It seems like every once in a while a celeb will have their phone stolen, computer hacked, or questionable pictures leaked, setting up for the complete obliteration of said celebrity. What always follows is an internet frenzy as the message board trolls rifle through the dirty laundry of a newly fallen star, creating memes and parody twitter accounts from the safety of their parents’ basement.
But what if there were a star that was so open with all of his indiscretions that there would be literally nothing shocking about finding out any of those things? What if I were to tell you that I could pretty much layout Chris Brown’s day-to-day activities and that I could almost guarantee there would be nothing that would surprise or shock you.
That, my friends, is the beauty of rendering yourself essentially libel proof… or as he likes to think of it, a total boss.
Kickin it a full rotation with Team Breezy
9:00– Wake up. Thank the Lord He blessed his humble servant with another day, and that he blessed me with being me. Fresh iz a way of life!!!!
9:01– Roll over. Check if Karrueche or Ri is next to me before requesting anything by name.
9:02– Carpe diem… either of dem. Just carpe dis dick already.
9:47– Ignore 3 missed calls from publicist. Breezy don’t need a bitch to speak for him.
9:50– Take a piss. Aim for Miranda Lambert pic in toilet bowl. She’d probably like it. Bitches luv dis dick.
9:53– Stare at self in mirror. Don’t break eye contact.
10:37—Break eye contact.
10:38—Flex. Maybe slang the dick a little.
10:42– Inspect how facial hair is coming in.
10:43– Assessment: solid as fuck.
10:45—Dick slanging celly. Yeayah!!!!
10:46– Fuck, I look good. Take selfie and instagram that shit. Brennan alllll daayyyyyy
11:01– Google name. See if people are still mad about beating Ri unconscious.
11:03– Fuck ‘em.
11:04– Check twitter. See new charity case tweet from my account. Looks like my community service done for the day.
11:06– Text publicist to see if I can have back the access to my Twitter soon. I need it in time for the Grammys. Them haters NEED to KNOW
11:08– YouJizz the KimK-Ray J video.
11:10– Text Kanye the time code of when I came.
11:12– Loofah the dick.
11:20– Text Sommer to meet at studio in a half hour. Plan on showing up late. Request no reply. DELETE MESSAGE. Hide phone.
11:30– Brunch: I’m eating soup. Fuck, Tyler.
12:00– Head to studio. Pop in Rosetta Stone on way to brush up on French. There’s good ass there #ÉquipeBreezy
12:50– Lay a track.
1:25– Lay the pipe.
2:10– Threaten Casually convince Sommer not to talk. Busted ass bitches always talk.
2:35– Hair appointment. REMEMBER to bring in Amber Rose pic to show stylist.
2:37– Text publicist requesting access to twitter again.
3:00– Shit, this bleaching takes forever. Light up. Check email.
3:05– Ok new sweat ensemble for Black Pyramid line. #fresh2death
3:07– Think of new ways to get the public to hate me. If you got haters, you KNOW you doing somthin right.
3:08– Laugh about the time I wore a terrorist costume. Fuck I’m awesome.
3:30– Hair did. Need to show my fans some love with pics of me #freshcut #nofilter #nomakeup #givingback
3:35– Leave salon, head to mall. Blast own music with the windows down so everyone can get down. I pay it forward like Jesus.
4:03– Go to Claire’s. Contemplate eyebrow piercing.
4:04—Fuck that. I’ve already proved I’m a badass. Ask Ri.
4:07—Grab Panda Express.
4:24—“You can’t go down the right path without first discovering the path to go down.” What the fuck does that mean, you dumb cookie fuck? When I need tips on how to demolish my career, I’ll call ya!
4:26– Grab a sweet choke collar for Ri. She loves to know who’s boss
4:43– Pick up some fresh new gear. Camo on camo #swagtuxedo
5:15– Shit, nothing puts me in the mood like a trip to Neimans. Gotta get home to Ri.
5:18– On the way out, quickly swing by MAC cosmetics for new neck tattoo inspiration.
5:59– Ri’s not home. Deuces.
6:00– Text Karrueche.
6:21– Show up at Karrueche’s. Oh, we’ll be doin work, alllllllright.
7:35– Instagram pic with Karrueche. Chicks love for you to mess with their minds
7:41– Bounce. Hit up Ri
7:42 — Purell dick in the lamborghini murrrrrci #sofreshandsoclean
7:50 — Consider new high profile place to take out Ri. Lakers suck.
8:03—Text publicist for access to twitter account. Fuck already.
8:06– Shit. Ri’s subliminally tweeting ish again. It’s a club night. #bitchesbecrazy
8:10—Stop at 7/11 for a Slurpee. Let’s get this night started right
8:30—Link up wit da crew
1:56—Blackout dick slanging #ClubMoves
4:00– Bottle slapped in a club by #teamdrizzy Turns out haters can do more than hate #bitchesbebitches
4:01—Check phone. See text from publicist with access to my twitter account. ‘Bout time, bitch.
4:02—Tweets this pic of my battle scars. That way everyone knows not to fux with me. I’m Breezy.
4:05—Ok, I’m done. God Bless Ya.