The Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is all over, with Paul McCartney £24.3 million poorer and Heather Mill's £24.3 million more obnoxiously smug.
The judge in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce this afternoon revealed his judgement, and Heather Mills immediately ran to the nearest group of microphones to explain exactly how she felt.
We've got video of Heather Mills' speech after the jump, but rest assured she's as contradictory, self-congratulatory, bitter and confusing as you'd expect her to be. True, Heather Mills didn't start screeching the word 'Paedophile!' over and over in the voice of an angry mouse – the first time she hasn't done this in front of a camera for about 18 months – but it was a decent performance nonetheless.
As we all knew, today was the day where the judge in the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce made his final ruling. Although speculation had previously pegged Heather Mills as receiving £117 million, the final figure was a still pretty huge £24.3 million. And here's what Heather Mills had to say about it…
OK, firstly – well done on getting the "charity has been my life for 20 years" line in, even though "charity, titty-modelling and marrying old millionaires," is closer to the truth. Secondly – something smells fishy here.
Given that Heather Mills' accusations of assault apparently had Paul McCartney demanding all kinds of divorce settlement confidentiality agreements, you'd think that he'd be against the judge releasing his judgement into the public. But the opposite is apparently true – Paul McCartney is reported to be desperate for the world to hear the judgement.
And then there's Heather Mills, who has hardly made a secret of her desire to write a tell-all book and give lots of lucrative interviews about the break-up of her marriage, and she's now appealing against the release of the judgement because she's ostensibly worried about the safety of her daughter.
Now, Heather's speech made out like her decision to represent herself in the divorce court was such a blow to the pillars of justice that the judgement would be written in a way to make Paul McCartney look like the winner. So, adding all of this up, does anyone else think the judgement is basically the phrase 'Heather Mills is batshit insane' repeated 100 times in a row? Just us? OK.
But anyway, at least the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is all done and dusted now. Paul McCartney can go back to being the disturbing swordsman that he's slowly turned into and Heather Mills can emigrate to a country where everyone doesn't hate her. Maybe Paul and Heather can put their bitterness behind them and become friends again. People reports:
A provision for daughter Beatrice consisting of periodical $70,000 payments was included, and McCartney has agreed to pay for her nanny and school fees. Of the provision, Mills said, "Beatrice only gets $70,000 a year so she is obviously meant to travel B class while her father travels A class. But obviously I will pay for that."
Alright, so maybe not 'friends' exactly…
Read more:
Heather Mills 'So Happy' with $50M Divorce Settlement – People
jim says
Talk about a Tug of War! Marriage and a kid and then, She’s Leaving Home! Our Paul will certainly be Fixing a Hole in his bank account after she Carries her Weight of cash. Didn’t he Treat Her Gently? Well, to be fair, Only Mama Knows. All we know is that he never went through this with Momma Miss America. Perhaps there were Too Many People ‘milling’ about, or possibly, just too many Distractions? Or, couldn’t she bear Another Day of life in the shadow of our hero? Was the Band on the Run too often for her? Will Macca have to Eat at Home or sleep in the Back Seat of his Car Every Night just to make his alimony payments? The answer is very much At the Mercy of the high court, where all parties will certainly have to Listen to What the Man Said.
On the bright side, Sgt. Pepper will soon win back his Freedom and I’ve Got a Feeling things will be Getting Better. He may even find a Girlfriend, another Golden Earth Girl perhaps. Better still, he might find an Average Person, who can ensure him No More Lonely Nights, no more Daytime Nighttime Suffering. One thing’s for sure: he’ll have to go slowly with the next Long Haired Lady. Or, will Macca say ‘I’ve had Enough’, admit his need for Wanderlust, get Cosmically Conscious and spiral aimlessly down the Long and Winding Roads of London Town Hi Hi Hi on Junk mumbling Oh Woman Oh Why Again and Again and Again? Will there be any Hope of Deliverance for our hero if that ever happens? That Would Be Something, but I Can’t Imagine!
Whatever happens, it’s been a Rough Ride. Though, with A Little Help From his Friends and fans, and with the firm belief that in The End, it’s all one big Magical Mystery Tour, there will still be many more Great Days and Beautiful Nights to come! And, With a Little Luck, he can Get Back to doing what he does best, Letting Go with Love in Song, sending us all to Venus and Mars in his Rock Shows supreme.
With All My Loving, I hope things will be Coming Up for Sir Paul and all involved in the days and nights to come.
Rob Delaney says
“So, adding all of this up, does anyone else think the judgement is basically the phrase ‘Heather Mills is batshit insane’ repeated 100 times in a row?”
Tut tut. You’ve clearly never read a full law report.
They have a Summary at the beginning, followed by the judgment. In this case, the “batshit insane” 100 times in a row should be just about the right length for the summary.
The full judgment will, of course, say the same thing 1,000,000,000 times. In bold capitals. Flashing red, in the electronic version.
Curly says
Here’s my typically British view of the story.
Rob Delaney says
The full judgment is now out
http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-files/Guardian/documents/2008/03/18/mccartneydivorcejudgement.pdf
Believe me, that’s pretty scathing.
tam says
Their daughter will have to travel B class. I don’t have an interest in Heather Mills or Paul McCartney (he could have let it be or smoked the pipes of peace) BUT the reference to a class of travel, whether example or hideous concept for her . . . speaks volumes doesn’t it. At the end of the day, she still has 1 leg. Her daughter already has to deal with that