In the most shocking and horrific announcement of the week, it has been revealed that a new Carry On film is in pre-production.

It’s to be called Carry On London and will tell the – no doubt hilarious – story of chauffeur company Lenny’s Limos. The plot centres around Lenny and the night his company handles driving celebrities to “the Herberts,” which are apparently a clever parody of the Oscars.

Wait, we think our sides just probably split.

Look at any computer game site or technology review and you will see that Sony, the company everyone expected to walk away with E3 this year, in fact had the poorest showing in LA last week.

PS3 fansites are awash with anger and bile as Playstation fanatics vent their spleen at Sony’s E3 announcements. The key source of gripe? Since the release of its tech specs at E3 last year the rumour mill has been constantly churning as to what price Sony will put on their next gen behemoth, the PS3.

Sheryl Crow featuring Sting

Always On Your Side

A&M

Remember when Sheryl Crow wrote Stonesy rockers brimming with pop culture references like There Goes The Neighbourhood and If It Makes You Happy? Remember when the mere mention of Sting’s name didn’t bring you out in a cold sweat? Nah, we’re all too young for that. Always On Your Side – released to plug a reissue of Crow’s flop Wildflower album, last chance saloon-spotters – is a schmaltzy piano ballad rendered teeth-grinding by a horribly dated drum loop and some truly heinous lyrics. (Our pick: “You were always waiting to be picked to play the game, but when your name was called, you found a place to hide”). It’s like that decade-old tin of treacle you found in Auntie Ethel’s attic after she’d died: saccharine, gloopy and utterly stale.

Thank the Lord above that dreary old Sheryl Crow and her rubbish music isn’t the only singer with a new single out this week. More singles reviews from Christina Milian, Lil’ Kim, Angels & Airwaves, Morning Runner and The Like after the jump…

It may be the most obvious and unnecessary launch of all time, but yesterday at Microsoft’s pre-E3 keynote speech Halo 3 was officially announced.

Not only this, but a teaser Halo 3 trailer was screened to a hushed audience and then immediately released onto Xbox Live for download by salivating fans. So huge and rabid is the demand for anything Halo 3 that Microsoft’s Xbox Live service (designed to cope with millions of people online at once) promptly buckled under the weight of traffic for the trailer. Any other than the most lucky had their attempts to download continuously disconnected as everyone and his dog rushed for a taste of the mighty Halo bone.

Anyone who’s seen the hit ABC show Lostt (now entering its second season in the UK) knows that calling it frustrating and inconclusive is akin to calling Hitler a bit of a shit.

Lost is, in fact, a show which delights in refusing to actually deal with, or resolve, any of its manifold plot threads. Millions of viewers find it bastard annoying, but they still watch it in the blind hope that at some point Lost is actually going to have to be specific about something. If the second season ends as inconclusively as the first we’re fairly certain that we’ll go postal out of sheer frustration. And Bad Twin, a new book by Lost character Gary Troup, isn’t exactly helping.

LL Cool J featuring Jennifer Lopez

Control Myself

Mercury

Oh Jennifer, did it have to come to this? After last year’s Rebirth album bombed, the pelt-sporting, scent-flogging, movie-cursing Latino diva is reduced to a cameo spot on a record by a rent-a-rapper. Thing is, this single might just save Lopez the way Mariah Carey’s collaboration with Busta Rhymes- I Know What You Want, name fans- saved her. For Control Myself is Sharon Stone circa 1992 sexy: a lascivious slice of electro R&B which, at times, threatens to break into the Eurythmics’ Here Comes The Rain Again. And, you know what, even Lopez’s Fergie-off-of-Black Eyed Peas impression is kinda appealing. Expect a blockbuster comeback album, The Liberation of J.Lo, early in 2007.

More? More singles reviews? More singles reviews by Daz Sampson, The Beautiful South, Hot Chip, Gear, Neil Leyton, Pet Shop Boys and Boy Kill Boy? After the jump? OK then…

The final two candidates in The Apprentice are Michelle Dewberry and Ruth Badger. Or – for those of you who have just dipped in and out of the show – the giant scary girl, and the one with the low-cut tops that cries a lot.

The best-performing candidate in the Apprentice tasks up until now, Paul, was sent packing by Sir Alan Sugar. The nice guy Ansell also followed him out the door as the women took over the final.

It’s a nightmare these days when you can’t repeatedly get engaged, married and divorced, dominate department stores with your clothing and perfume range, while claiming to remember your Bronx roots all the way from your California mansion, without being taken seriously.

Well it is for Jennifer Lopez anyway.