Time for us to recap X Factor – the show so preposterous that it makes 2012 look like a low-budget Scandinavian arthouse film about lesbians.
As you probably saw last night Miss Frank became the latest contestant to leave X Factor. And it was a shock – specifically because the British public had the chance to forget about Danyl Johnson forever, and they blew it. Idiots.
Anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Big Band night, which is historically the least unbearable show of the series. So let’s have a little recap, shall we?
Olly Murs – We’ve cracked it. For weeks we’ve ben trying to work out who Olly Murs looks like, and we’ve finally cracked it. Imagine if Dermot O’Leary had a child with a woman who’s got the world’s most gigantic face. Olly Murs would look like that child. Anyway, on Saturday’s X Factor, Olly inexplicably decided to perform the theme-tune to Bewitched. A confusing choice, yes, but if it means that next week he gets to sing Blankety Blank or Button Moon, we’re OK with it. But was Olly’s X Factor performance any good? Well, he came off a bit like a shitfaced Will Young. Not a compliment.
Lloyd Daniels – X Factor‘s Big Band night posed a very obvious problem for Lloyd. You see, his voice is so weedy and underdeveloped that he’d quite easily be drowned out if a mouse farted onto a glockenspiel, so he didn’t have a chance in front of all those trumpets. So Lloyd’s X Factor performance of Fly Me To The Moon was to more of a Conspicuously Small Band arrangement, and it was exactly as boring as you’d expect. It’s like there’s a rule stating that everything Lloyd ever does has to get boring halfway through. His songs, his sentences – even his backflip was tedious. The boy is aural balsa wood. But he does have nice hair, so that’s something.
Miss Frank – In an effort to make us remember why we liked them to begin with, Miss Frank took Saturday’s X Factor as an opportunity to sing That’s Life from bootcamp again. And it should have been brilliant, but it wasn’t. Here’s why: 1) Miss Frank’s rough edges had been worn away with every performance, and people only liked them for their rough edges, 2) one of the girls sang through the corner of her mouth and it made her look a bit weird, 3) we realised that Graziella is a terrible rapper – less Ghostface Killah and more 2006 UK Eurovision contestant Daz Sampson. And now they’re out. Never mind.
Rachel Adedeji – On Saturday’s X Factor, Rachel performed a slightly watered-down version of Proud Mary. However, Rachel’s post-song interview is what’ll be remembered. Rachel bounced up and down and shrieked and squealed and generally came off like a hysterical woman who’d just won the lottery on the day that her entire family had been wiped out in a plane crash. Why did she do it? Is it because she’d finally been given a song that allowed her to properly express herself? Or was it because someone had told her that the public thinks she’s miserable, and she’d overcompensated in the worst possible way? Whatever the reason, we feel safe in declaring this: Rachel Adedeji would make a terrible girlfriend. As for the song itself, it sounded more like something you’d find on American Idol. Not a compliment.
Jamie Archer – For X Factor‘s Big Band night, Jamie Archer decided to sing that old Dean Martin classic Angel Of Harlem. Only joking, it was a U2 song. And U2 are clearly not big band. Bono‘s not even a particularly big human being. On this basis we can’t wait for Abba night, because then Jamie will be able to sing Run To The Hills by Iron Maiden or something. Why did Jamie sing Angel Of Harlem? It’s because his original song choice made him sound like lamb being slaughtered by an accordion, apparently. But, hey, at least he looked like he was enjoying himself. Actually, while we’re on the subject, why does Jamie insist on ending each song by leaping around and whooping? You haven’t cured cancer, you hairy twat. You sang a mediocre U2 song. Christ, Jamie Archer is annoying.
Stacey Solomon – Last week we worried that Stacey Solomon was succumbing to Leona Lewis Syndrome, and this week we’re certain of it. Stacey’s X Factor performances are just like Leona’s X Factor performances, in that the first two thirds are always inaudible and then she yells the last bit as loudly as she possibly can. This is exactly what she did during When You Wish Upon A Star on Saturday, and it might get boring if she keeps doing it. Still, at least Stacey moved around beautifully. Well, maybe not beautifully. She moved around like Jessica Rabbit would if she was riddled with an infestation of intestinal parasites. But that’s close enough, right?
Danyl Johnson – What’s that Danyl Johnson? You’re going to perform Feeling Good on Saturday’s X Factor? Really? What performance style are you going to choose for it? Oh, you’re just going to shout it as obnoxiously as you can? Again? Oh, OK.
Joe McElderry – So we know that Joe McElderry can do grinning insincerity quite well, but for his performance of Sway on Saturday’s X Factor he needed to do sexy. And did he? Well, no. He attempted sexy at a couple of points, but mainly came off as a man itching to pour a sachet of Rohypnol into your drink. For the rest of the song Joe just fell back on his old puppydog shtick, and that’s not very sexy either. You wouldn’t shag a puppydog, would you? Would you? You would? You disgusting bastards.
Lucie Jones – We’ll be the first to admit that we were appalled by Lucie Jones’ performance of My Funny Valentine on Saturday’s X Factor. Restraint? On X Factor? Lucie you idiot, don’t you understand how X Factor works? You’re supposed to bellow a rubbishy power ballad as loudly as you possibly can in front of enough explosions to bankrupt most medium-sized nations, not effortlessly whisper an intimate and charming rendition of a 72-year-old jazz standard, you moron! Still, at least you looked like you didn’t understand any of the song’s words or sentiments, so that’s something. But we’re watching you, Lucie. You’re on thin ice.
John & Edward – First, we need to accept that nothing John & Edward will ever do can top last week’s Oops… I Did It Again. Entire civilisations have crumbled trying to replicate a similar level of sublime majesty, so let’s put that behind us and concentrate on John & Edward’s X Factor performance of She Bangs instead. It tried hard to live up to expectations – there were fireworks, there were seizure-inducing visuals, there were two 25-foot inflatables with John and Edward’s faces sellotaped to them, there was an entire verse where John & Edward sang on their hands and knees while some dancers rubbed their genitals up and down their spines – but it fell short. Why? Because there was no spoken-word interlude, that’s why. John & Edward should only perform songs with spoken-word interludes. John & Edward, if you’re reading, we want you to get back on track this Saturday by performing On Bended Knee by Boyz II Men. The full six-minute video version. The argument in the car at the start. The spoken word “Baby, please come back home girl” bit three and a half minutes in. The kiss at the end. You can do it, John & Edward! YOU CAN DO IT!
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Survation says
Love the review! Especially the Lucie and Danyl comments..
Idiot says
Who are you? Lucie was incredible! They all were (minus John and Edward, they shamed themselves and the song) You’re clearly a John + edward fan but open your eyes, they are awful and Miss Frank did not deserve to go out so those twats could stay in.
Everything you’ve written on here is a great big wad of rubbish and your critisizing the wrong people. You have no taste in music do you? I was emmbarrassed just to watch their performance, pick holes in your own life rather than spectacular performances of the X-Factor contestants (minus John + Edward, who quite rightly, have no sense of talent)
angi says
All I know is Louie Walsh is an idiot he accused Jamie Archer of not singing a big bad song. And his 2 idiots (John & Edward) sang she bangs by Ricky Martin at least U2 are a band. When has Ricky Martin ever been a big band??????? Am I missing something here?????
Bronzed Demi-God says
‘Idiot’ displays an admirable level of self awareness in their choice of screen name. If only there were more around like us.
Bee says
Miss Frank were brill! I actaully thought their survival performance was relaly good; great cover i thought – can;lt beleive they have gone!! Any of the others but not Miss Frank!! Agree about Lucie – shes very talented but…does nothing for me: DULL. oh and Jamie: Overated.