Ask any man what his fantasy is, and he’ll reply ‘Sandra Bullock, naked, with poo on her face and a gun up her bottom’.
Phwoar. Seriously, phwoar. And if you ask the man to elaborate slightly, then they’ll obviously explain that the man wiping poo across Sandra Bullock’s face and putting a gun up her bottom should be dressed as a Nazi and swearing quite a lot. So imagine everyone’s excitement when it was rumoured that Jesse James had made a Sandra Bullock sex tape featuring Nazi uniforms, facial poo-smearing and gun-based bottom play, and that he was threatening to leak it online following their split.
And imagine everyone’s disappointment when Sandra Bullock denied the existence of the sex tape yesterday in the strongest possible terms. Apparently it was all just a lie designed to damage her reputation. bit like The Net, except that was worse because it actually exists.
There’s no two ways about it, the rumours of the Sandra Bullock sex tape were based on nothing more than wishful thinking of the highest order. Deep down, everyone wanted to see the Sandra Bullock sex tape, for the following reasons:
1 – According to online whispers, the sex tape featured Sandra Bullock swearing copiously as Jesse James – sporting a Hitler moustache and dressed like a Nazi – handcuffed her, smeared faeces across her face and rammed a shotgun up her bottom, which barely even seems possible.
2 – People were naturally curious to see whether Sandra Bullock could force her cosmetically-tightened face into a recognisable human expression during the throes of sexual ecstasy or not.
3 – Sandra Bullock is an Oscar-winning actress, so the sex tape would have definitely had higher production values than any of the other Nazi poo-wipe anal-shotgun porn films currently available on the market.
4 – It would have meant that Speed 2 was no longer the worst thing that Sandra Bullock had starred in.
5 – As it was a Sandra Bullock film, the sex tape would have probably ended with the two leads overcoming their initial differences – like the Nazi uniform, the poo-smearing and the fact that there was a bloody great shotgun lodged halfway up her bottom – to live happily ever after.
But anyone hoping to see a grainy video of Sandra Bullock covered in human excrement and being used as a sort of impromptu ammunition holster is flat out of luck. Sandra Bullock, speaking for the first time since her split from Jesse James, has denied the existence of the sex tape. People reports:
Sandra Bullock has broken her silence during her marriage crisis, denying an Internet report there’s a sex tape with her and husband Jesse James. “There is no sex tape,” she says in a statement to PEOPLE on Tuesday. “There never has been one and there never will be one.”
So that’s that. In retrospect it was foolish to think that Sandra Bullock – one of the most recognisable faces on the planet – would ever think “Here I am, handcuffed to a bed with my Nazi fetishist husband’s turd plastered across my face and a shotgun wedged up my rectum. I can’t think of any possible reason why this moment shouldn’t be recorded for posterity”.
But at least now Sandra Bullock has put this all straight. Now nobody will talk about the Sandra Bullock sex tape any more. Except for us, now. And People magazine yesterday. And most of the internet until the end of time. Good work, Sandra!
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