If any of you happen to be offered a suspiciously cheap piece of Catholic property by a man with a funny accent, don’t hesitate to buy it.
Seriously, buy it. It’s definitely legit. The only funny-accented man to ever defraud strangers with dodgy property deals spuriously linked to the Catholic church – Anne Hathaway‘s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri – has just been thrown in jail for four and a half years.
This is wonderful news for two reasons. Not only is Raffaello Follieri being punished for his crimes, but we all know that nature hates a vacuum. All we need to do is buy a phony bishop outfit, adopt a ludicrous continental European accent and con some idiots out of millions of dollars and we’re almost completely certain that we’ll have Anne Hathaway licking the side of our face by Halloween.
If we were Anne Hathaway – which, honestly, is something we only dream about for like four or five hours a day – then we’d go hell for leather for the next four and a half years. We’d make as many films as possible, do as many talk shows as possible, go to all the parties and get romantically linked with as many British entertainment bloggers as possible, because this is her one shot at success without the shadow of her shady ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri looming behind her.
By pretending to be the Vatican’s chief financial officer and waving around a letter that he said the Pope wrote him, Raffaello Follieri was able to con all sorts of people out of millions of dollars in ill-advised property scams, and now he’s been punished for it.
And punished for it in the worst possible way – for the next four and a half years, Raffaello Follieri is going to be the man who looks most like Zach Braff in the entire US prison system, something which can only logically end up with a string of harrowing angry gang rapes. AP reports:
“I dishonored my family name and embarrassed the church I love. I’ll never be able to wash away that stain, and I will have to live with it the rest of my life,” Raffaello Follieri, 30, said through an Italian interpreter before he was sentenced. “I just hope someday those who have been hurt by my actions can forgive me.”
That’s odd. We assumed that the judge would take pity on Raffaello Follieri’s argument that he only defrauded all those investors so that Anne Hathaway would love him. After all, everybody knows that deep down they’d kick a puppy into a flooded quarry if it meant that Anne Hathaway would even look at them for a second, so defrauding a couple of religious property types hardly seems like that big a deal.
But at least now this means that Anne Hathaway is free of Raffaello Follieri, the man who was starting to become a bit of an albatross around her neck, forever. Even once he’s been released from jail, Follieri is going to be instantly deported back to Italy, so their paths will never have to ever cross ever again.
Well, until Anne Hathaway invariably decides to make Get Smart 4: Mamma Mia, Thassa One Spicy Meatball! in his hometown 2014, at least. We can only pray that the icecaps melt and kill us all long before then.
anonymous says
I’m glad you think “a string of harrowing angry gang rapes” is funny. Not most would find humor in that. You must be very proud.