Get excited, friends, Big Brother ? the final series ? isn't a million miles away.
Of course, lots of people seem to find it fashionable to deride the show for not being brainy enough, or for encouraging idiots to go on television. But, frankly, those people can sod off, because Big Brother is truly excellent.
So, to celebrate, below are ten of the best from every series so far?Nick Bateman, Series One
For those who can't remember, Nasty Nick MADE Big Brother, with his devious mind games, and made up stories about dead girlfriends. One particular highlight involves Nick flapping around in a blind panic on some very simple children?s monkey bars, having bogusly informed his housemates that he used to be hot shit in the army. A magnificent contestant.
Brian Dowling, Series Two
Series Two was a vintage year, featuring great contestants like: Amma, the world's grumpiest lapdancer and Stuart Hoskings ? an abominable business twat who should have bided his time for The Apprentice. And no one will ever forget unpopular Paul?s attempts to woo pea-brained Helen, which involved pointing it out whenever she incited a gentlemanly stiffening amongst his old meat and two testicles. But Brian was the best thing about it, playing the part of a nervous young homosexual lad coming to terms with himself. Moving stuff.
Jade Goody, Series Three
If anyone sums up the Big Brother experience, it's probably Jade. She made her name on the show by being hilariously thick, before dragging it through mud by being rather unwelcoming to a kindly Indian woman, and then, tragically ? in the midst of more post Big Brother reality mayhem – she died. Reality television doesn't get much more real than that, unfortunately.
Federico Martone, Series Four
Very few viewers made it through the whole of the fourth Big Brother ? mainly because it was cripplingly dull. In a ham-fisted attempt to make the whole thing palatable, producers clearly decided to give some ?nice? people a go. But can you remember any of them? Probably not. Federico only springs to mind, because he once told the women of Newcastle that they were all sluts.
Nadia Almada, Series Five
Those still reeling from the confusion of first seeing Boy George on Top of the Pops in the 1980s will have felt an eerie sense of d?j? vu when Nadia walked into the house. Girl’s name, breasts, ladylike outfits, and yet it was quite obviously a bloke. Highlights from that season include the greatest fight in Big Brother history, a predatory glamour girl convincing a shy university student to touch her down there with his down-therey stuff. But, above all of that, this series was about one man?s journey to convince the world that he was just a woman, standing in from of about fifty cameras, asking the world to give him 100 grand.
Makosi Musambasi, Series Six
Makosi was probably the most entertaining maniac in the history of the show. In the course of her seventy-two weeks ? roughly ? she managed to stage lesbian moments with at least two other girls, and she may or may not have rogered Antony ? the tiny little disco dancer ? in the hot tub. ?Will I have to name our child Jacuzzi?? she asked a very stunned Big Brother. Silence.
Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, Series Seven
Hmm, was this one of those WAG things we?d been told about in the newspapers? As it turns out, no, not entirely. Yes, she wore thongs in the back garden, and yes, her bosoms were totally pretend. But was she not also the girl who explained to that hideous troll, Grace, that she better know herself, little girl? Yes she was. A?surprisingly great?gal.
Brian Belo, Series Eight
Series Eight was another vintage year, which many will remember for those weird twins ? Thing One and Thing Two ? the young Posh Spice wannabe, Chanelle, who endured a Fatal Attraction meltdown over an ex-boy band member called Ziggy. Then there was Charley, the bitchy one. Oh, and that girl who got kicked out for attempting to reclaim the n-word for racist white people. But all of them fade into comparison against Brian Belo, who made Jade Goody and Helen Adams look like Plato and Socrates. A lovely lad.
Sylvia Barrie, Series Nine
Poor Sylvia, such a beautiful girl, and yet totally humiliated by one evening in bed with a body sculptor called Stuart. As he lay pretending to sleep, she fumbled about next to him, sighing and moaning, desperately clawing at his muscles, begging him to find her attractive. It was a sorry time for the entire nation ? many of whom will have witnessed it all through the small gaps between their fingers. What were you thinking of, Sylvia? Even so, she manages to make the grade, thanks mainly to being the best looking yet, and not being as much of a princess as her horrible friend Jennifer ? the one from Newcastle who went berserk because posh-boy Rex dabbed some tomato sauce on her rubbish picture. Luke from that year was also good.
Siavash Sabbaghpour, Series Ten
When he strode into the house like a Teen Wolf Dick Turpin, Siavash looked for all of the world like one of those awful angular types that make you want to go on a bricking spree in Topman. But, in a shocking twist, he turned out to be a magnificent contestant, and actually quite easy to like. His only real blemish came when he decided to have a crack at the hideous scalp-collector, Noirin. Should have won.
Who wrote this? Why Josh Burt from the mighty Interestment, that’s who
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Joke Police says
“Was she not also the girl who explained to that hideous troll, Grace, that she better know herself, little girl?”
Not Grace, Nikki.
I AM A BIG BROTHER NERD