If you want to be the best, and you want to beat the rest, dedication’s what you need. Thanks for sticking with us through the trumpet solo. In order to break as many records as Adele has, you need to be dedicated to your craft and willing to make sacrifices in the pursuit of success, records and warbling on about how bloody cockerknee she is.
One thing she is more than willing to sacrifice is her own appearance.
Which is lucky because she looks like a cross between Christina Hendricks and the forest moon of Endor thrown into a slow cooker with all the make-up ever manufactured by human hands.
Readers may think this an unfair description; as it is oft’ pointed out, we’re no oil paintings ourselves but at least we resemble the works of Picasso and not Jackson Pollock.
“My life is full of drama and I won’t have time to worry about something as petty as what I look like.”
“I don’t like going to the gym. I like eating fine foods and drinking nice wine. Even if I had a really good figure, I don’t think I’d get my t*ts and ass out for no-one.”
The depths of human sorrow are truly being plumbed here as Adele doesn’t like the treadmill. That’s fair enough. No-one does. We’d all rather be drinking nice wine and eating fine foods. It’s not something we’ve had a lot of experience of in the hecklerspray bedsit as we’re more likely to be found sitting in front of knackered typewriters while tyrannical editor Mof Gimmers flicks bits of Chicken & Mushroom Pot Noodle at us, shouting that we won’t eat until we write something nasty about Paul Gascoigne.
We digress. Of course, Adele isn’t going to buck the trend of fatuous celebrities claiming that everyone should be a stick figure with all the personality of Ke$ha’s cum-face.
“I love seeing Katy Perry’s boobs and bum. Love it. But that’s not what my music is about. I don’t make music for eyes. I make music for ears.”
You hear that kids? Just because Adele can afford to swan around swigging wine and wolfing down cheeses like a corpulent, Victorian gentleman doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be trying to look like a child’s drawing of a tape worm. Katy Perry’s the pinnacle of human evolution, that’s why she’s married to a shaving brush with a strap-on. Be like her. She’s curvy. But not too curvy.
Get down the gym, ya fat twat.
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mithaearon says
God she makes dull music and even the things she does to make news stories are dull.