Put away that morning suit and store away your hat.
Your invitation to Jordan?s wedding to Alex Reid is never going to arrive, because they've gone and got married in private in Las Vegas. Well, if ?in private? means having your airbrushed wedding photo smeared all over the front of Hello!
The publicity shy duo also invited a film crew along for the fun, and Katie Price?s PR gerbil was, unsurprisingly, one of the other few people in the audience? oops, sorry, congregation. The kids weren't there, but maybe that's a blessing ? poor Harvey?s been dealt a bad enough hand without having to see his mum squeeze herself into Barbie?s wedding dress for the umpteenth time.
With her penchant for famous men, marriages, break-ups and more marriages, juicy old Jordan is fast becoming the Elizabeth Taylor of Armageddon. Poor old Alex. He's got no idea what's coming to him. Three, maybe four, months of starring in whatever reality show his wifey?s lined up before he's jettisoned to the kerb like an unwanted kebab.
They say that Alex is a cross-dresser. The truth is that he's too stupid to work out what clothes are for a man and what clothes are for a lady, so he hedges his bets and wears both. Ah, but imagine the scintillating discussions that Al and the missus are set to have over the dinner table! Such a meeting of minds has not taken place since Aristotle and Sophocles debated ethics in ancient Greece.
Katie has said that her and her cagefighting hubbie ?will be together forever?. Erm, OK then. Let's pretend not to see the piggies taking off for full flight outside and hope that this marriage actually lasts. Because, apart from anything else, Katie?s break-ups have severe ramifications. For all of us.
Take Peter Andre. Please. But seriously. You might think that Peter has made a full recovery from Katie, but their breakup has had terrible consequences.
Pete?s done so well out of their split that he keeps getting to release albums. His latest CD is a compendium of love songs on which someone, somewhere, decided it would be a super idea to let Petey loose on a Stevie Wonder song. It's a shame old Stevie is blind and not deaf because that way he would never get to hear this complete abortion, unlike the rest of us, who are going to get subjected to it at some point.
This song never would have got made if Pete and Katie were still together. So please, Katie, stay with Alex for as long as you can, otherwise he might end up releasing an album of Marvin Gaye covers and we?ll all have to chop our ears off.
This was a guest blog by the fragrant Louise Scodie
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Si says
lol. that was a very funny article.
hoohaahee says
Talentless fucktards, subjecting humanity to their puerile tosh. Let’s put em all against the wall, have davina fucking mccall host it live, at the end of which we then set HER alight..a la’ joan of arc.