In their quest to continue to make me feel old as hell, the Baby Spice of the Backstreet Boys got married this weekend.? Nick Carter became legally bound to some “fitness expert/actress” (Funny, I don’t see that option on my tax forms) on Saturday, and in true stunt fashion, they had it paid for in return for filming.
But the real side eye comes from the fact that Nick’s worse for wear in the face younger brother Aaron, aka MR HILARY DUFF 4 LYFE, was missing from the nuptials.? It seems someone actually wanted to pay Aaron to perform, and this wasn’t at a Betty Ford clinic.
I didn’t even realize all the other members of the Backstreet Boys were already married, but I blame that on my deep need to pretend I am not pushing 30 and that all of my favorite 90s things are not gone or wrinkly.? Nick Carter was the lone hold out, possibly because he was too scarred from dating Paris Hilton to ever imagine committing forever to another vagina, or possibly because he was still hoping to becoming the second coming of Nick and Jess by hooking up with someone like Christina Aguilera or Mandy Moore.? Either way, he decided he liked Lauren Kitt enough to put a ring on it. Well, at least enough to let someone else pay him to put a ring on it.? Yup, there were cameras there filming the very private ceremony for a reality show.? Klassy.
Now I don’t know what the hell is going on, but not all of the fellow BSB members were in attendance.? Grandpa Kevin was not there, which could be because he was due for his annual prostate exam, but I call bullshit.? BSB for ever.? I know Kevin has taken a few breaks before when his pride couldn’t handle having grey pubic hair and being in a band with the word “boys” in it, but this is a total separate thing.
Even more shocking than Kevin’s non appearance was that of Aaron Carter’s.?? While lately Aaron has been more famous for his inability to let go of his Jr High soulmate Hilary Duff, someone else remembered that Aaron used to be a “singer” just like Nick and hired him to perform.? So instead of spending the weekend drinking Budlights, getting all amped up on Red Bulls,? and drunkily telling Nick that he is ruining his life the way all good younger dumber brothers do, he decided to cut it close by performing at the Cherry Blossom festival in Washington D.C. until a few hours before the reception.?? He was planning on taking a flight and getting to the wedding just in the?Nick of time (ba dum chi) but of course there was mechanical failure.
I know what you’re thinking.? “Mechanical failure” is just code for “meth binge” and?the littlest boy Carter?could have really?given no shits about making it to Nick’s big day.?But according to Aaron’s poorly paid rep, we’re just being silly.
?Aaron signed a contract to appear at the Cherry Blossom parade in D.C. before Nick?s wedding date was announced,
. [We] realized there was a problem and figured out he could perform and get him to Santa Barbara so he would be there for the last two hours of the reception. Tickets were purchased and the plan was in place. It was a major operation to get him there in time. Aaron didn?t blow anything off and would have been there ? it?s a real bummer for him. He feels bad he missed the wedding.?
I don’t know.? Do siblings really not discuss things like this?? When Nick said they picked a date that ended up being no good for Aaron, could they realllllly not move it one more weekend to make sure Aaron could attend?? Or did they just not bother to consider his work obligations because honestly, who the fuck thought Aaron Carter still had work obligations?? I sure didn’t.?? I figured most of his time was spent cutting out pictures of Duff and himself from old ass Teen Bop magazines he won off eBay and making beautiful collages while belting out “LET THE RAIN FALL DOWN!” between dry heaves and?tear drops.