Festivals are brilliant. Standing in fields, listening to music out of ropey speakers, complaining about being covered in mud and spending ?10 on organic hemp burgers. Perfect.
What you want for your money is a magical experience where you get to enjoy bands you like, discover weird stuff like Brazilians who compose songs off radiators and occasionally get off your face on booze. Glastonbury 2010 should theoretically be one of the best festivals of all time. Why? Because it's the 40th anniversary of the festival. Shame it's going to be ruined by U2.
Well we say, U2. We mean Bono.
In the olden days, before people had mobile phones, U2 actually made music. Actually, to be fair they still do this. But back in times where the world was in black and white, they were considered to be good. The success of the band subsequently created an egotistical monster in the form of Bono. Sometimes the self-obsessed twat can't get through doors as his own opinion inflates him that much. And now they’re playing Glastonbury.
When U2 hit the pyramid stage at Glastonbury, we can guarantee a few things. Firstly, nobody under the age of 30 will be there to see them. Nobody young trendy will want to be seen anywhere near them. U2 make music for dads to blast out of their cars while onlookers point and snigger. They?ll either be left performing to bemused security staff or farm animals that have been drafted in to make up the numbers.
But wait – this could actually be a warped blessing in disguise. Remember that Bono personally knows half the world's population. Every time there’s a crisis or photo opportunity, you\’ll see the Irishman there. He knows which world leaders, clergymen and other musicians to be seen with. Perhaps he's cooking up something special gor Glastonbury. Festival founder Michael Eavis backs our wild theory up by telling The Guardian:
“The 26-year-old rumour has finally come true. At last, the biggest band in the world are going to play the best festival in the world,” he said. “Nothing could be better for our 40th anniversary party.”
Using his wealth of celebrity mates, Bono could make the Glastonbury gig a special one-off show that?ll blow everyone else out the water. Think about it. The Catholic church has gotten all pissy about Madonna using crosses in her shows before. So imagine the look on everyone's face when The Pope emerges from a burning cross before breaking in to a frenzied guitar solo with The Edge. It'll be OK if God?s best mate actually does it. The Guardian again reports:
?Eavis had promised something special for Glastonbury’s 40th anniversary, and in booking a band who have been rumoured to headline every year since the mid-1980s, he has not disappointed. The ebullient 74-year-old said the news had been a long time coming.?
Ballsacks, we're so pumped up about this that we forgot there aren’t any tickets left for Glastonbury 2010. Either a kind PR company will let us go and experience the spectacle, or it'll be the borefest that most people believe it'll be. A two-hour lecture from Bono about how we should have donated the ticket money to starving Africans or drowning penguins. Fun.
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Ryan M says
this is just hateful and unsubstantiated. U2 continues to sell out stadiums around the world so your opinion seems to be the exception.
Bronzed Demi-God says
Ryan and Bono sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
:D
TheBelcher says
Ryan M is an apple-polishing little stub on Algore’s nub. Boner hasn’t had a hit since The Joshua Tree and is simply an overrated, BORING “celebutard”, and U-TWAT has been washed up for years. It’s time Boner give Yoko Ono her goggles back.
Marien says
U2 are the best-selling band in the world, they are since more than 20 years ago, their last two legs of their present tour have been the most profitable in history, its memebers don’t take part in any kind os scandal or antisocial behaviour, they don’t appear in public under the effects of any unknown substance, they don’t fight each other or abandon the band to get later reunited, they just make music and take part in humanitarian campaigns, yes I can definetely understand why “journalits” hate them, it must be very difficult to sell stuff like “Bono and his family are in their home”, but, frankly, I can’t understand the hatred, if you don’t like them, their music or their ideology it is OK, nobody says you have to, but why the hatred? If I felt something like that about an artist I would get it checked by a therapist.
Jan says
Hopefully the tosser that wrote this doesn’t go, there is nothing worse than being around people that are negative who like to ruin a great atmosphere.
theblokewith the beard says
The recent 360
Karen says
Bono haters? This is a new breed to me. I have been to so many U2 concerts. it is a reason to plan a vacation, and most of my friends go as well. While at the concerts, Which are all SOLD out at least 6 months to a year in advance, there is a great friendship felt through the crowd. We are all there for a reason, our own reasons, but none of these people that consistently pay massive amounts for tickets and continually make these concerts a SOLD OUT EVENT are there to be a Bono Hater. We all know Bono is passionate about his life, his music, his talent, his causes, and our world. There is nothing wrong with that, and if the younger crowd, under 30 like Matthew Laidlow described in his column hate Bobo as much as Matthews seems to dislike him, then I guess the concert would be crazy to headline such an incredible group. These people should feel Lucky they can see a great band such as U2 and have the experience as only U2 can deliver. There is a reason the shows sell out totally, and have been for years and years. Its not the POP Charts, or the #1 songs, its the fans and how they enjoy the music and the entire concert experience. I was lucky enough to see U2 at Slane Castle in Sept 2001, and that was an all day concert. I will never forget it. It is just sad to me to read such hateful, deliberate words about a band that has only chosen to do good things with their talents, and to help so many millions have a great concert experience. Maybe Matthew should actually go to a U2 concert…
:-)
Jackie says
Whoever came up with this article doesn’t know anything! U2 are awesome and they sold out basically every show on their 360 tour, this goes to show that they still are the best and ALWAYS will be! ;) The people at the Glastonbury festival are in for an amazing show and are lucky to see the greatest band on earth perform in front of them. So stop hating on U2( and Bono especially-I didn’t know it was a bad thing to help save lives and help create a better future for people) and please, get a life.
Thad says
This bloke has no idea what he’s speaking about, to have U2 play Glastonbury is amazing… certainly better of a choice than that of Jay-Z!
Casey says
There are a few problems with Matt’s article:
1. While U2’s audience may be dominated by the 30+ crowd, there are still plenty under 30 (and there’d be more if ticket prices weren’t so ridiculously high).
2. Bono’s been keeping his preaching in check this tour (unlike the last tour, where he was often insufferable).
3. I doubt the average attendee this year owned a Springsteen album, yet he managed to hold the crowd and U2 will do the same.
john says
Hooray! They’ve pulled out. Result!