Nicole Kidman has made flops for five years, so now she’s going to change that – by making a film about Nicole Kidman’s penis.
According to reports, Nicole Kidman has signed up to play Einar Wegener – the world’s first male-to-female post-op transsexual – in a movie adaptation of the novel The Danish Girl. It sounds like playing Wegener could be the biggest gamble of Nicole Kidman’s career, but we’re certain that she’ll cope with it.
Why? Two reasons. Firstly, Nicole Kidman’s face is now so unsettlingly immobile that at least if she has a penis flapping about between her legs we’ll be able to know when she’s sexually aroused, which is one more identifiable emotion than she’s been able to convincingly deliver recently. Secondly, Nicole Kidman knows about getting your dick removed – she did get divorced from Tom Cruise, remember.
Nicole Kidman has made some blinding movies lately, hasn’t she? Like that one where she had it off with a 10-year-old boy because she thought he was her dead husband. That was a good one, although not as good as the one where she played a woman famous for taking photos of a hairy man. Oh, and who can forget the remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers where she screams a lot and beats up little Asian kids with a bed?
However, chances are you didn’t see any of those movies because, well, because nobody did. Just like nobody saw Bewitched, The Golden Compass or Margot At The Wedding. In fact, things have got so bad for Nicole Kidman professionally that she was recently named the worst-value actress in Hollywood.
And now that Nicole Kidman has taken some time out to have a baby and give some genuinely uncomfortable interviews about it, it’s time for her to make her dramatic comeback. How does she plan to do that? By getting her agent to seek out a surefire blockbuster for her to star in? By securing a small part in a comedy to show that she can make fun out of herself, Tom Cruise-style?
No. Nicole Kidman has decided to stage her comeback by making a film about a man who his his willy chopped off. Worse still, it’s a Danish man. Reuters reports:
The Australian actress will star in and produce “The Danish Girl,” based on the true story of Danish artists Einar and Greta Wegener… Greta encouraged her husband to adopt [a] female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.
Of course, Nicole Kidman should find playing a man particularly easy – her rigid batlike face makes it perfect to convey masculine suppressed emotion, for instance, plus she’s married to Keith Urban and he’s a man. She should get into practise for the role by copying his mannerisms. Not all of them, obviously, because we’re not sure how many Danish transsexuals from the 1930s were roaring drunk rednecks who look, act and talk exactly the same as Sawyer from Lost, but some of them.
But still, it’s easy to see why Nicole Kidman has decided to play a post-op transsexual. After all, she won an Oscar for playing a lesbian in The Hours, and Hilary Swank won an Oscar for play a transgendered boy, so it seems certain that The Danish Girl will be an expressway to Oscar glory for her. Provided, of course, that the Academy introduces a category for Best Shameful Pandering To Oscar Voters By A Woman Rendered Inscrutable By What Appears To Be Botched Cosmetic Surgery. It’s in the bag if that happens.
Sarah says
They talk so disrespectfully towards her. No one should be treated in such a disgusting cruel manner. No matter what they look like. Honestly, it’s like acting worse then a bully in elemetary school. She is truely a very kind human being, you can just tell by her manerisms in talks shows and stuff. So please, have a heart, everyone has feelings. I think she has been looking rather fine right now, more natural and beautiful.
Bobbie Lee says
I have nothing against Nicole Kidman. What is bothering me is using a born female to play a transsexual role in a movie. I don’t get it, you cant find a real Transsexual for the part? You could even use someone who has not compleated her SRS. I just cnat undrestand it.
Bobbie