. An unstoppable weapon when fired, it seeks out its target skull, bores in and turns brains into jelly finally finishing off with an explosive finale.

5. Unreal Tournament – Flak Cannon

The Unreal Tournament series is a classic first person shooter, hosting a considerable arsenal of death-dealing weapons. It’s hard to choose the most badass weapon from the series with the choice of Plasma Rifle, Link gun, Rocket Launcher or Flak Cannon. But first pick must go to the Flak Cannon with its awesome close range ability in both primary and secondary fire mode. Firing projectiles that can bounce round corners the Flak Cannon is a valuable weapon in any player’s hands, both old and n00b.

4. Goldeneye - RCP90

Goldeneye will go down in legend as being one of the best FPS games ever. And the RCP90 was every player’s dream gun. Another point and spray favourite, it hosts a hefty magazine, awesome stopping power and high damage rate, this gun is hard to beat

3. Doom – BFG 9000

Let’s not beat about the bush with this one shall we. The BFG 9000 – or Big Fucking Gun as it’s called in most circles – deals out devastation to the factor of 11. Providing a flash of green light and a blast wave of immense proportions, the BFG is capable of destroying anything in its path, or come to think its blast radius.

2. Gears Of War – Lancer

A relative newcomer to the shooter scene, the Lancer from the acclaimed Gears of War game is notable for it dual killing capacity. A stock weapon in both single and online play, it is an effective
rifle at most ranges. But the most badass element is the chainsaw bayonet at your disposal. Close range melee attacks provide maximum enjoyment, especially seeing showers of blood spraying out from the dismembered corpse at your feet

1. Half Life 2 – Gravity Gun

The Half Life series especially has many memorable weapons to choose from, but none one more so than the gravity gun, giving the protagonist the option of picking up, smashing or throwing seemingly unmoveable objects for their gain. Hurling a saw blade at a zombies head, or chucking cars and gas tanks at Ant lions can be strangely satisfying. A notable kill is launching a radiator at an enemy’s skull with a sufficient and enjoyable thud.

[story by Michael Chenucha]

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Like rock, of a vintage kind, with balls out and great beer guts sticking out from faded tees, gathering up the crumbs dropped from big ol’ beards?

Then you need a word with Cincinnati’s Buffalo Killers, who have peddling vintage groove laden rockin’ fuzz psych spectacular under the radar for some years. They’ve been gaining admiring glances from support slots with The Black Crowes, who clearly seethe with jealousy at a band able to rock harder, louder and with more funk than anyone else in the battlefield.

This is real shit-kicker rock to knock your spots clean off.

Channelling the ghost of Crazy Horse, mixed with the glassy eyed daydreams of vintage Cream, these men – and they’re real men who just dropped in to see what condition their condition was in – have produced two insanely good LPs, with the high watermark being their latest, Let It Ride, which is so good that it could easily convince you to put your guitar down and never play the thing ever again.

If you like the sleaze blues of The Black Keys, then you really oughta sign up to the Buffalo Killin’ experience who have better slow-jams, sing with weary scotch clogged drawls chic and generally, recall all the best vintage rock albums you ever heard without ever once sounding tired or hackneyed. Rolling Stone magazine was built on groups like this and if you miss out ‘em, you’re missing out on one of the finest bands on the planet right now.

Buffalo Killers MySpace

This was a guest blog by jolly Mof Gimmers from Electric Roulette, which is better than it really has any right to be.

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September is the month when hopeful nobodies dream of being the next Matthew Fox or Eva Longoria.  This season there are some new faces staring down the precipice preparing for instant fame or instant coffee.  Could the six Friends have known their fate when the pilot aired?  One of them did – but that was later with the spin off.  

There are some key things to look out for that might help the success of a new show: A familiar face – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey.  A familiar crew – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey.  An established audience – Worked with: Frasier. Not so much: Joey. You can see where we’re going here. Clearly, there is no science to what is popular and what is not.  

However, Twentieth Century Fox’s new musical Glee has been picked up for a full season after only two episodes.

“Musical”, I hear you groan! If it’s a comfort to you I am not a musical fan and even heavily dislike the film Grease.  I would go so far as to say that I prefer the sequel – inventively titled Grease 2.

For most people, watching musicals is probably about as entertaining as listening to someone learning Letzebuergesch at the bottom of a well. So imagine my relief to find that this new series is for adults and appears to be actually funny, entertaining and a little bit dark.  It may even contain scenes of a leathery nature for you Grease/Formula One fans.

The series follows a teacher (Matthew Morrison) who, with the help of some geeks and freaks, tries to save a High School Glee Club (basically a musical group) from going under. Unfortunately an evil cheerleading coach (Jane Lynch) is out to sabotage their musical endeavours.

And while that might sound awful, the show is from the creator of Nip/Tuck, so no doubt it will pack some punches, or at least a sexy rubber doll. Fox also has a pretty good reputation and is responsible for shows such as 24, House and the ever-popular I started this but don’t know how to end it series, Lost.

Let’s face it – only Family Guy the Musical would get the ratings Fox are gunning for. But hopefully this is something to distract the world from High School Musical (which none of us have secretly seen). 

To inspire us and to show good musicals exists I shall now quote Grease 2. Ahem… 

“We’re going to die and I’m wearing my mother’s underwear!”

Yeah, actually, I really wouldn’t recommend the sequel.

Remember the kids’ TV show

Well, Enemy of Chaos is like Knightmare. Except it isn’t a TV show. It’s a choose-your-own adventure book and iPhone game. And it’s very, very funny. Yes, and an iPhone game. Having done almost no research into this, we can definitively confirm that this is the only book that’s been published with an accompanying iPhone application. Behold, friends, for tis the future!

Enemy of Chaos author, Leila Johnston, also wrote How to Worry Friends and Inconvenience People, which included jokes such as “say “sweet enough already” when someone offers sugar, and “white enough already” when they offer milk” and “make calls with a weary note in your voice, saying “Hello telephone, who are you pretending to be this time?”

See, funny, yeah?

You play the Enemy of Chaos, an ageing embittered geek plucked from a sedentary life of RSI, mild OCD and Doritos to “defeat disorder wherever it is found”, and you set off with an arsenal that includes anxiety attacks and a homeopathic tea bag (molecules contains a memory of tea in a concentration of 1 part per 10/400).

At the end of each section you get to choose which path to take. On the iPhone app, “start a fight” is a frequent option. Depending on your choices, along the way you’ll meet zombies, Demi Moore and your dad, and adventure through both the fantasy realm and the sort of awkward IRL social interactions which will be painfully familiar to anyone who – having paused an extended round of Half-Life to step into the bright, bright daylight to buy snacks – has haltingly attempted conversation with the newsagent.

Enemy of Chaos is hilarious and ferociously intelligent, and pokes gentle, nerdy fun at the sort of person who proudly wears their faded Red Dwarf T-shirt in public, and watches fantasy Manga tentacle porn in private.

There’s also a touch of Douglas Adams about it – you may find yourself going back to reread sentences which are often laugh-out-loud funny in their own right.

So buy it. Buy it for yourself, or your ICT teacher, or for that “bachelor uncle” who accidentally married another man in Second Life that time, and watch the tears of gratitude spill from behind those thick, thick glasses.

Post by the only slightly nerdy Robyn Wilder of Domestic Sluttery

Sometimes there isn’t music ugly enough to tell you how you feel.

Of course, by ugly, that doesn’t mean a withered hand chopping out power chords with someone singing who makes Thom Yorke look like Mr Universe. No, we’re talking about No Fi.

Absolutely zero in terms of fidelity means checking out the skuzz-pop of Mazes who record their music through the speakers on their telly.

The sound that Mazes seem to be gunning for is the sound of someone taping over something that was taped over something that was taped over… until you end up with a refried version of Pavement. The sounds are more bleached out than a Boards of Canada record that’s been left on a beach for a fortnight. Serious. This is the sound of fuzz, applied to everything.

Yet weirdly, it still works. The tunes are tuneful enough to cut through the scum and leave you with the sound of an American college rock band rehearsing in your loft after they’d stolen all your LPs by The Fall. With a twist of Teenage Fanclub. Very little is known about the band themselves, other than the fact that they’ve got a 45 out (available from Sex Is Disgusting) and that they’ve been attracting the attentions of some well respected people in the music industry. Fuzz is the future it seems.

Mazes MySpace

This was a guest blog by captain Mof Gimmers from Electric Roulette. VISIT.

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Here’s one (not) made earlier.

In a movie industry dominated by action hero sequels, re-makes and Judd Apatow productions, there sometimes comes a long a comedy that truly is the cream on top of the cake.

Whip It follows Bliss Cavendar, an unhappy teen trapped in her small Texan town, until she discovers a hard core roller derby league in Austin. Bliss soon discovers that sometimes you need to grab life by the wheels and roll on out your own destiny.

Drew Barrymore directs, Shauna Cross writes and Ellen Page stars in this roller derby extravaganza. If that wasn’t enough, Juliette Lewis, Marcia Gay Harden and Alia Shawkat also feature. It’s the female buddy movie that Hollywood has needed for years and there isn’t a ravine in sight.

Whip It is due to hit US cinemas this October, and I implore you to go check it out when it reaches your shore or border. Seriously, not since chocolate covered pretzels came to England have I been this excited.

Imagine Little Women; but with all the girls having the personality of Jo, and instead of ice skates they are all wearing roller skates, and instead of giving curtseys they give smackdowns. With names like Malice in Wonderland, Smashly Simpson and Dinah Might you know it ain’t no Starlight Express.

From trailers, clips, interviews and insider scoop, this will be one of the coolest movie of the year. If being entertained for two hours doesn’t appeal, at least do the honorable thing and bust some moves at your local roller disco.

This movie is a win-win situation, so get your skates on.

[story by Gemma Addy]

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You know at Crufts when a dog is lanked up unto its hind legs, invariably by a dotty old lady in saggy tights, and made to jig around? You do?

Urr, you watch Crufts. What a turd. Anyway, that’s beside the point. After the jump is a video of a dancing dog. A Riverdancing dog. We’d be inclined to call it the Michael Flatley that humps your leg afterwards, but we’ve seen Michael Flatley and have a feeling that Michael Flatley is the Michael Flatley that humps your leg afterwards.

Anyway, the video – possibly faked – is after the jump…

Everyone loves a sequel, and everyone else loves a remake.

After all, why should you have to get to know confusing new characters and unfamiliar situations when what you really want is a temporary lobotomy to shield you from the trials and banalities of actual life? It’s far more comforting to see a slightly different version of something you already know about, like the recent TRANSFORMERS 2: HELL YES and STAR TREK: BUT FASTER.

With that in mind, I’ve come up with a list of films for you to watch next summer while you sink into your air conditioned seat, overdosing on Minstrels. I hereby proudly present my Top Twelve Non-Existent Sequels…

1. PORCUPINES ON A HOT AIR BALLOON – After the underwhelming Bees In A Car, Samuel L Jackson teams up with ‘hilarious’ ‘actor’ Martin Lawrence to deliver the final instalment of the animals-in-vehicles trilogy in a movie event that can only be described as ‘awesome’.

Martin Lawrence wants to get these monkey-fightin' porcupines off this Monday-to-Friday hot air balloon.

2. REMIND ME AGAIN WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – Jennifer ‘Love’ Hewitt and Freddie ‘Prinz’ Junior receive threatening phone calls from an old man who can’t remember why he is trying to kill them with a hook. So scary you will literally shit yourself.

She's happy because she's forgotten about the hook.

3. MY NEW BEST FRIEND’S BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING AND A FUNERAL – Martin Freeman navigates a series of awkward parties, fumbling his way through faux pas after faux pas until he dies of food poisoning and has to be cremated. Contains awkward nudity.

..and a funeral

4. THURSDAY THE 12th PART NONE - Horror prequel in which a group of young friends packs to go on holiday, with a nagging sensation that they’re forgetting something. Contains bad decisions and extreme violence.

Young Jason

5. BATMAN BEGUINES - Bruce Wayne must win a ballroom dancing contest to prevent clown shaped villains from taking over the town hall with their clown shaped knives and guns.

6. DIE HARD ZERO – Rookie cop John McClane (probably played by Shia LaBeouf) busts heads on the streets of New York City while his wife grows ever more disillusioned and drops hints that she might one day think about moving to L.A.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker

7. TERMINATOR 5: SOFT TARGETS – a robot carefully designed to look like an old Arnold Schwarzenegger travels back to Victorian times to kick John Connor’s great-grandfather in the nuts. Contains mild peril, and kicks in the nuts.

I need your clothes, your boots, and your penny farthing

8. MATRIX: REMORTGAGES – an old man sits in a white room, painstakingly describing the other Matrix films to Keanu Reeves. Contains padding.

He totally gets it

9. INDIANA JONES AND THE EPISODE OF THE CRYSTAL MAZE – Indy, young Indy, old Indy, and the shadow of a former Indy, explore four challenge zones, completing basic tasks to collect crystals, while Richard O’Brien plays the harmonica sarcastically.

Turns out it's an alien spaceship. Seriously.

10. MAD MAX: THE PASSION OF THE MAX – Mel Gibson directs and stars in this action redux. Contains unsettling graphic scenes of genuine masturbation.

Almost... there...

11. ALIEN VERSUS KEVIN: LOST IN NEW SPACE – Hilarity ensues as Macauley Culkin rigs up a collection of tar-and-feather style booby traps in an abandoned spaceship, during a violent alien onslaught.

Tee hee! It's gonna get hit by a bucket of paint!

12. AUSTIN POWERS: A QUANTUM OF BOLLOCKS – Mike Myers fantasises about the 1960s in a Scottish accent.

Dr Evil

There. Hollywood can have those ideas for free. All I ask for is a 5% cut of Minstrel sales and an advanced copy of the special edition DVDs. Apart from the Mad Max one.

This was a guest post by Jimi Odell from Blogtired, and he’s pretty much Captain Brilliant as far as we’re concerned.

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Is the age of the sitcom really over?

Purists would no doubt argue that it is; pointing to once beloved shows like Fawlty Towers and Blackadder having been killed off by the rise of single-camera shows like The Office or The Peep Show.

We don’t bother getting bogged down in pointless debates like these, far better to spend many happy minutes reminiscing about what it was that made classic sit-coms like Red Dwarf so great in the first place.

How can anyone fail to remember the one about a group of unwashed space bums blundering through the galaxy for no apparent reason while saying ‘smeg’ a lot?

Yes, its name was Red Dwarf and thanks to stars Craig Charles, Chris Barrie, Danny John-Jules and Robert Llewellyn it was funnier than Space Core directive 34124 which clearly states that no officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.

Here in purely subjective order are the top 28 best moments which everyone is free to disagree with but should be warned they risk being labelled a total Smeeeee Heeeeee by Kryten…

1 Lister’s shrinking underpants.

One of the funniest moments in a sit-com. Ever.

2 Kryten’s double Polaroid.

No electrical appliance has ever got us this excited.

3 Rimmer gets the holo-virus.

How did they keep a straight face?

4 Ace Rimmer – what a guy.

Smoke me a kipper – I’ll be back for breakfast.

5 Talkie-toaster is repaired.

Would anyone like any toast?

6 Winnie-the Pooh is executed.

Something no-one should ever have to see!

7 Rimmer and Lister’s delayed fight.

More genius comedy acting.

8 Ace Rimmer kisses Dave.

You watch through your fingers then piss yourself laughing.

9 I want to go to blue alert!

Stepping up to red alert is possible…but does mean changing the bulb!

10 Tongue-tied dance.

He may flip out and confront bin men with swords but man can Danny dance!

11 Lister doesn’t know about the cat.

The first episode and thank God it was a hit.

12 Caligula’s interrogation/Rimmer’s troop inspection.

This episode is rated as one of the worst – these moments both prove it’s not.

13 Kryten explains white hole phenomenon.

So what is it?

14 The Rimmer experience.

A much better Munchin song than the one from Wizard of Oz.

15 Rimmer’s hologramatic projection is damaged.

Chris Barrie shows what a great impressionist he is.

16 The light switch/anti-matter chopsticks.

Who else would still like to risk eating with a Mercurian boomerang spoon?

17 The future crew attack their present selves.

Better anything than that toupee!

18 The boys have a hallucination-induced car chase.

Some genius comedy acting.

19 Rimmer’s trial.

The only person to share a moment of intimacy with Rimmer has a puncture!

20 Ace Rimmer and Duane Dibley.

Probably the best characters in the whole smegging series.

21 Taranshula.

No words, huge laughs.

22 Have a fantastic period.

What bloke would dare do this for a woman?

23 Rimmer is oiled-up.

Are you going to take a flying leap? Hysterical!

24 The crew meet Kryten.

Our first contact with intelligent life in three million years and it’s the android equivalent of Norman Bates.

25 It’s a banana.

No it’s not it’s a small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden.

26 Emergency dusting.

The scariest way for an ex girlfriend to return to a bloke.

27 I can give you 15!

A great visual gag even though it was a bit obvious.

28 The boys ride into town.

That pays for the hat, now what about the insult? OK you’re a fat bearded git with breath that could concuss a grizzly.

[story by Chris Longhurst]

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It’s good when C-list celebrities share their political views isn’t it? Like the time Lee Ryan Out Of Blue told America to stop harping on about 9/11 because an elephant had just died somewhere. Or words to that effect.

What’s even better than C-list celebrities sharing their political opinions is Z-list celebrities espousing their theological beliefs.

Recently it was the turn of Speech Debelle to emit some spiritual pellets of wisdom.

If you’ve never heard of Speech Debelle, don’t worry. Her album may have failed to chart previously, but the most important thing now is that you pretend you knew about her ages ago because she’s just won this year’s Mercury prize.

In a pre-Mercury interview, she spectacularly revealed that the Second Coming may already have been and gone, in the form of Michael Jackson. Now, it would be easy for us to make jokes about how he certainly ‘touched’ children, but that would be highly clichéd, not to mention a little insensitive. So we’ll leave it to her:

“Jesus went around preaching the gospel and touching people to make the blind see and making lepers better. Michael Jackson’s gone around the world and done that … apparently, I don’t know if this is true, there were kids around him who had cancer that didn’t have cancer any more.”

It’s a good point.

We’re not sure if the children in question had undergone intensive medical treatment or extensive chemotherapy at any point, but that’s irrelevant. Medical research has shown that if you simply place a pop star in front of a sick child, the cancer will just run on out of them. Especially if the pop star in question has got a funny-looking nose. Fact.

If you’re hoping for a miracle cure from MJ though, you’ll be sorely disappointed. In case you missed it, he’s dead. Which is another way in which Jesus and Jacko are basically the same – they’re both dead.

Apparently Barry Manilow is still available for medical emergencies however, but he’s only really good at curing colds and sniffles, not so much with the cancer. And even then, all he does is give you a few Handy Andies and make you a Lemsip.

But, back to ways in which MJ and Jesus are almost definitely one and the same.

It’s a historical fact that Jesus came back to life as a rabbit on Easter Sunday and since then Christians have celebrated by eating chocolate. So, it looks like Michael’s going to have to do some serious resurrecting, and fast, if we’re to believe he really was the Messiah incarnate.

Well the good news is, he already has. Irrefutable film evidence exists which clearly shows Jacko’s ghost having a stroll around his house. Either that or some shadows. You can judge for yourself with this YouTube vid.

Damning stuff, you’re sure to agree.

This was a guest post by Leah Kayles from Smell My Cheese, which is actually quite wonderful.

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Folk music was once the language of impoverished people singing about their first born getting hung by poshos and the cries of a people in chains, repressed by other poshos.

Then, at some point in history, folk music stopped being a language, but rather, something powered by its sense of own self worth. Riffs recycled, along with the tin cans that once housed organic pulses and the like. It’s enough to make you puke, especially when the NuFolkies end up flogging their faux DIY charms to a Daewoo commercial or some junk.

Twee and insipid seems to be the way to get ahead in advertising.

However, in amongst all that horribly cute-as-a-kitten-chasing-a-butterfly acoustic nonsensery, we’ve got a truly wonderful band who have eschewed all that eco-pop guff in favour of mixing folkie styles with something infinitely more interesting.

Imagine Broadcast or Stereolab if someone cut their electricity off and you’ll be ambling into the territory of the wonderful and beguiling Maladies of Bellafontaine.

With lyrics that sound half thought up, half automatically written in some weird cult initiation, songs stroll into your brain with odd reflections on the minutiae of life through strings of sausages, long
socks and lorries. All grown from instruments nicked from the toy shop and fizzing analogue electronics. They’re catchy as hell too and have nice clothes. What more do you need from band? Sure, they’re as cute as a button, but scratch the surface and there’s some wrong wiring in there which makes this band a truly pleasing and fascinating prospect.

The Maladies Of Bellafontaine MySpace

This was a guest blog by dear old Mof Gimmers from Electric Roulette. If you like music, go there please.

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