The world is full of bad ideas. The Nintendo DS. Ruby Wax. 4-5-1. But Simon Cowell has been busy cooking up the worst idea the world has ever seen – an X Factor movie.
Imagine how awful an X Factor movie is going to be. Go on, try.
You can’t, can you?
The high-trousered, Granny-faced pantomime git told The Sun:
"I’m
going to produce a film next year, not a million miles away from Pop
Idol or X Factor. It will feature two people trying to make a name for
themselves in the industry and all the heartache that goes with it. One
of the lead roles will be British, the other will be an international
name. One of the main roles will be available for an ordinary person.
We will hold auditions up and down the country to find a talented young
actor or actress for the role."
Oh,
thank God. It’s not going to be an actual movie about X Factor. That’s
good news – we won’t have to see Sharon Osbourne‘s weirdly mangled face
projected onto a giant screen. But still, you just know that whatever gets made
will be dreadful. Why?
Because Simon Cowell doesn’t rate creativity very highly. Why spend money on
songwriters when you can force people into singing Unchained Melody for
the billionth time? So we haven’t got our fingers crossed for much in
the way of a complex emotional arc in this X Factor film.
Things like this have been done before, of course. When Kelly
Clarkson (CDs) won the first series of American Idol, a steamingly rubbish
pile of bad crap was rushed out as a movie. From Justin To Kelly
starred comedy-haired American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini and the pre-lovely
Clarkson, and it was such a hulking disaster that your eyes actually fell out if you sat through all of it. It was badly plotted,
badly acted and full of songs so bland that they barely existed.
From Justin To Kelly was written by Kim Fuller, brother of Pop Idol
impresario Simon Fuller, and the man behind the gapingly awful S Club 7
TV series. So we’d normally expect that the X Factor film would be a
Kim Fuller fizzle, but Simon Cowell and Simon Fuller have fallen out
because X Factor might be similar to Pop Idol. So the film will
probably be written by another slack-jawed fool instead.
It doesn’t take too much of a stretch to guess what the film is
going to be like. There’ll be the hilarious ‘bad singers’ part, then
the bit where our hero is so stricken with nerves during the audition that they nearly don’t get chosen to go through to the next round.
There’ll probably be another singer who tries to sabotage our hero
before they get their comeuppance.
And, of course, there’ll be a judge character who is famous for being nasty but really has a heart of gold.
Read more:
It’s the X Factor movie – The Sun
[story by Stuart Heritage]