Strange to think that Amy Winehouse used to win awards, isn’t it? Real awards for being good at music and stuff.
Not awards for being drunk. Not awards for overdosing on drugs, or punching fans, or making a noise like a kitten being pushed through a waste disposal unit when she sings. Actual awards. Brits and Grammys and Ivor Novellos and stuff. It’s good in a way, because no matter how catastrophic her life gets, Amy Winehouse will always have a reminder of her natural talent; she’ll always have something to live for.
Except that Amy Winehouse apparently treats her awards with such a lack of respect that her dad Mitch Winehouse has decided to keep them at his house. Rumours that he clutches them to his chest at night pretending that they’re actually his could not be confirmed.
Actually, you can’t blame Mitch Winehouse for taking Amy’s awards. Music awards have a surprisingly high street value in the drug trade – an Ivor Novello can usually be traded for a bag of heroin as big as a dog’s head, a Grammy can get you enough PCP to contaminate an entire city’s water supply like in Batman Begins and a Brit… well, actually a Brit can only really get you a single paracetamol pill with the word ‘drugs’ written on it in biro. Nobody really likes the Brits.
So with that in mind, we’re going to sincerely congratulate Mitch Winehouse for confiscating all of Amy Winehouse’s awards. Sincerely. Digital Spy reports:
The ‘Back To Black’ singer has won a host of awards, including five Grammys and three Ivor Novellos since her rise to fame in 2003, but Mitch insisted if he does not look after them they will get damaged. Her told OK: “I went round to Amy?s flat in Camden and one of her Ivor Novellos was lying on the floor with clothes on top of it, so I said, ‘That's it!’. So she doesn’t get to keep anything!”
And at least Mitch Winehouse knows how to treat those awards correctly – by polishing them to within an inch of their life, having the word ‘Amy’ scratched out and ‘Mitch’ engraved over the top, and holding them in his hands while he reels off at least one pretend acceptance speech for each of them every day.
So take that, critics of Mitch Winehouse. He’s an actual hero. After all, he’s preventing Amy Winehouse’s awards from getting very slightly scratched, and isn’t that everyone’s biggest concern about her? Yes, yes it is. Well done, Mitch!
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