Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.

When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”

However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.

Aniston said of her annoyance:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – (people make money off) a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

As if to prove something, she then waffled interminably about her new lover, Justin cousin-of-Louis Theroux, just long enough that the interviewers didn’t notice the delicious irony in her flagrant perpetuation of the very misconception she professes to despise.

But we’re onto you, Aniston. We’re onto you because we are serious investigative journalists with a keen nose for delicious irony.

We suppose, though, in a way, we kind of sympathise. Lots of people think we are locked in a steamy love triangle with two Hollywood stars, when actually we haven’t felt the warm touch of another human hand for ages, so the jokes on them.

Losers.

This was a guest post by Becca Day-Preston who in fact, is fighting them off with a large, shitty stick

Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”. 

The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.

Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here’s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.

10. Marcus Allen shreds the Washington Redskins defence (Super Bowl XVIII)

If you’re a fan of the Redskins, this’ll hurt. Watching the then defending Super Bowl champions get smothered by Tom Flores’ Los Angeles Raiders, is painful, watching Marcus Allen make patsies of the ‘skins defence is excruciating. Redskins fans are still waiting for the day that they watch this replay and, magically, Darrell Green catches Allen. One day.

9. Montana to Taylor (Super Bowl XXIII)

Super Bowl XXIII was one of those rare Super Bowls that wasn’t a total crock, it featured a cagey first half with the teams trading field goals and brutal injuries (a broken ankle for the Niners, a shattered leg for the Bengals), but it was Stanford Jennings kick-off return for a touchdown for the Bengals that lit the touch paper on this classic. Eventually it was Joe Cool and the 49ers that prevailed with a 92 yard drive culminating in the game winning touchdown to John Taylor to capture the Niners first Super Bowl for 4 years.

8. Roethlisberger to Holmes/Rambling Madman (Super Bowl XLIII)

Fuck the Steelers. The current Pittsburgh team is home to two of the most unlikeable players in NFL history. First, there’s Ben Roethlisberger who was a botched police report away from a rape charge (that’s 3 he’s dodged now if you’re keeping count) and homophobic idiot James Harrison. Begrudgingly these two plays are very good, Roethlisberger threads the ball between three cardinals defenders to Holmes who makes a balletic catch whilst falling out of bounds to win the game; and perhaps most impressively, Harrison intercepts Kurt Warner at the goal line and returns it 100 yards for the score, everybody likes to watch fat people running so this was like poetry in motion.

7. Wide Right (Super Bowl XXV)

The Buffalo Bills of the late 80s/early 90s were a joy to behold; with Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas running the high octane “K-Gun” offense and hall of fame quarterback destroyer Bruce Smith powering the defence. They marched to an improbable 4 straight Super Bowls, and more improbably, lost them all. The first was the most heart breaking of all with Scott Norwood’s last minute 47 yard field goal sailing wide right sealing a 20-19 victory for the New York Giants, the closest margin of victory in any Super Bowl.

6. Redemption For New Orleans (Super Bowl XLIV)

When hurricane Katrina battered the city of New Orleans in 2005 the super dome became a shelter for hundreds of homeless. In the aftermath the city felt let down by the federal government and the Saints themselves had to play in San Antonio for the 2005 season, when they returned to the super dome in 2006 the city took on the team as a beacon of hope for renewal, it was the start of a drive of city and team that culminated with a win in Super Bowl XLIV

5. Doug Williams Vs. The Broncos (Super Bowl XXII)

When the John Elway-led Denver Broncos took a 10-0 lead at the end of the first quarter with Washington quarterback Doug Williams injured on the side-lines, things looked grim for the ‘skins; no team had ever overcome more than a 10 point margin, but when Williams returned for the ‘skins first drive of the second quarter, the game was turned on its head. Williams threw touchdowns to Gary Clark, Clint Didier and two to Ricky Sanders to blow the Bronocos out the game and become the first (and so far only) African-American quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

4. The Tackle (Super Bowl XXXIV)

The ’99 St. Louis Rams have gone down in history as one of the most explosive, high powered offensives in NFL History. The so-called ‘Greatest Show on Turf’ could outscore anyone with the quadruple threat of QB Kurt Warner (that season’s league MVP), RB Marshall Faulk and WR’s Isaac Bruce & Torry Holt, but it was a defensive play that was required to overcome the Steve McNair led Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV. The image of Kevin Dyson with ball outstretched failing to reach the end zone is one of the most iconic in Super Bowl history, with the tackler, Mike Jones, whose career was otherwise undistinguished would go down as the NFL equivalent of a ‘one hit wonder’

3. 70 Chip (Super Bowl XVII)

John Riggins is a folk legend. A beast of a running back, ‘The Diesel’ smashed through defences for 14 years on his way to the Hall of Fame, but that was all secondary with Riggo, ‘cos he’s one of the greatest characters the game has ever spit out.

No other player has ever told supreme court justice Sandra Day O’Conner to “lighten up Sandy baby”, Or decided to sit out a year to go fishing and hunting. But it was his 43 yard run into super bowl history that was his finest moment. Facing 4th and 1 at the Miami 43, Joe Gibbs called I-Right 70 Chip, Riggins took the hand-off, made the edge and swotted away Don McNeal who desperately grasped for Riggins jersey in vain. The Dolphins learned that once cranked up, you couldn’t stop The Diesel.

2. The Guarantee (Super Bowl III)

When the two rival leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League agreed to play a season end championship game starting in ’67, no-one gave the upstart AFL a chance against the big boy NFL, and the first two super bowls were NFL victories, Super Bowl III pitted the NFL’s Baltimore Colts against the AFL’s New York Jets. New York, led by ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath had ideas on an upset. The cocksure, fashionable playboy Namath went one step further, proclaiming “We’re gonna win the game. I guarantee it”, the world scoffed, but after time expired it was Namath and the Jets who had the last laugh, defeating the Colts 16-7, and the image of Namath walking off the field wagging his finger is no doubt the most indelible image from any super bowl

1. ‘The Catch’ (Super Bowl XLII)

Super Bowl XLII was meant to be a capper on a perfect season for the New England Patriots, they had simply smashed every single opponent on route to an unprecedented 18-0 record (the only undefeated team in history the ‘72 Dolphins finished 12-0 and won’t shut the fuck up about it). Only the New York Giants and their oft criticised, always derp-faced quarterback Eli Manning stood between the ‘Pats and history. Well that’s not true, the Giants defence is what really stood between the two, sacking Ugg-shilling-Mr-Gisele-Bundchen Tom Brady 4 times and harassing him all game, still the Giants couldn’t put it together on offense, until Eli Manning got swallowed by the Pats defence, and somehow came out the other side, heaving the ball up for David Tyree to haul in with the most improbable catch ever seen, the ball seemingly velcroed to his helmet. After that it seemed fated that Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game winner.

This was a guest post by strong-arm Dan Cabble who has been enjoying unpopular culture for well over a decade now. Find him whining here.

Downton Abbey is great for many reasons: its faithful commitment to anachronism, its stringent adhesion to the patriarchal values of an aristocratic class that should by all rights be extinct and, of course, all the lovely shiny things. 

If you’re a magpie, or a viewer in possession of a lower than average IQ, you probably spent the heavily-ad-breaked episodes of Downton thinking only of the shiny things, whilst occasionally wondering how Michelle Dockery keeps her face so very, very immobile.

Well, guess what, stupid magpie folk: you can buy replicas of all the shiny things you saw on those ass-kicking Edwardian heroines! From a knotted pearl necklace (quiet at the back) as modelled by Lavinia before she died the lamest death ever, to Lady Sybil’s token feminist gesture earrings, it’s all here! There’s also a cloche hat, for if you like Downton but also take fashion cues from Notting Hill circa 2005. Oh, and a teapot and mug set.

The collection isn’t actually licensed by the Downton Machine Conglomerate (or Carnival Films, whatever), who got predictably sniffy about not making any profit from the collection.

Julian ‘richer than Croesus’ Fellowes was likely too furious to make any comment other than a strangled aristo sputter, so the production company said this:

“We did not authorise the sale of Lady Mary jewellery. Our lawyers have been in contact with PBS in order to remove these items from sale.”

The items haven’t been removed, but all mention of Downton characters has. Which is actually a good thing. You might think it romantic to buy your wife a Lady Mary or Lady Edith necklace, but what you’re saying there is that she’s either a cold bitch who’d fuck a Turkish diplomat to death, or a plain ginger who is destined to a lifetime of spinsterhood and put downs from Dame Maggie Smith.

Speaking of Dame Maggie, where’s the Dowager Violet Hat and Cane set, eh? Ageist bastards.

This was written by Becca Day Preston with her own blood

OfCom, the protector of modern decency and punisher of all who swear at Manuel from Fawlty Towers, have ruled that ITV were breaking the rules when they let Tulisa waggle her arm at the cameras.

And not in a Rebel Without a Cause, sexy, doing it with the lights on, leaving the lid off the margarine and swearing at the Pope kind of rule-breaking way, oh no.

They were breaking broadcasting rules, which are as old and fierce as time itself. Unless you’re Ricky Gervais, and you want to insult disabled people, obviously.

Tulisa got in big trouble this October for her attempt at reinventing Cheryl Cole’s now notorious “dickhead salute” in an even more irritating and fatuous manner, by doing a sort of half-sentient gurn at the camera whilst displaying her classy The Female Boss tattoo.

As well as being awkwardly worded and sounding like a low quality but potentially filthy spanking film, The Female Boss is the name of Tulisa’s perfume, which we had a sniff of when we were doing our Christmas shopping, and can assure you smells like Glenn’s vodka and a handful of Wham bars.

Tulisa, taking a break from glassing a child in the face while keying someone’s Fiesta, gave far too much credit to the intelligence of The X Factor’s audience:

“someone wouldn’t go into a shop and buy my perfume just because they’d seen my tattoo”

They probably, would, Tulisa. They bought Canonball by Little Mix, didn’t they?

Meanwhile, Ricky Gervais’ joke about Susan Boyle being a “mong” is apparently totally fine and AOK and Ofcom thinks maybe you should just calm down about it, yeah? You see, Tulisa was flogging her rank odour pre-watershed, while Ricky Gervais waited until half 10 at night to insult people with Down’s Syndrome and “therefore most viewers of the programme would have been expecting stronger and more challenging content.”

Which leaves us to wonder, would we rather live in a world where Tulisa’s perfume is pumped into the atmosphere 24/7, or where Ricky Gervais’ comedy is considered ‘challenging’?

It’s a tough one to call.

This was a post by Becca Day-Preston who is really bloody amazing

The Queen of New Boring has come under attack for having the temerity to get all pelvic and grunty with a man who might not be entirely divorced from his estranged wife.

As if it wasn’t enough that she can’t get through a day without a million more people buying her album, she’s had to take to her blog (which is a step up from taking to Twitter, at least) to tell everyone that

a) he’s not married and b) it’s none of their goddamn business.

Taking a break from sitting down and bellowing ballads, Adele made these words happen to her bit of the internet:

“Contrary to reports and headlines in the press today, Simon is divorced and has been for 4 years. Everyone in our lives separately and together wish us nothing but the best, and vice versa. These are the facts.”

So, that clears that up, then. He is definitely not still married, not to anyone, not even a little tiny bit married.

Now, you might ask yourself why it would even matter if he was 100% definitely still married, given that marriage in itself is an antiquated and ridiculous ritual, divorce is expensive and that opting for mere estrangement at least leaves you with one person who can’t testify against you when your participation in the biggest crystal meth ring this side of Albuquerque is finally revealed.

And well done you, for asking questions instead of dumbly buying it like you bought Adele’s album.

It doesn’t really matter either way. What matters is that his nickname is Swampy, he went to Eton, and the two of them were introduced by human pumpkin Ed Sheeran.

That’s where the real story is, people.

This article was written by Becca Day-Preston who is willing to punch you for money. Careful.

Skin’s nice, isn’t it? The biggest organ of all the other organs in your body, according to the internet (though our liver is probably jostling for that accolade), and really good for when you want to stop your other, smaller, organs from falling out and making a mess on the carpet.

Its also pretty good for making a special outfit to wear to old Buffalo Bill’s Valentine’s Day party.

People always say you need to look after your skin, which we do by maintaining a full, thick layer of Vaseline at all times. Beyonce has been looking after her skin, though, by making it white! Seriously. Step away from the Tippex, B, people are starting to think you might be a bit of a racist.

That’s right, in a bid to make all black girls everywhere feel inferior, Beyonce has been whitewashed yet again.

A new picture has been released to promote her actually-really-boring album 4, with tantalising side-boob action and stockings, if that’s what gets you going.

She also looks pretty much completely white (and also like she might be holding in a fart, but that’s not the main issue here) which is, when you come to think about it, really quite racist.

Just like in 2008 when she was edited down to a light beige by L’Oreal.

These pallid publicity shots kind of suggest that, to sell to a wide (white) audience, Beyonce and her ‘people’ think she’s got to whiten up.

So, you know, a pat on the back to everyone, really. It’s the 21st century and we’re still apparently not willing to buy stuff advertised or made by black people.

Nice one, everyone, really. Well done.

This was an article written by Becca Day-Preston who, in all seriously, will probably kick your teeth inward if you try messing with her. Okay?

A father of premature-twins has complained that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s ‘people’ stopped him from visiting his newborns in hospital.

Despite doing nothing more remarkable than what women have been doing for thousands of years and without the help of a placenta-grooming team, Beyonce’s medical needs were deemed so important by her minders that they barred other patients from entering the 6th floor neonatal intensive care unit where Queen B was resting up after giving birth to a child presumably named after a toilet-cleaner.

Neil Coulon accused Beyonce’s hired goons of treating the hospital corridor like ‘an exclusive nightclub’. By which we mean, enforced a strict entrance policy, rather than charging other patients £30, flicking the light switches on and off, pissing on the floor then dousing them in Joop! and pheromones.

Coulon told the New York Daily News:

“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday – just because they wanted to use the hallway”

“They should have been more strategic about it. These are children with problems in intensive care and you’re just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.”

To be honest, it is incredibly hard not to side with B&J on this one; the $750million powercouple are alleged to have blown $1.3million bullet-proofing the maternity wing, Money well spent, as everyone knows that bullet wounds are sooooo 2004.

Think about it.

If you spent £30 on a new rug, you wouldn’t even let people walk on it with their SHOES on, let alone allowing sick people dripping umbilical blood, guts, vernix and stuff all over it.

In fact, for $1.3million we would have expected all NHS’ers shot on sight. So yeah. You go B! Besides, did the plebs make a piece of music about the whole thing that sounded like this?

No. No they didn’t. Yes, we know it’s not very good.

UPDATE – The hospital have denied these claims, but that’s not very funny. Either way, we’re adding this so lawyers don’t give us hassle.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik who, frankly, has great legs and fists that won’t quit. It is advised you don’t mess

The world’s most talented baby was born at the weekend – Blue Ivy Curtis – who will change everything, and will definitely not look like Nas, came out of the world’s greatest vagina to rapturous trumpet fanfare, while Jay-Z reconsidered his verses in early hit “Big Pimpin’”.

Blue Ivy, who has more money and talent than anyone we could ever think of despite being less than a week old, hasn’t been officially announced by Jay-Z and Beyonce, because they’re closed-off about their relationship to frankly KGB levels.

However, a bunch of other folks announced the outbreak of Blue Ivy after various media sources calculated that something had to happen surely, because that’s been 9 months and that’s how it works after having read a book at school AND EVERYTHING.

Rihanna, a woman who is familiar with reproduction, took to Twitter, writing:

“Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih.”

Of course, Blue Ivy isn’t actually the niece of Rihanna by blood, and as such, will find her sexually attractive in years to come. Still, nothing beats X Factor winner Leon Jackson, who tweeted this gruesome missive:

“That lucky baby that gets to suck on Beyonce’s boobs”

Naturally, hecklerspray would like to wish all the best to Blue Ivy Carter who is going to make everything different, and no-one else’s child is ever going to be as good. In school, Blue will have a desk made of gold, but the other kids will still love her because she’s brilliant and she’s made out of amazing people.

Obviously we can’t guarantee that Blue Ivy will go into music like Mum and Dad, but here’s some advice for the immaculate sprog:

• Your parents can afford better than Ark Music. Don’t do a Rebecca Black.
• If you’re going to attempt a modern narrative on feminism, go to Mum. Although… yeah, going to Mum’s better.
• Ladies if you love ya man show him you the finest, grind up on him girl show him how you ride it.
• Don’t ask Dad “What’s the problem? ” because he’s got 99 of them, making you…
• Don’t use the later Destinys Child stuff as a focus. They were way, way better around the “Bills, Bills, Bills” era.

We can all get on with hating our worthless lives now.

This was a guest post by Euan L Davidson who is currently shopping for Roc-A-Wear bibs and nappies.

Sometimes it’s hard for pop artists, isn’t it? When Britney feared she was becoming irrelevant, she reached for the bottle labelled “substep” and shaved her head, while J-Lo’s relative obscurity in recent years was remedied by a genuinely insulting and lazy attempts at songs about dancing and drinking too much.

But nothing keeps a musician relevant like an assault charge and an addiction now, does it?

Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud announced today, just after a story about her and boyfriend Theo de Vries kicking lumps out of each other came out this week, that the couple met in rehab for their respective drinking problems. Now, it’s not that we’re taking a pop at recovering addicts and victims of domestic abuse. Far from it. In fact, you go, girl!

The, er, blonde one from the pop group is facing charges of assault after a particularly violent row with said boyfriend on holiday in Austria.

When they should have been skiing, eating Muesli together or enjoying the work of pioneering Austrian filmmaker Sascha Kolowrat (thanks, Wikipedia), they were emptying mini-bars to avoid temptation, but eventually sneaked in some wine and everything ended up ‘a bit Tekken’.

Obviously, domestic abuse is never funny, but it could be just the thing to revive Girls Aloud and Harding’s personal stock.

Look at history: when noted feminist Dr Dre had a hilarious misunderstanding with a female American rapper and “television personality” Dee Barnes in 1991, it didn’t affect his bad-boy image, and he went on to redefine hip-hop. Chris Brown took issue with ex-girlfriend Rihanna, and look at him now; his fan base is unflinchingly loyal (to a genuinely terrifying extent). Harding can even look at her pal Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/Whatever, who went from abuser of toilet attendants to national treasure in less than 5 years. It just works.

So it’s not all bad, Sarah. Just switch to Ribena and stop hanging out with dickheads, and you could be a talent judge in a few years’ time! Great!

This was a guest article by Euan L Davidson who is planning on assaulting as many people as possible in a bid to become the next Joe Swash or something.

For years now, butch gay men have been modelling themselves on Hulk Hogan. Handlebar moustache? Check. Tight t-shirt with the sleeves cut off? Check. Flings with musclebound studs called Brutus Beefcake? Check…

Wait, what?

Yes, according to Hogan’s estranged wife Linda, Terrance Gene ‘Hulk Hogan’ Bollea had an affair with the aforementioned Mr Beefcake, a.k.a. Ed Leslie. The claims emerged in her recent book: ‘Wrestling the Hulk’, which, incidentally is also the name of an obscure sexual practice featuring three men in ripped trousers and a vat of green paint.

The Hulkster denies the claims, stating ‘ME SO ANGRY’ and ‘HULK SMASH’.

Hang on, that’s not right. What he actually said was:

“If any of that was true, I would admit it, and (if) I was a homosexual I would embrace it.”

Unfortunately, for all that Terry was commendably quick to claim he isn’t actually gay as a window for beefy men, but that who cares if he is, right? Because it’s fine…he doesn’t take the sensible, gay-friendly step of just stopping right there, going on to say:

“It’s just so crazy to hear, so I have a real problem with it. I don’t mean to laugh about it, because it’s not funny. But it’s insane. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

Although that directly contradicts his Twitter feed, which currently reads:

HULK SMASH REPUBLICAN TEA PARTY HOMOPHOBIA! And HAPPY COMING OUT DAY! HULK WEAR RAINBOW SHORTS IN CELEBRATION.

Actually, that last one might be by @FeministHulk. But still, on the whole- wethinks the Hulk doth protest too much.

Afterall, his sport is entirely dedicated to the homoeroticism of men, greased up, fake tanned and mauling each other in their underwear.

This was a guest post by ‘spray alumni Hilary W of the tremendous Tellysquawks.com. Okay?

Christmas is-a-coming, and the geese are getting fat. Handy really as they’ll probably be eaten soon along with turkeys, vegetables, pudding and of course, lots of mulled wine and the like.

As much as it pains us, we really like Christmas. It’s all about eating, drinking and allowing us the opportunity to crack a smile once a year. Of course, we’ll be sulking after watching an hour of Christmas television, but the idea of Christmas is overwhelmingly brilliant for a period.

And we’re not the only ones getting in the Yuletide spirit! And what better way to get you in the mood than Christmas music which, despite what the shops blurt out, ain’t all bad at all!

It goes without saying that a lot of Christmas music is lousier than a lousy wheelbarrow filled with lousiness, but sometimes, Christmas music can blindside you and really get you in the swing of things.

hecklerspray is known for weeping salty tears of sentimental weakness in the face of an old brass band playing in the winter wind.

So imagine, you’re out doing your Christmas shopping and suddenly, you’re surrounded by a T-Mobile flashmob and they make you go all Yuley.

Imagine no more. Watch this. Then you can have a listen to some of our favourite Christmas songs!

See? People smiling and having fun and, most importantly, being slightly bewildered initially! That’s what the festive season is all about, right? Bewilderment and dancing! So, here’s a selection of our fave festive numbers and there’s absolutely no Wonderful Christmastime or Mud.

Mabel Scott Boogie Woogie Santa Claus

Elvis Santa Bring My Baby Back

Rotary Connection Christmas Love

Stevie Christmas Song

Marvin Purple Snowflakes

Go-Go’s I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek

Clarence Carter Back Door Santa

Frank Cosmo Merry Christmas

Big Joe Turner Christmas Date Boogie

Honey And The Bees Jing A Ling

This post was sponsored by T-Mobile, which is nice.

We all dream of doing something cool for a living, right? Becoming a bass-player in a hot band or making ice-sculptures for obscenely wealthy investor balls. Well, some people actually have the nerve to go and do it.

We’re not jealous at all. Nope.

Okay. We’re hugely envious of these people. However, listening to them speak can be rather inspiring, mainly because the cynic in you thinks ‘Hey! Look at this bozo! I could do his job!‘ Well, Sailor Jerry have made a buncha short films looking at people who have enviously great jobs but aren’t idiots with it.

Of course, not all cool jobs will make you grotesquely wealthy overnight.

The films made by Sailor Jerry look at labours of love and people who can’t quite believe their luck, which is irritatingly sweet for jaded hacks like us.

And so, here’s a selection of videos that show off those who decided to go for broke in the world of tattooing, motorcycles and more.

God, we’re so unswervingly pathetic in comparison.

This article is sponsored by Sailor Jerry, which is just swell

Oi! You look like a bright spark! You look like a regularly little sleuth who can work tricky puzzles out in the name of gain! A regular little Carmen Sandiego aren’t you?

Unless, of course, you’re more of an Inspector Gadget and continually mess things up, forever to be bailed out by your niece and her dog. Seriously. Have a word with yourself or you’ll end up with Matthew Broderick playing you in a film, and no-one wants that.

No, you’re needed to travel through time. Yes you are. You need to go back to 1780, specifically to Dublin, so you can find the missing barrel. WoooOOOOoOo. YEAH?

So what do you need to find this missing barrel?

Well, you’ll need concentration! You’ll need COURAGE! And you’ll need a Facebook account. The latter isn’t as dramatic, granted, but y’know, Dublin in the 1700′s actually did have Facebook accounts. They were ahead of their time the Irish. Honest they were.

Anyway, you’ll need to watch this video and then visit Jameson1780.com to find out more.

It really is terribly exciting and, should you need to sharpen your mind, we advice drinking some whisky first because, as we all know, humans definitely think better when they’ve had a glass of adult pop.

Just look at Inspector Morse. He was always doing a bit of ‘thinking’ in the pub. Perhaps we should rebrand whisky as ‘think-drink’?

Anyway, watch this. Solve a mystery.

Hecklerspray is known for not really liking anything but when it comes to fuzzy-wuzzy, cuddly, comedic characters- we’re all over it. So you can imagine our delight when we realised that the new Muppets film draws ever closer.

The Muppets is going to be wonderful. Even if it’s the worst film ever made by human hands, it will still be wonderful, such is the strength of feeling and nostalgia for Jim Henson’s creation. That’s the kind of film that people want to see.

Admittedly, the film company seems to think that those of us in the UK want to wait three months before we see the film in cinemas but you can’t have everything.

So without much further ado. Why don’t you brighten up your Friday by taking a look at some sneak peeks of the new Muppets movie?

SONGS!

THE DESPERATE NEED FOR A CELEBRITY HOST!

ELECTROCUTION!

80s’ Movie Robots!

How can you not be excited?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

When the first Uncharted game came out way back in 2007, it took us a while to buy it. It’s not Drake’s fault, it’s his big-titted predecessor Lara Croft, and the infuriating Tomb Raider series.

It’s not her big polygonal boobs, or the clipped British accent, or the fact that she’s so ridiculously minted she can afford to piss about, travelling the world and shooting a host of endangered species – it’s that the games she starred in were steaming piles of bear turd, with a terrible shooting dynamic.

Then, one day, with little interest for a new “treasure hunting” game, it dawned on everyone that Uncharted was a game where you could pretend to be Indiana Jones. What’s not to like about that?

Drake is one of those rare characters in gaming where you actually give two hoots about what’s happening to him, and the third instalment from Naughty Dog plays on that in a big way.

The first half hour of the game barely has any action in it (well, at least none of the shooting kind). Instead, you’re thrown into a dodgy deal with London gangsters, a punch up in what can only be a BNP pub, judging by the haircuts, bovver boots and union jacks adorned all over the place, and then you’re thrown into a flashback, where a fresh faced teenage Drake is trying to break into a Colombian museum (because when you’re in Colombia, and coked up to the eyeballs, you need a bit of culture).

This isn’t a game you can just pick up without playing the first two – you’ll literally have lost the plot in less than an hour, and none of the large scale events that have so much meaning to those of us who’ve been with the series from the beginning will be completely lost on you. There are a lot of loose ends that get tied up in the story, and while this shouldn’t be the place for spoilers, Elena (the love interest in the series) plays a big part in this. So, if you’re new to the series, stop reading this now, get the first two dirt cheap online, and come back here when you’re ready.

It’s clear from the start that, while the graphics haven’t been given a massive overhaul, they’re still the prettiest thing you’ll ever see on the PS3. Gone are the soulless dead eyes from Uncharted 2 that could induce really rather terrible nightmares. At times, it’s easy to forget your playing a game. During the game, you may well find yourself stopping to admire the view, gazing out over the desert at midnight, the starlit sky, and lights from the nearest village stretching out to forever [Jesus Christ. What kind of hippie rubbish is this? - Ed].

The acting can’t be faulted either – Naughty Dog have perfected the art of blending motion capture and animation, keeping their stable of voice actors working well beyond the norm for the industry. When you see Drake raise a cheeky eyebrow and flash that crooked smile – you’re watching Nolan North’s performance in the studio. Despite all the hype, L.A. Noire didn’t even come close to nailing graphics like these.

Now, perhaps the most important aspect you want to hear about is the gameplay. To put it bluntly, this game is a bastard! Played on hard setting, this game can still be completed it in two days (or, more accurately, just over 9 hours in total) but, Jesus, you’ll have to work for it.

During that time, we found ourselves dying close to 200 times during playthrough and came very close to launching the control pad through the television on at least 150 of those deaths.

The enemy AI is off the charts. They have eyes in the back of their heads. You think you’re being clever, sneaking up on Messr. Heavily Armed Pirate, but as soon as you’ve hoisted him over the crate, and quietly snapped his neck, his mates are all over you, grenades and bullets flying everywhere while you cower behind an awkwardly placed chaise lounge, crying to yourself as the man with the gigantic shotgun creeps ever nearer with a plateful of ass to hand to you. You can try and sneak around like Solid Snake, but you will get spotted, and when it happens you better make sure you take out the snipers first.

The main concern about Uncharted 3 was that it would repeat the cardinal sin of the second instalment, Honour Among Thieves: throughout Uncharted 2, you perfected shooting and climbing, precision aiming, and generally cowering behind the scenery waiting for the perfect shot. Then the final boss came along, and had you running around in circles and blind firing behind you while the bad guy threw grenades at you.

It was a disappointing end to an amazing game and it made me want to drown kittens. The final boss in Uncharted 3 more than makes up for it. You utilise every skill you’ve had to develop over the course of the series, and by god is it satisfying when it all goes your way! People might complain that the lack of a badass “classic” final boss is a tad unsatisfying, but if you look at the whole level as the final boss, then you can truly appreciate it.

If you’ve played the first two, and haven’t got your hands on the third one yet, then you need to rectify the situation immediately. It might only take two days to complete, but the action packed story, and the multiplayer, will keep you satisfied for months.

This was a guest post by Ed Williams who you can find out more about here.  Just make sure you breathe through your mouth when you’re around him.

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