Our hero Prince Harry is to return home! The move follows the collapse of the news blackout deal that had been silently agreed between the MoD and newspapers and broadcasters in the UK and abroad.
Was it a British news source that broke the deal? No, sir, of course not – how dare you ask? – it was a foreign one. And which foreigners do we blame? That’s right: Australia; Those bloody foreigners. It was apparently leaked there in January, fortunately though, what with it being in Australia, nobody noticed, and it wasn’t until influential US website The Drudge Report got hold of the story that Harry was asked home. So we’ve been let down by two countries that we basically created.
But still, Harry’s home – Yay!
After the leak, magnificently named Chief of the Defence Staff Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup, got together with the comparatively rubbish-named head of the Army Sir Richard Dannatt, and they took the decision to withdraw Prince Harry immediately. The statement said:
"This decision has been taken primarily on the basis that the worldwide media coverage of Prince Harry in Afghanistan could impact on the security of those who are deployed there, as well as the risks to him as an individual soldier."
So Prince Harry has been sent home from war because he might get killed. Just another one of the perks of being a Royal we suppose. It’s OK though, we understand, he is better than us, of that there’s no doubt. We’re all happy to restrict our own freedom so his can blossom, aren’t we? Yeah, we are. God forbid an upper class kid might die! God save the Queen. No, there’s more to it than that, we’re sure.
In exchange for not reporting Harry’s deployment, some media organisations were granted access to interview the prince in Afghanistan. The biggest shame about all this is that hecklerspray had an interview with him scheduled for half eight tomorrow morning. Now what do we do? We can’t find the tourist information anywhere, can’t find a taxi for toffee and it’s bloody hot. The heroin’s cheap as chips though. There’s a vehicle for David Dickinson if we ever saw one. What’s he up to these days?
We don’t care. What we do care about it that Prince Harry is coming home (!!!) and, according to The Sun, the young lieutenant killed up to 30 of the enemy on his frontline tour by directing at least three air strikes. And they didn’t kill him once! Harry 30, Taliban nil.
We here, the good servants of Britain that we are, would like to offer some tactical advice to the MoD in regards to winning the War on Terror. Listen up, MoD! Stop looking to Army Chief Sir Dick King Stirrups for help, and listen to what hecklerspray has to say – the UK’s best resource for celebrity news with a cruel/witty twist:
We'd hire ginger people as cannon fodder.
It is a well known fact that all ginger men look like Prince Harry; we could use them as suicide-decoys. We dress them up like Harry, tell them to speak a tad posh like Harry, and teach them that, if anyone asks, they are to pretend that Prince Charles is their father like Harry.
We then wave them off into no-mans-land – for Queen and Country, no less – where upon all the ugly, dirty, evil, smelly people of the Taliban focus their thoughts on becoming ‘the man who killed Harry’, plus all the column inches and afterlife-virgins that that’ll come with, whilst our boys – the beautiful, pure, moral, scent of lavender soldiers – take their time to pluck away the life of many an unsuspecting enemy.
There will be an impressive amount of ginger men who will be more than willing to sign up for suicide-decoy duty and take one for the team, but there will also no doubt be some dissenters. Fear not, for all you need do is open up a shop with adverts on the window for ‘Factor 75 Suncream – 50% Off! Hurry whilst stocks last!!!’ and have a team of recruiters waiting inside with large nets. One problem with this is a few non-gingers may be fooled by the sale, perhaps resourceful, global-warming fearing folk, who want to get their stocks now, because in ten years the demand for factor 75 will push prices through the roof and they’ll make a good profit. Set these people free from the ginger net men.
You will no doubt ignore us, MoD, just like Britney does. But look what’s happened to her. How would you like it if you woke up one morning and your kids were gone, all because you didn’t really understand the full extent of what you were getting yourself into, huh, MoD? She thought she was just being pop's princess, being pretty and singing to other pretty girls in pureland. But then the powers at be manipulated and abused her for their own selfish gain. Now she can’t sing pretty anymore, or even look it. She’s seen too much horror. She’s still breathing, but a part of her is dead forever.
Heed – take it.
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Snapper Winsten says
Now that is a great title if ever I did see one.
David says
A mere 30? My god, what a sad sack. No wonder Harry the Numpty is THIRD in line. Pfffft!
King Jimbo says
Rambling, irrelevant, boring, sub standard, and off the mark. Other than that a good article.
Phsyt says
So very very very sick of hearing about the pointless royals