It’s the end of an era folks. The last remaining stalker that Madonna could call her own has finally been arrested, leaving her with only people who vaguely recognise her left on this godforsaken planet.
That’s right, like the death of the dodo and the velociraptor (incidentally, both of these creatures share looks with Madge), the lesser spotted Madonna Stalker is no more.
The man, who will forever be remembered in Madge’s heart as ‘the last man who cared’ has been reluctantly charged with burglary. It was reported that he broke into Madonna’s London home, where security staff tackled him and wiped away tears as they considered a future without anything to do.
The man, called Grzegorz Matlok, has been accused of entering Madonna’s home by smashing a window. A charmingly old-school way of getting into someone’s property.
Yesterday, the police charged him and he’s due to appear at Westminster Magistrates Court today and then later, he’ll be stuffed and mounted and placed in a Hard Rock Cafe and displayed under a neon light that says “Madonna’s Career RIP”.
Apparently, Matlok has stalked the singer before. Presumably, they set him free like fishermen throwing their catch back to the water for future predatory behaviour and, of course, allowing him to return so Madonna can still feel important while she lies around scoffing chocolates and clicking her aged fingers like a modern day Barbara Cartland.
Matlock was found clutching some of Madonna’s possessions and the security team wrestled him to the ground and mournfully called the police.
The sting in this story is that Madonna was away in the US during the incident, thereby missing her last chance at some attention from the public.
Madonna will now be taken to a field in Somerset where she can graze with other forgotten people from the entertainment industry like Hale & Pace and Billy Ocean.
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