It must be cripplingly difficult for a judge to choose between parents in a child custody case – although it probably makes it easier when the mother claims that her alter ego is God's daughter and the half sister of Jesus and that aliens often visit her.
So the judge in charge of dishing out the custody of Anne Heche's son must have breathed a sigh of relief. Anne Heche – star of Psycho and Donnie Brasco – has lost custody of her son Homer to her ex-husband Coley Laffoon as well as being ordered to pay an unspecified amount of child support. Anne Heche didn't go down without fighting, though, claiming that Coley Laffoon was too busy playing ping-pong and masturbating to internet porn to be a proper father to Homer. On the other hand, Coley never wrote a book claiming to be God's daughter so, you know, swings and roundabouts.
Celebrity custody battles rock our world, and if you've got any sense they'll rock yours too. Who cares about the traumatic emotional distress that a collapsing family causes a child when you get to hear Alec Baldwin call his daughter a "rude pig" or see David Hasselhoff rolling around the floor drunk? That's the sort of stuff that's guaranteed to brighten anyone's day, and shame on Britney Spears and Kevin Federline for politely agreeing to share custody of their children.
Britney and Kevin should be taking notes about the custody battle between C-list actress Anne Heche and husband Coley Laffoon, which Laffoon has just won. E! Online reports:
The freelance videographer and stay-at-home dad, who filed for divorce in February, petitioned the court in early May for joint legal custody and primary physical custody of Homer, stating in his filing that Heche had "poor parenting skills" and had exhibited "bizarre and delusional behavior" that made him wary of leaving Homer in her care.
We're not sure what constitutes 'bizarre and delusional behaviour' – but this Anne Heche we're talking about; a woman who claims her father sexually molested her, who has had romantic encounters with Steve Martin and one of Fleetwood Mac, says her alter-go Celestia is the half-sister of Jesus who talks to aliens, who had a lesbian dalliance with Ellen DeGeneres and who, after she split up with Ellen – because God told her to – and got married to a man, let her mother tour the country lecturing about how her prayers 'cured' Anne of homosexuality. So really we guess it could be anything.
On the other hand, though, Anne Heche claims that she couldn't be around Homer as much as she wanted because she had a job, and that all of Coley Laffoon's days were spent playing ping-pong and poker and wanking to internet porn. That turned out to be irrelevant, though, as the judge has awarded custody of Homer to his father, with Anne Heche being granted alternate weekend visitation rights.
Funny stuff, huh? Imagine how funny it would have been if either of these nutbags were actually famous.
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