When hecklerspray’s eyes first met those of our sweet wife, it was as if she wasn’t in a crate at all. As the UPS truck pulled away it seemed to pull our deepest worries with it. After all – it was love we were feeling.
After we crow-barred out over 100 nails we realized Melva hadn’t really been gazing at us lovingly. She was actually in a medically induced coma for shipping purposes, and her eyes had just happened to roll back in the direction of her air holes.
Imagine our dismay. Also, imagine Alec Baldwin‘s dismay in a separate mail-order-bride incident.
When Alec Baldwin’s marriage to Mario Van Peebles (if our theory about Kim Basinger owning a very realistic man-suit proves true) fell apart so horribly, he probably realised it was because she hadn’t been Fed-Exed anywhere in her entire life. Well, fool him once, shame on him – if you know what we mean.
What we mean is that the next time he gets married, it may be to someone he bought in a cheaply made magazine. He said that as a joke, actually – on Letterman. His facetious manner apparently didn’t translate well into Filipino. We know this because, according to the Huffington Post:
“Philippine Sen. Ramon Revilla said Monday that Baldwin’s comment was “insensitive and uncalled for” and an insult to millions of Filipinos. He called the actor “arrogant” and said he is apparently unaware that the Philippines has a law against mail-order brides. “Let him try to come here in the Philippines and he’ll see mayhem,” Revilla said, using a local idiom that implies the speaker will personally administer a beating.”
That sounds terrifying. The last thing we’d want is some tiny Filipino action star coming at us with rage in his eyes. That’s why we had to return Melva. That’s why we had to return most of Melva.
Ahem.
Baldwin may be scared out of his mind too. Scared enough to issue an apology like this one:
“I’d like to offer an apology and a clarification to remarks I made recently. While on the David Letterman program, I joked that I might need a “mail-order bride” to achieve the goal of having more children in my life. I believe that most people understood that this was a joke and took it as such. However, I do apologize to anyone who took offense. The comments of some Philippine government officials come as no surprise to me, either. Even the one by a former action film star-turned-Senator who beckoned me to come to the Philippines so he could “beat” me over my comment.”
Oh Baldwin – when will you learn that the Philippines haven’t mail-ordered brides in years? They do it on MySpace now. This is nice because you can Google translate with the girls a little before settling on one specific catalogue number or the other.
One can’t be too hasty when it comes to matters of the heart. Unless there’s some sort of a half-off special.
Those things you just gotta jump on.
myohmy says
Oh, Alec. You rude, thoughtless pig.