Oh America. You’re a silly continent sized country. Someone can drink one bottle of spirits on a night out and suddenly, they’ve got a problem. Not surprising that there’s this attitude when the most popular beer is things like Bud Light, which to a European, is akin to water, seeing as Budweiser itself is about as intoxicating as sucking a warm ice cube.
And of course, with Christina Aguilera seemingly getting completely shit-faced for the first time ever (in the public eye at least), the whole country is gathering ’round her to see if she’d like a hug and a lift to rehab.
Naturally, The People Close To The Singer, such as her ex-husband Jordan ‘Do The’ Bratman, and now wringing their hands, furrowing their brows and sighing with faux-reluctance that alcohol has always been something of an issue with poor ol’ troubled Aguilera.
And so it transpires that Christina Aguilera has always had a ‘problem’ with demon drink, and will crushing inevitability, people are coming out to fret about the whole thing. And all because she got arrested, but not charged with ‘having a fun night out after drinking a couple of bottles of wine’.
Of course, her boyfriend Matt Rutler is a tit. He got hammered and then jumped in his car to drive home. When will celebrities learn that the only people who get off the hook with drink driving are vicars and priests?
Ex-husband Jordan Bratman, naturally, hasn’t ever wanted to talk about Xtina’s drinking problems before, because he was in the limelight while married to her. Now no-one really gives two hoots about him, he’s sidled up to Aguilera’s drunkenly slumped torso with his hands open saying “Hi. My name is Jordan Bratman. You may remember me as Christina’s husband from a while back. Now, what you see here is a drunk singer… I tried telling her, but she wouldn’t listen…”
That’s right! Bratman has kept a stoic silence until now. Now being the time when there might be a custody battle or some money to fleece from a divorce settlement.
Classy.
All the while, the rest of America stands patiently awaiting Christina’s inevitable talkshow appearance where she promises to get back on track and do a stint in rehab (America’s equivalent of the confession booth) and everyone can cheer and clap and underline the notion of betterment which many American citizens blindly sign up to without ever considering that it might all be one massive, overflowing crock of pig swill.
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Cookie Monster says
There is nothing funny about addiction (http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/amusing-random-photos-10.jpg). Unless it’s an addiction to sex, then it’s hilarious. I’m looking at you, Duchovny.
CatWhisperer says
You are so right about the use of rehab here! Like a month or 2 will fix anything, its all just for appearance sake. And why are these rich idiots driving around drunk? They can certainly afford a cab or a freakin driver!
Tim says
Christina Aguilera is only 30 years old but her horrendous binges made her look older than her age..
She needs somebody to wake up her senses, at least Britney Spears had her dad to save her.