The only reason, and we do mean the only reason, we’d ever be seen following Simon Cowell all over town is if we’d gotten reliable word that there’s a fist-sized diamond lodged somewhere inside him, and he’s carrying a lunch-pale chock full of old fruit.
If that were the case, we’d follow him alright – but still only if he looked kinda like he was walking with his knees hinged together. He’d never know we were tailing him though – because we have three different disguises to choose from. Two of them are Russian themed, and the third is a girl-Bugs Bunny.
Not everybody is so stealthy – like the paparazzo who stuck a tracking device on Cowell’s undercarriage.
American Idol judges could be a fascinating study into the celebrity psyche, mostly because they keep surrounding themselves with hundreds of dead bodies and hecklerspray wants to know why. We think it’s probably got something to do with corpses filling in nicely as a very gumby-like furniture if you get them in your living room just before rigamortis sets in.
Someone thinks the daily ins and outs of the American Idol judges are even more interesting than we do – interesting enough to actually plant a bug on Simon Cowell‘s car. They also bugged Randy Jackson‘s stomach staples, but that signal has just got too much dense matter to fight through for anybody to get decent reception off it. Jackson’s ins and outs will remain his own, for the time being.
Cowell’s car really did get bugged though. We wouldn’t lie to you. See, looky here:
“Lawyers acting for The X Factor judge Simon Cowell have warned UK newspapers not to harass their client after a tracking device was allegedly found attached to his Rolls Royce last week. The presenter’s publicist, Max Clifford, told MediaGuardian.co.uk that “enough is enough”. According to Clifford, the use of a tracking device is illegal and could lead to prosecution.”
Thank you, Guardian. The tracking device is gone, no doubt, but probably not before it let the world know that on weekdays he prefers to take his breakfast in the back room of a dilapidated Chuck E Cheese.
Really though, if the guy who planted it has GPS coordinates of any sort he should really make them public. People would probably pay money to Google Earth Cowell’s typical Tuesday morning rituals and what-not. They’d be all “There’s Simon slowly driving to his mail box! Oh – and there he is reversing back to his front porch. Lookit – Ruben Studdard is mowing his lawn! Mow in straighter lines, Ruben! Mow in straighter lines!”
Seriously, that’s a real money maker right there. Lets make that info public.