The cinema is a factory shop-floor of idiot workers munching popcorn whilst an all seeing eye pumps out words and images from a mondo moving eyeball leaving you pinned in your seats, noses flexing at the smell of BO and the disinfectant from the nearby bogs.
Hollywood really brings the glamour to the UK huh?
That said, people persist on going to the movies to watch films in a giant room full of other people watching the same thing and sometimes fingering each other’s orifices on the back row. The sensible amongst you wait ’til DVD release so you can fart away without being tutted at by rotund widows from Dorchester or wherever flabby lonely types reside.
Anyway, there’s a whole bunch of new releases in the top 5 grossing grossly things this weekend, which you’ll be thrilled to read about no doubt. There’s wimpy, repossession and more fun to be had over the jump.Once again, Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland (aka Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter’s Burton Approved Continuing Pension Fund) sits atop the charts, presumably probing critics into muttering about the need for escapism during these difficult financial times.
It’s looking like Burton’s newest flick could be a decent challenger for Biggest Film of 2010, wrestling with James Cameron’s hippie sci-fi fest, Avatar. 3D, it seems, goes a long way.
1. Alice in Wonderland grossed $34,500,000 at the weekend, which must be nice for all concerned.
2. Diary of a Wimpy Kid is a new entry this week and features a kid called Greg Heffley. He thinks schools is the dumbest idea ever invented. Well, you would with a stupid name like that. He thinks everyone in it is a moron, which leaves our hero coming up with a bunch of schemes which all hilariously go wrong. Whose the moron now, Heffley? $21,800,000
3. The Bounty Hunter stars Jennifer Aniston, who presumably covered up her constantly broken little sparrow heart to perform in a film that, sadly, isn’t a biopic of Dog The Bounty Hunter. $21,000,000
4. Repo Men Not the film from the ’80s which was shit, but rather, a new one which features some dystopian future where organs can be bought on credit. Now, we’re not talking about Bontempi organs, but things like hearts, which you vapid gits wouldn’t know a thing about. Here’s a sum of money. $6,151,000
5.? She’s Out of My League is another Average Schmuck meets Fit Woman tale which invariably contains pratfalls and gooey, sentimental rubbish. People hoover junk like this up like pukeless bulimics. $6,015,000
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