Oh Oscars, how could you? Up in chihuahua heaven, little Loki Rourke is in floods. Floods. Are you happy now?
You’d better be. Because, even though he’s won every single other award on the face of the Earth for The Wrestler, the Oscars have just decided to snub Mickey Rourke and give the Best Actor trophy to Sean Penn. Honestly Oscars, when Mickey Rourke goes off the rails again and ends up starring in Sylvester Stallone‘s Get Carter 2, the blood will be on your hands.
Also, Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of Oscars, which is a great surprise to… oh, nobody.
Prior to Oscars, all the bookies were saying that the big awards were all sewn up. And, mostly, they were. What’s more, all the reactions to the big awards were sewn up too –
* Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture and Best Director, and Danny Boyle looked like the happiest Morrissey impersonator on Earth on both occasions;
* Kate Winslet won Best Actress and immediately flew into her ‘asthma sufferer you’d most like to punch’ shtick;
* Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor and accepted the award in person, admitting that his accidental suicide was simply a ploy to win an Oscar;
* Mickey Rourke won Best Actor and… hey, wait a minute! Mickey Rourke didn’t win Best Actor at all.
Even though he was the critical and public favourite for the best actor Oscar, the Academy decided that the last thing it wanted to hear was another bloody eulogy for a dead chihuahua and gave the Best Actor Oscar to Sean Penn for his role in Milk instead.
Then again, it all seems so obvious in retrospect. The Oscars love Sean Penn. If Sean Penn did a fart in a ziploc bag, he’d probably get an Oscar for it. Because when Sean Penn wins an Oscar, you know you’re going to get a dangerously sincere acceptance speech about cinema’s ability to weave itself into the fabric of the national consciousness, and that tends to ease moviestars’ guilt about being paid millions of dollars to memorise a handful of words in the right order once a year.
Also, Sean Penn won his Best Actor Oscar for Milk, which allowed the Academy to register its disappointment of the passing of Proposition 8 in California last year. So now the entire television audience of The Oscars – essentially a dwindling handful of gay men and nobody else – know that some actors think Proposition 8 is bad. Thank God for that.
Also, did you see The Oscars? What with Sophia Loren, that man who balanced his Oscar upside down on his chin and Hugh Jackman’s big gurning head on top of that little puppet body, these were probably the gayest Oscars in living memory. At least Sean Penn’s victory was a decent fit.
But, despite this upset, the 2009 Oscars will go down in history as the Slumdog Millionaire Oscars. Actually, no, who are we kidding? They’ll go down in history as the Oscars where it looked like Angelina Jolie was cackling at Jennifer Aniston‘s inability to talk properly. Something tells us you’ll be hearing more about this soon.
Heavenly says
Could God have created a smellier asshole than you? Not.
Craig Parton says
I think you’re misrepresenting some stuff here. (For the record, were I voting, I’d have voted for Mickey Rourke.) However, in no way was he the “critical” favorite as you suggest. Penn won New York, L.A. and Boston Critics awards, plus many others, including Screen Actors Guild. His win was not a surprise on any level. I think all prognosticators said it was neck ‘n neck. It could have gone either way. It would also not have been a surprise if Mickey had won. It was the only major category without a veritable “shoe-in.”
JWPeters says
Sean Penn sucks. Undeserved, shouldn’t have been nominated. The Oscar’s are out of touch, except when they are touching themselves.
magnetite says
Ooo, someone’s going to be extra grumpy today from lack of sleep, and sleb-kind will suffer for it.
Lovely.
evelyn says
If everyone in this world is such a hater as you are, we deserve to be wiped out from the earth, Wait a minute, I guess only a few of you…
Feel bad for you….hope u will hate less someday.
magnetite says
Are we haters the Morlocks to your Eloi, then Evelyn?
‘Cause you know how that all worked out…
munch. crunch. yum. yum.
Andrew says
Changeling deserved Best Film, and Angelina Jolie deserved Best Actress.
hesam says
ha ha ha.congratulation SEAN PENN.now you can piss to this writer.you are a great actor
Saint Subversive says
The award to Penn was mostly another “statement”, as the “Milk” project has been the Hollywood gay community’s big pet dream project for decades, with just about every major director and actor slated to create it at one time or another. The awards were voted on and the winners decided weeks ago, so its kind of amusing when someone posts online that its because of Rourke’s Independent Spirit Awards speech the day before about Eric Roberts and his pooch’s death (pets can literally become like members of your family, and to those who dont get it, that’s your problem, not his) or because he’s apparently going to a Wrestlemania (yeah gee what a travesty, in a town where a director named “McG” is celebrated as a visionary).
It wasnt due to his recent behavior at all, it’s simply Hollywood politics and nothing more. Penn is a great actor (who has been rewarded for it in the past), but Rourke was robbed. It’s far from the first time that it’s happened (look what they did to Scorsese for decades), so he can at least take comfort in the fact that he’s not alone.
And he was right, someone should give Eric Roberts a good part again.
evelyn says
magnetite: I wasn’t talking about you, but whoever wrote this article.
magnetite says
Once upon a time, Evelyn, the word ‘hater’ didn’t make any real sense.
Nothing has changed. This is still that time. ‘Hater’ in itself is a cypher – a zero sum. Unlike ‘lover’ which can be a wonderful word on its own or when prefixed by jew-, nigger-, homo- etcetera and still make sense. Horrible sense, but sense. You get my drift here?
To state that the writer of a satirical article, dedicated to pricking the pomposity and swollen egos of the public’s celluloid/TV gods and goddesses (post-transfiguration, of course)is a hater means that perhaps you do not fully understand the nature of hate.
Or yet worse – that you too are engaged in assuring apotheosis for those people, whose job it is to merely entertain us and no more.
Morlock or Eloi? You’ll have to choose, unless you’re the one with the time machine.
(but thanks for trying to exclude me)
magnetite says
If you choose Morlock, come on in! We’re dining on Mickey Rourke’s career. Do you want a leg?
Or will it Eloi, and curling up with Hello and OK magazine to see if they’ve got nicer bog brushes in their houses than we do. That answer is most likely yes.
Have a leg.
nom. nom. nom