I'm not a gamer. I'll happily have an evening with a controller and a few beers, but when my thumbs start to blister and my eyes crust over, I rejoin the real world.
Having said that, I'm not lacking that manchildish streak that still gets pants wettingly excited at the prospect of being a cowboy/ pirate/ zombie/ space marine/ Elvis.
You only have to see the average stag do to see grown men, thanks to intoxication and a flimsy excuse, donning the likeness of their particular hero and having a jolly good prance about.
This is why Rockstar Games had such a genius idea when they took their GTA series and put a Stetson on it. EVERY man out there with a twig and giggleberries loves the idea of being able to skin Clint Eastwood and scare the bum custard out of a saloon full of banditos.
It sound like this is an idea that couldn't go wrong. Take the guts of the insultingly successful Grand Theft Auto series and set it in the Wild West. Mix intelligent, player-led gameplay with the kind of personality-ruining role play usually found in dingy German fetish clubs and hey presto!
This is where my eight-year-old self pisses himself with excitement. My flatmate has a copy, and lets me play if I give him my pocket money and other stuff. I jumped at the chance. I promptly regretted it.
Like I said, I'm not a gamer, I didn't really get into the GTA series. Thus the controls rattled me at first. Walking, shooting and watching cut scenes all come naturally, but doing more than one at a time and I am struggling. Plus the fly-behind-camera gets very confused with its zooms and does something to ruin the fire fight. Often performing a colonoscopy on your horse.
There are other irksome features, the lethally long-winded weapon selection menu, the constant button bashing to get John Marston to mince a bit quicker and the fact that you can't punch accurately.
But these could all be forgiven if the game seemed to have a storyline. There are frequent cut scenes and walk and talks to deliver this to you, but it's more than likely you\’ll skip them as they are insanely dull.
So screw it, let's do it like a real outlaw. Sod the rules, storyline and helpful hints. I'm going to strike out into the brush by myself and try to find the fun parts of the game.
There is to do, but there doesn't seem to be much point to any of it. You can help the AI characters, kill them, buy them off or shoot all the horses. This plays havoc with Fame and Honour ratings.? Which means bugger all. You still get given plenty of less than rewarding, shamefully easy mini missions ? still with no idea where or how to find the bad guy, or why you want to. I don't even know what the name is all about.
This makes me think, all this ?plot? is probably in the manual. Bloody hell! The bad guy kidnapped Marston?s wife and kid. The game probably mentioned that in some epic cut scene I didn't watch.
Weirdly, Marston never seems to bring it up. He must have gotten over it and really be enjoying my confused romp through the brush, shooting innocent creatures or lassoing the townsfolk and leaving them all hogtied. There really is no sense of overall point to this game.
But the real world beckons and I'm bored enough of staring at the back of Marston?s head to quit and realise I've spent much longer than expected at this. Hours, maybe even days have passed.? I smell, my hands are sore and there are a massive quantity of empty beer cans around.
I have achieved nothing within the game, but it really is addictive. Not in a good, challenging and rewarding way. But in a schizophrenic, Being John Malkovich, stalking Jill Dando kind of way.
It really is a game that is all about escapism. It's not a game, it's a fantasy. Rockstar have left you free enough to turn the game into whatever you want it to be. You can be the good, bad or ugly. But you\’ll still end up listening to some irritating animated Irishman talking guff about horse gonads.
(By Randy Figgins)
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kitsunefox9 says
Michael Jackson is still the king! Who are you? A writer for Hecklerspray? Michael Jackson is the ruler of the world! And..
Oh my bad I saw “Dead masturbation” and figured it was an article about Michael Jackson…
I love the game as an escape. Everyone I know that owns it played it until two or three in the morning the day they purchased it. It definitely has it’s downfalls as a game. But as a way to spend several hours… well being able to drag a guy behind your horse for miles… or hogtieing a girl and laying her down in front of the train.. ah memories.
Carl says
Hmmmm.
Appreciate you dont like games because you’re more grown up than the rest of us (I’m 37 going on 14 and I literally did wee myself at the thought of owning this game) it’s escapism – nowhere in this shitty world can I legally ride a horse about and shoot people – so I make the most of it :)
But in my defence i’m not a sad little blogger either and found your review a little whiny and petulent.
Also, badly researched. You can’t review something like this and get the facts wrong.
The storyline makes the game, it’s rich and involving – but hey if you skipped the cut scens no ownder you haven’t got a clue what you’re doing.
Marstons wife and kid weren’t kidnapped by Bill Williamson but the Federal Government who made John hunt him down (his one time outlaw partner). A typical western movie mechanic but it works. These little facts are important because skipping them is like reading a book but only focussing on the exciting bits because the plot and character development aren’t your cup of tea.
I dont mind that you didnt like it, I’m not a defensive fan boy type, but I wonder why you reviewed it in the first place if you weren’t prepared to at least challenge or understand it’s appeal to all us other immature men. Or at the very least, mock us in a witty and intelligent way that would have me grinning in recognition at my own boyish short comings.
By the way, letting your 8 year old son play an 18 rated game is a bit naughty. There are plenty of unpleasant scenes of a violent and sexual nature and loads of bad language. But I suppose your son is mature enough to accept it – like you obviously.
Bye bye now.
Carl
Cercata says
That’s the review Bukowski would do about this game.
I think the schizophrenic comes from your brais, not from the game.
Carl says
Oh, Sorry the 8 year old is you. Ha. My bad. Suffering from your sloppy research standards now. har-har.
:)
Tom J says
I honestly don’t see the draw of this game. I love the escapism of the GTA franchise, bombing around a sprawling cityscape in hot cars, shooting stuff up with a massive arsenal of guns and killing hookers and whatnot. Who doesn’t love that stuff? But apply the same idea to the Wild West and what do you have? Limited vehicles (horses?), crappy guns, pathetic shanty town setting. How is that an improvement over GTA?
I also hate 3rd person. 1st person is the best way for this type of game but shitty consoles can’t do first person in any decent way and games manufacturers have to cater to the lowest common denominator.
But hey, I guess I should actually play the game before judging.
Randy Figgins says
Carl,
I wasn’t intending to insult anyone. I wan’t trying to slander any genre of game.
I never claimed the review was complete or exhaustive. I openly admit to skipping the narrative elements of the game that I didn’t find entertaining.
The only point I really make if that I found it a highly addictive but unfulfilling experience. Much like smoking crack, or murdering a prostitute.
Skipping boring content might not be the best way to improve your mind, but it certainly would have made Die Hard 4 a watchable movie. Sorry, but I don’t play games for an academic challenge. The same way you wouldn’t watch a Ben Stiller film if you wanted to have a laugh.
Keep reading Heckler Spray,
Randy