Previously on Junior Apprentice: Camping! Campness! Cardboard! Reinforced Cardboard!
This week, our intrepid teams of the weird, bullied and damned are sent to Oxford Street, to ice and sell cupcakes. VALUE ADDED cupcakes, as Lord Alan keeps mentioning.
Rhys is hounded into being project manager for his team, because he once worked in a kitchen. He also ends up not working in the kitchen.
On the other team, Lipstick and Emma Walker (16, sells eggs and sweets) get into a pissing match over who bakes the most cakes. “I like baking.” “Well, I love baking.” “I REALLY love baking.” Eventually Emma Walker (16, sells eggs and sweets) gives up, because she’s used her quota of words for the series. Lipstick takes centre stage once again. Squee, pretty, etc.
In the test-baking area, the professional baker who ices cakes professionally in a professional capacity as her profession warns two teenagers who are icing for the first time: “People won’t buy them if they’re average.” With motivation like that, they’re sure to kick ass at it. Or, alternatively, they’ll take the money up front and since it’s a one-off, one day task, not really be that fussed if they’re not perfect.
Rhys wanders round aimlessly like Benjamin Button; a shy old man trapped in the body of a pre-pubescent teenager. Someone who isn’t him comes up with the idea of high fashion and the slogan ‘Fashionable cupcakes for fashionable people’. I’ve heard that Sex and the City 2 is centred around Carrie looking for the most fashionable cupcake in New York, finding it baked by a teenage wolf-man on work experience in a department store. What do they mean by high fashion, though? Jock in the box Kirsty enlightens us, it means: Sleek and looks good. Easy, then.
Poor Rhys is undermined at every opportunity by his team, laughing at him for being shorter than them, somehow not carrying a box properly, and watching as he transports cakes two at a time through a maze of corridors from the kitchen.
Thuggy Adam is under the weather, and takes four minutes to ice a single cake, a time that even Edward Scissorhands could piss all over. His heart really isn’t in it, and he’d probably rather be in bed watching Fireman Sam and jerking off.
Oh, last week I got told off by a backgammon player for insinuating that they’d probably all died out by now. Since controversy sells, it’s important that you all know that cupcakes are really really shit.
During the lunchtime rush, in which neither team seems to think writing things down is a good idea, orders get queued up and come back wrong. Arjun takes an unconventional approach to customer service, just arguing with the customer that they didn’t specify what they wanted properly. Good lad.
By the end of the day, things are tense: there’s more cupcakes left than they want, and there needs to be a strategy. Lost-boy Rhys comes out with a profound answer. “Sell ’em”. He can go all the way to the top, this boy.
To the boardroom, where Adam is sent back to his mum and dad, for being such a snivelling little sod. He had a cold for a couple of days, he’ll clearly get better, what’s the problem?
Lipstick’s team put together a profit of about fifteen quid, which doesn’t matter as Rhys Rosser somehow managed to lose money, walking out of the day nearly ?80 poorer. They’d have been better off as a team not bothering to make a single cake, and picked up ?75 in pound coins and thrown them at strangers.
For Lipstick and the winners, a visit to see Lion-headed hot-air-balloon botherer, Richard Branson, who embarrassingly doles out high-fives and laughs at Arjun’s terrible anecdote about dressing as a giant cupcake.
The losers roll back into the boardroom. Rhys doesn’t stand a chance as Creepy Ankers and the girl that’s on it occasionally blame him for everything. Lord Alan isn’t impressed with them undermining Rhys, but realising what a little dick he is, fires him with the message: “You are special.”
Aren’t they all.
This was a guest post by the terrific Nik Johnson from the terrific Shouting At Cows
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Michael Crane says
Sorry, I don’t have any cupcakes but I am willing to send you a CD about learning to play backgammon! Who knows, if you get good enough at it you might win your own cupcake. ;-)
Iqbal says
That was just hilarious. I’m reading this in the office and am trying my hardest not to guffaw. Am consequently shaking up and down like I’m having a coronary. Fantastic articles – all three of them so far – and just brilliantly observed. Loved all the assessments of the contestants – you’re bang on. Episode 2 write-up, in particular, had me howling. Just inspired – thank you for making me laugh so much!
john says
Edward Scissorhands haha