If you ever have a really important secret that you don’t want the world finding out, like that you have herpes or you think Khloe Kardashian is the prettiest Kardashian sister, then I strongly suggest you do not tell T-Pain, because that auto-tuned motherfucker does not know how to keep his mouth shut. In a recent radio interview T-Pain was asked about working with FKA Twigs and he dropped the bombshell that she was busy touring and being engaged to Robert Pattinson.
Once he realized he’d not only put his foot in his mouth, but his whole body from the waist down, he tried to play the whole thing off like it was an April Fool’s joke, but it was too late. Every Twi-hard from here to Ohio to Cairo (I assume there are Twi-hards everywhere) were officially crying tears of rage and betrayal into homemade “ROBSTEN FOREVER” T-Shirts.
People Magazine confirmed the engagement today so I totally believe it since they’re a really reliable celebrity magazine. I mean, they broke such major stories as Ellen being gay and Christina Aguilera losing a ton of weight then gaining it all back. You know, hard hitting shit.
The two have been dating for about six months and neither of their reps have confirmed anything, but I really don’t feel like T-Pain AND People Magazine would lie to me. Especially since as soon as T-Pain announced it on the radio he immediately said “I don’t know if she wanted anyone to know that…”
It’s like the time in senior year that I announced my best friend was still a virgin during Global Issues class. I mean, I was truth talking, but once I realized what I’d said I totally thought to myself “I don’t know if she wanted anyone to know that…”
T-Pain is worse than 17-year-old me, and 17-year-old me also told some random guy that the same best friend would lose her virginity to him if he asked her to go for a walk in the park (I didn’t give her a heads up on this). I mean, looking back on it I was just trying to help a sister out, but in reality I am very very lucky and grateful she is still my best friend (until she reads this and is like “Seriously Krysta?! You’re bringing up my high school virginity again?! ON THE INTERNET?!)
Anyway, between R-Pattz engagement and K-Stew’s potential lesbianism, I’m predicting a mass suicide amongst all those hardcore Robsten fans. Or at least some dumb ass outburst on Instagram.