We Need To Talk About Kevin is one of those films where everybody says they loved it for its gritty portrayal of a mother coming to terms with the fact her misunderstood son killed a load of people at school for no apparent reason, making everyone throw their hands in the air and scream ?WHY GOD???, even those who haven't seen the bloody film.
The truth is that it's as tedious as a GCSE drama piece about growing up in North Wales.
The translucent skinned, Tilda Swinton, was the only woman that could have played the part of Eva, Kevin?s mother, as she plodded about town looking like somebody with Dutch Elm disease.
It's a film filled with terrible and obviously dumbed down metaphors. The trailer, of course, gives none of this away. It portrays it as a tense thriller, nay horror, which goes something like this:
There's a boy. He looks a bit shifty. His hair is so emo it probably cuts itself. He doesn't do what his mum tells him. He kills his schoolmates. HORROR ENSUES!!!!
And, no, it doesn't. The only part where the audience actually gasped at such horror was the scene where Tilda Swinton was seen wearing make-up, and even then, you still wouldn't.
There are three Kevin?s in this film. Toddler Kevin, played by Rock Duer, a kid with the most evil stare in history (we?ll probably end up seeing him on the news having strangled his entire family with a pair of Huggies pull-ups soon); Jasper Newell, the child Kevin (if only they?d have called in Super Nanny, all this death would have been avoided); and Ezra Miller, who plays the teenage Kevin (Twilight written all over his pale, stupid face).
The film trudges through on apparent shock scenes where a toddler won't do what he's told, a small boy refuses to eat his greens, and teenage onanism. All of which can be seen in the hecklerspray flea-pit on a day-to-day basis… and you don’t see us massacring everybody.
If you've read the book, then you will know that it's supposed to all be written as letters to the estranged father, played by John C. Reilly. A man who does not appear to be in any way estranged throughout the entire film. Unless ?estranged? actually means ?there throughout the entire film’.
The tedium is the theme. In one, long scene involving red paint removal, the audience is left wondering why Mum didn't just use Dulux One Coat and have done with it… but of course it's all about the bloody metaphor isn't it? She struggles. WE GET IT! STRUGGLES WITH DECORATING!
This film is, however, beautifully shot. It's like director, Lynne Ramsay, has seen every episode of Grand Designs and molded it into a nearly two hour-long jerkathon for anybody that likes-that-sort-of-thing. Like Kevin McCloud, everything about this film feels incredibly forced. Like a bad Crimewatch reconstruction. Only sponsored by Barker and Stonehouse.
Tilda Swinton will probably get an Oscar for her performance. But nobody will know why.
This was a guest article by Jamie Rothwell who looks like crap warmed up
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Moog says
I will never go to the cinema to see something so turgid but if there is nothing else on I might catch it on BBC2 at 1.45am through matchsticks. This is not why I wrote. Just wanted to congratulate the writer. Very well written piece.
Octobrrr says
Thanks, Heckler Spray. You’ve just saved me
Jim says
I wish trolling review sites were funnier than this or at least the slightest bit coherent.
arzkazoo says
“Tilda” looks like an art deco transvestite and watching paint dry is far more interesting than any of her “performances”.