If you're of a certain age ? say, between four and forty ? it's likely that your moral compass was calibrated by a bunch of hairy freaks, elbow deep in the hindquarters of some hairier freaks.
Yes, Sesame Street not only taught us how to count. It taught us how to love and respect one another.
But as we get older and realise that the world is basically shit and all people are dicks, Kermit and chums refuse to grow up. They?re just so happy and adorable, it almost makes you believe that the world isn't screwed after all. We?ll always have Ms. Spears to remind us of humanity?s squalid plight, but perhaps it's about time those puppets took off their rose-tinted glasses. So while we wait for Big Bird and Mr Snuffleupagus to discover frotting, we?ll have to make do with BBC Three?s new comedy Mongrels. Billed as an adult puppet sitcom, it takes the basic premise of Avenue Q ? swearing puppets are funny ? and runs with it.
Episode one opens with a walnut-faced old dear called Margaret falling to her death, decaying for a few months and being eaten by cats. We also quickly learn that Mr Whiskers (also deceased) was a tabby-coloured cocksucker.
Mongrels works not just because it's good when puppets say ‘cocksucker’, but also because it plays with the whole anthropomorphic thing. Give animals human voices and personalities and we can all relate to them. But these animals still behave like animals, eating their young, getting off their tits on catnip and sniffing each other?s bum holes. ?Baby girl, it's time to get your nose in the chocolate box? is our new favourite chat-up line.
It's an ensemble cast but Marion the Mediterranean tomcat is the real star. Unlike Shrek?s sidekick, Puss In Boots, this British vision of an Iberian kitty is less courageous lothario and more Bagpuss?s flea-ridden junky cousin. Kali the cynical pigeon is OK but there's only so many facial expressions you can get from a beak. The others, a metrosexual fox, his cockney brother and a self-obsessed, vapid bitch (the canine kind) are less endearing but they keep the plot moving.
There are some cameo performances too. Paul Ross plays the part of an unlovable little runt of a man called Paul Ross. We commend his method acting skills ? he really throws himself into the part ? but it's actually quite upsetting to see him rummage through bins and talk on his pretend mobile phone. It made us warm to him a little, the shit. And while we're always up for some Christian baiting, no one wants to see Biggins as God ? apart from Biggins, evidently.
We?ll be interested to see if Mongrels can sustain itself past the first few episodes (catch them on iPlayer), but there's clearly a lot of love gone into this fledgling show. As such, it shouldn?t take long before it becomes bitter, jaded and futile, just like everything else on this wretched planet.
Happy Monday!
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