Angelina Jolie has a bit of a reputation. Her vagina, they say, is much like a waterslide on a hot day.
Actors just can’t resist. Billy Bob Thornton couldn’t resist, even though he was engaged to Laura Dern when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Sling Blade. And Brad Pitt couldn’t resist, even though he was married to Jennifer Aniston when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Mr & Mrs Smith. And now Angelina Jolie is about to make a film with Johnny Depp. And Johnny Depp’s girlfriend, it’s fair to say, is absolutely bricking herself.
So much so that she’s reportedly ordered Johnny Depp to leave the film. We can’t help feeling that she’s worrying about nothing, though. Angelina Jolie is a changed woman these days – she won’t have sex with Johnny Depp. She might adopt him, but she won’t have sex with him.
The Tourist – the upcoming Angelina Jolie/ Johnny Depp double-header – seems woefully miscast to us. It’s a thriller about an Interpol agent who sleeps with a tourist to flush out the criminal she’s in pursuit of. And it stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. It just doesn’t make any sense. It’s not a thriller about an Interpol agent who has either a) witnessed a real-life atrocity so moving that she’ll be nominated for an Oscar or b) enjoys strolling around in front of slow-motion explosions wearing nothing but a skintight catsuit, and it’s not about a funny-voiced tourist in a madcap wig.
So both Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp seem massively unsuited to The Tourist. But that’s not why Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of starring in it. No, Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of it because his girlfriend Vanessa Paradis is worried that he’ll get sucked into Angelina Jolie’s vagina and never be seen again. The New York Post reports:
Paradis “found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie,” a source close to the project said. “He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with [Jolie’s partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.”
They’re both more sensible choices of co-star. If Brad Pitt was to film a love scene with Angelina Jolie, the film would undoubtedly become a hit as audiences either tried to dissect the scene to uncover hints of romantic discord or just basically masturbated until their laps ended up looking like a giant Quality Street Strawberry Cream that’d been bludgeoned with a rolling pin. And if Leonardo DiCaprio was to star, then nobody would have to worry about Angelina Jolie sleeping with him. Because, you know, he looks a bit like a great big vole, doesn’t he?
That said, part of us does hope that Johnny Depp fails in his attempt to leave The Tourist. Not because he’ll inevitably end up getting seduced by Angelina Jolie, leading to the highest-profile celebrity break-up of all time, but mainly because we just want to see what sort of silly cartoonish voice he’ll end up giving his character. We heard he’s aiming for a sort of French aardvark with a lisp, mixed with a sort of Esperanto Liberace. Sounds good.
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Vilchjo de Mesao Arizono says
As an Esperanto speaker I have no idea what an “Esperanto Liberace” is.
Can/will you tell me, please?
Vilchjo de Mesao Arizono, Usono.
peacemaker says
What a joke!, You live in a different world of fantasy Angelina and Mr. Depp are more professional than what other think, low class critics. what story you read,always change in scripts. No need to fallow every details in the book. They can use doubles, and make imaginable scenes, that’s the art of movie making. They can figure that out. Cut or skip some scenario, main focus is a good story. Beside,all his leading men, have respect for Angelina Jolie. Don’t blame her, Blame them,if they fall in love with this beautiful woman. She have a great wonderful man in her life which is Brad. A Doting father to their kids, good provider and very loving partner. both are millionaires, happy, and in love. No need to worry,be secured with your life. insecurity comes from the devils. positive thinkers comes from God wisdom. We need this things in life.
tedious says
Bloody Hell AJ made off with 2 of her co stars…..One of them when she was what 22 (just a kid really), and she has a what (?) vagina…LOL… get a grip…I too can’t wait for the tabloid wet dream thats about to explode lol. Gotta feel a little sorry for the DP family…this is probably the real reason why Vanessa wants Johnny out. The pap’s are already storming her gates, the tabloids are already making up bullshiite….her looks are already being vilified…..their kids will be hounded for potographs…. she will be turned into a victim….her relationship will be offered up for criticism…. baby it’ll only get worse….!
Caz. says
Peacemaker, it’s you who’s living in a world of fantasy.
Angelina Jolieis one of the biggest sluts on earth.
Once a slut, always a slut.
Mind you Vanessa Paradis isn’t any better, she too is a slut.
It’s time Johnny found himself a decent woman, (shame Helena Bonham-Carter is married to Tim Burton,) Johnny & Helena would be the perfect couple.
Honest Opinion says
Caz, Helena Bonham Carter, are you kidding me?! She’s the ugliest actress in show business, and not even close to being as acredited as Johnny, there’s no way she’s a good enough match for him! And secondly, where do you get off saying Vanessa Paradis is a slut? It’s not like she ‘s ever been in tabloids because of sleeping around and her and Johnny have been solid for ten years. I think they compliment eachother and make a good couple, and as for the speculation that he’s going to fall for Angelina, I doubt that she’s stupid enough to make moves on him considering all the criticism she’s had to take because of the Brad and Jennifer split or whether Jonny’s dumb enough to give in. I mean, I’m sure he’s well aware of her reputation by now. Like Peacemaker said, I think they will both maintain their professionality.
lindsay says
@caz, if being a slut means that your so sexy and seductive and desirable that no married man can resist you, then i guess angie is a slut!
Carrie says
Ok, look…regarding the statement that Vanessa Paradis is supposedly a slut, let me just say this…I saw Vanessa on an interview a few years ago where some chauvenist pig interviewer wanted to know if she would pose nude in Playboy and she made it clear that she would not. Also, during the same interview, the interviewer brought up two guys from the audience onstage and then started trying to get Vanessa to comment on whether English guys were sexy and hot or not and she appeared really uncomfortable. And, based upon Angelina’s track record of being a homewrecker, and her very obviously inappropriate kiss with her brother at the awards, and her strange and eccentric take on life, I think it stands to good reason that Vanessa would have justifiable cause to be uncomfortable with her man working with Angelina. I will say this, I can’t imagine Johnny Dep truly being into Angelina though – they seem like a round hole (Angelina) and a square peg (Johnny) – hahahaha. And, I feel like Johnny Dep is deeper and has more integrity than to be seduced by a temptress hobag like Ang.
Carrie says
But, what the hell…maybe Vanessa should take some of the millions Johnny made from the Pirates and get 1) her teeth bonded 2) botox and whatever else to polish up the old silver so it will shine again 3) at least a mini boob job so she has some boobs 4) stop cutting her hair short and condition it to get rid of that fuzzy look that she sometimes has 5) stop letting the Paparazzi catch her dressed ugly and without makeup – basically, what I’m saying is for her to do some damage control. Gee, if you consider in our society we repaint/remodel our homes, paint our vehicles, even take our pets to the groomers…what the hell is wrong with remodeling ourselves a little – do a little body work if we get some dents and paint starts to peel – just good maintenance! And, Vanessa can afford it! Do it for the Johnster! And, Brad Pitt needs to shave that shit off his face and get rid of the fugly hats – keep what youth and looks he has left for a while because there is plenty of time in the future for him to look old and raggedy when he gets old.
Carrie says
@ Lindsay – regarding your statement, “if being a slut means that your so sexy and seductive and desirable that no married man can resist you, then i guess angie is a slut!” – I strongly recommend that you brush up on reading the dictionary once in a while, and you might learn something. As a reference, here’s one of the most common definitions of “slut”: “sexually promiscuous, slovenly, dirty, untidy, i.e. considered a derogatory term used most often as an insult to a woman”. So, maybe Angelina is a “slut” – according to the dictionary’s definition (not your definition) – the term seems to fit Angelina fantastically.
Shannon says
Johnny Depp is happily linked to Vanessa Paradis and has two children with her. They’ve been together for 11 years and seem like a good couple. He’s not the type like Brad or Billy Bob that would drop all of that and go to some “sexy” actress.
Seriously, stop blaming Angelina Jolie. No one actually knows her, therefore has no place to judge who she is. If you are looking for someone to blame, blame the men. They didn’t have to be with her, they chose to.
And to all of you who are now dissing Vanessa Paradis, please, get a life. She is not a slut, and I have no idea where that comment came from. Sometimes she might not dress as nice as she could, but that’s her business, isn’t it? Whoever said she should get botox and a boob job, that’s just rediculous. Has it ever occured to you that maybe she isn’t some self-concious bitch that only cares about what people think about her?
Johnny Depp is a professional actor and will be mature about the situation.
King's Wife says
You all have it wrong. Johnny worries if Angie would be hitting on Vanessa. Everybody knows The Big Vag is bisexual and is enthralled with all things French. And VP is very French. Something to think about, oui?
Caf says
Action! For Caf
vale says
did you fucking kidding me? yes angelina is a slut but vanessa a slut? i think you are, perhabs she is a slut with Johnny hahaha in this case you got all the reason she is a slut for have sex with him haha xd yours is pure envy, and helena bonham carter? are you sicksirious? she’s with tim burton his best friend and are just a closer friendto johnny nothing else and she isnt so pretty for him, not like vanessa she is absolutelly beautiful ^^
Nodzkie says
I agree with Shannon !! Johnny and Vanessa have been together for 13 years and nothing has come inbetween them ( until now ) Yes AJ does have a reputation for stealing the men but Vanessa needs to have abit of faith in her husband, he is one of the worlds best actors and the women love him ( including myself ) if he was going to stray, he would of done it years ago. He loves his family more than his work. His kids mean the world to him.
And on the other note, who are you people to call names. Vanessa Paradis is no slut !!
LR says
Both Vannessa and Angie are French and in French culture, it’s perfectly fine for women to be caught in sex scandals and not be called sluts at all. Perhaps Vanessa’s been unfaithful to all of her men before J. Depp, like most French femmes would.
Anna says
errr… Honest Opinion…. WHAT?!!!!! Helena…. ugly?!!!! seriously!!!!!! Helena is not nice looking, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous or sexy… you know why???? because that’s not enough to describe her. You want to know why? Because Helena Bonham Carter is perfect!!!!!! Your argument is invalid!!! End of!!!! Love you Helena!!!!!<3