Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase 'rape party' is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was – also supposedly – given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let's continue…
A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:
"I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men – together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex."
A completely invented – by us, just now – rumour has suggested that the players involved were Dutch goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Sar, Irish utility man John O’Shea, Argentine bull-dog Carlos Tevez, assistant manager Carlos Queiroz with his pet hyena Hermione and Gary Neville – the apparent ringleader – who had previously shocked revellers at the bash at Great St. John Street Hotel by turning up in a flowing cape and Venetian carnival papier-mache mask.
From the same unfounded source came the news that Mr Tevez, who is still working hard on his English, took the slang term ‘roasting’ a little too literally and was given a stern telling off when Neville caught him pre-heating the oven to gas mark six. The impressionable Tevez commented that he had found the apparent order to murder the girl a little strange, and was literally delighted to learn the true definition of the word. The witness continued:
"The men were shrieking like hyenas and shouting, 'Get in there'. My mate and I sat shocked as it was so vile. After a few minutes the men filed out of the room laughing, and rushed downstairs for more booze. The girl then came staggering out boasting she had just had sex with all the men. She was clearly very drunk and very pretty, and probably about 19 years old. I was shocked by the idea there had been an orgy at the party. It felt so sleazy."
Said the girl, as she sold her story to the national tabloid with a daily circulation of about 3.1 million.
OK, enough of the nonsense. Not one player has been named or linked to the orgy, we made that Gary Neville thing up, believe it or not; there was no cape or papier-mache mask and, however much we’d love to believe it, Carlos Queiroz does not own a pet Hyena called Hermione.
So don’t believe what we’ve said. But try not to believe what this self-proclaimed gossiping witness says either; are we really to believe that – in the throes of sexual ecstasy – a professional footballer would actually shout "get in there," shriek like a hyena and cap it all off with a round of applause? Even if that footballer was Gary Neville? Well…
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O.J. says
What’s insufficient evidence got to do with anything?
Adam Gade says
Right on O.J. But really, unless she was completely trashed on alcohol I doubt they could get the guys for any “surprise sex”.