For anyone who doesn’t already know – perhaps you’re too cool, too busy, or too strung out to really care – it’s the 419th Academy Awards this weekend.

Yeah, we’re pretty excited.

All the stars will be on the red carpet, with their dresses and their lovely suits, and once inside that swishy auditorium, it’ll be present-giving-out time. That’s our favourite bit.

Hence, in the spirit of whipping everyone up into a seal-clapping frenzy, we thought we’d make a few predictions.They will definitely do the bit about dead people

They love the bit about dead people at the Oscars – you know, where they play sad music then show you pictures of people you don’t know, until finally there’s one you do know. This year, that’ll probably be Patrick Swayze. With the moving music, and all of those images of cameramen, and sound guys, this segment will be spent crying very openly and hysterically.

A Scientologist won’t win

If Scientologists really want to be taken seriously, might we suggest that they enlist some slightly better actors? Not one is up for nomination this year. Not one. It’s a dark year for Scientology.

There will be an upset

Mickey Rourke was supposed to win last year. Then, a few years ago, Goodfellas was pipped by the Kevin Costner film about a man who likes to ignore the pretty ladies in revealing dresses lining the walls of the ballroom, and chooses instead to dance with sexy young wolves (we haven’t seen it). There is literally always an upset. This year, a hunch suggests that James Cameron – flying high on the back of that film about blue people being environmentally friendly in 3D – will receive the Oscar cock-punch by coming away with bugger all.

A lady will cry

The Oscars demand tears. Preferably womanly ones that start slowly, like a drip emerging from a student’s bathroom tap, but morph into something altogether more impressive, like rain spatting on the windscreen of a blue Vauxhall Astra. They won’t get those from beard-stroking pipe smokers like Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren. So expect the Oscar to go to Sandra Bullock, or the gargantuan one from Precious – in either actressing category.

Someone will do a hilarious song

This year Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin are on making-it-hilarious duty, so they will probably do a funny song. On the outside, it will look like harmless fun, but on the inside, the child they once were will be tearfully begging them to stop. It wasn’t meant to be like this. “Why are you doing a song?” he weeps, still wearing the fancy dress cowboy hat that made him want to act in the first place. “You’re not a singer!”

Elton John will have a party

He always does. Loves a party, that Elton John. Absolutely loves one.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. No, really, it was.

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Tagged as: Academy awards, Oscars, sandra bullock