Ah love. We love it. But not as much as celebrity couples who love it more! Or at least maybe murmer to Max Clifford that those M&S microwave asparagus rissottos aren’t going to heat up in their houses with no electricity by themselves.
Love is all you need.
Everybody says it. John Lennon says it. Richard Curtis got a fridge magnet of it and then based an entire career around it. We’re not really sure what the hell’s going on to be honest. Suffice to say, it’s the hecklerspray Top 10 Most.. GOD KNOWS WHAT THEY WERE THINKING! Celebrity Couples list!
Happy Valentines Day!
Yes.
Even you, you massive scum holder.
10.?Vanessa Feltz’ Childhood Holiday Romance from Pete Tong
“Yes, it's true, I was 10 and on holiday in Majorca ? my parents had been on a tour of the artificial pearl factory or something and my mother was livid when she found out.”
Oh my CHRIST, Vanessa. We will continue to be mortified by this story all day. Just picture it. The white rolling cascading ascents of those Majorca beaches… Vanessa’s playful frolics along the wave in a cascading?fuchsia?sarong… ?Pete and Van chortling because they were at the same DJ Froggy rave and never knew… Pete Tong’s cascading… OH HOW THINGS WOULD CASCADE. Absolutely devasting, in all manner of an Ian Mckewen novel that this one didn’t blossom and expand to the proportions it should have like a Beckham child’s nasal cavity. Oh love, you cruel, vapid temptress.
9. Cher/Tom Cruise
BIT WEIRD YEP. Not as weird as the Daily Mail’s ‘I had Him Babe’ headline when the story broke a couple of years ago, but nonetheless. Actually you know what, considering everything, and we mean ‘everything’. (*nudges you into an abyss so you understand*) Everything we have come to learn about the lives of disco singer, actress, film director, record producer, film producer, fashion designer, entrepreneur Cher, and ‘the gentleman who did that bit in Risky Business – this doesn’t altogether seem weird at all. Long live… The portmanteau of Tom Cruise and Cher. You know the one.
8. Vanessa Feltz/Ben Ofoedu from Phats and Small?
How did they even so much as be in the same room together let alone lathering up each other’s particulars to a candle-lit supper soundtracked by Earth Wind and Fire? HOW? GOD DAMN IT?
7. Kemal/Kinga from various Big Brothers OH SHUT UP
God, love can be complimented and a ruthless chasm of feelings and whatever the hell EITHER of these people have going on down there, can’t it? The ambiguity of this short-lived romance still gripes us something?claustrophobic. Imagine them at a dinner party handing the charming hosts a bottle of vintage ’72 Chavignon Blanc. You’d… you’d have to take it, just to keep up appearances, wouldn’t you?
6. Alex Reid/Chantelle Houghton
Now they’ve actually created spawn, there’s absolutely no way we can ignore this ever happening.
5. ?Woody Allen and Soon Li.
Oh it’s been done to death but it’s still very much here and something that very much happened and was a bit *raises eyebrows in effective manner* quite a lot. Not quite as devastating as when Sharon got off with her half-brother Dennis in Eastenders, but sometimes we like to blur the parallels of reality and the career of Letitia Dean, just for a break really. Still, it’ll be their 14th anniversary this year, and we’re all eating Muller Rice out of the kitchen scales. Alone.
4. Sam Taylor-Wood/Aaron Johnsson
Enter Sam Taylor Wood and Aaron Johnsson, on a dimly lit studio, filled with OBEs, easels, pou pourri and pogs.
A: Oh hey my adorable and totally legitimate wife and mother of my children Sam!
S: Oh hi, beloved husband Aaron!
A: You…alright?
S: Yep.
A: Oh, that’s good! Good..
S: Wanna do something later?
A: No, no – I’ll just. Y’know.
Exeunt Sam Taylor Wood and Aaron Johnsson.
3. (Alright, GO ON THEN.) Micheal Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley
Bloody hell. An adult woman, eh? Love, eh? DOESN’T SOUND VERY PLAUSIBLE TO US.
2. ?Mel B and Eddie Murphy
We know.?Entrepreneur, actor, singer, comedienne, television star necking the Donkey from Shrek. Absolutely insane. And lo, a baby was born. Not that Eddie believed it.
On second thought, maybe we should all just go out and try and put the country back together again instead of finding a vulnerable thigh to loiter over?
Oh who are we kidding. Happy Valentines Day, Vanessa. God bless.