Amy Winehouse has been arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice, either for being caught up in her husband's barman-attack thing or using her haircut to harbour known criminals – we just don't know.
Oh, alright, actually we do know. Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice yesterday after she was apparently implicated in all this business that's got her husband Blake Fielder-Civil currently banged up. After allegedly beating up a pub landlord to such an extent that he needed metal plates inserted into his face, Blake Fielder-Civil is then claimed to have offered him £200,000 to shut up and leave the country – and it's thought that Amy Winehouse was brought into it because, without her wealth, all Blake could offer the landlord was 26p, half a packet of Refreshers and tatty hat that looks like someone's been wiping their arse on it.
It's been an up and down year for Amy Winehouse, really. There's been a drug overdose, an aborted shot at rehab, cancelled tours, universally-derided performances, self-harm, ill-advised friendships with Pete Doherty, blood-soaked stumbles through London at midnight – and on top of that her husband has been remanded in custody for apparently kicking in a pub landlord and then offering money to make him shut up.
On the other hand, though, Victoria Beckham said that she quite likes some of the clothes that Amy Winehouse wears, so on the big scale of things it probably balances out.
Or at least it balanced out until yesterday, because that's when Amy Winehouse was arrested. And this wasn't a run-of-the-mill minor drug arrest, either – Amy Winehouse was arrested for perverting the course of justice, which could land her with a lengthy jail sentence if she's convicted.
As everyone knows, Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been banged up because – after he apparently beat up a pub landlord so viciously that metal plates were needed to put his face back together – he offered the landlord £200,000 to be quiet and flee the country.
Now, look at Blake Fielder-Civil. Look at him. Doesn't he look a bit, you know, homeless. A bit free school dinners. A bit like the only way he'd ever get £200,000 is if he spent a million years being a rent boy to blind, poverty-stricken businessmen. Amy Winehouse, on the other hand, has sold millions of records and is actually quite minted. So it's thought that Amy Winehouse was arrested because she's the logical source of Blake's alleged justice-perverting money.
So far, all the police will say is this:
"A 24-year-old woman has been arrested by appointment at an east London police station. The arrest is in connection with an investigation into perverting the course of justice."
Amy Winehouse's slave, though, is at pains to point out that Amy Winehouse volunteered herself to the police and that she hasn't been charged with anything yet. Indeed, police have previously stated that there is no evidence linking her to Blake's arrest, and that they just wanted to question her.
And anyway, a big celebrity like Amy Winehouse has nothing to fear from the police – who could stay mad at a crooked, witchy face like that? At the very least, we'd expect Amy Winehouse to reach some sort of plea deal where she'd plead guilty to perverting the course of justice, but would avoid jail by offering her services as an interrogator.
Seriously, after about six seconds of hearing her wail Me And Mr Jones right in our faces in the style of a concussed cat falling down a well, we'd admit to anything the police wanted.
Read more:
Winehouse arrested in link to husband's court case – Independent