There are many ways that you can describe Michael Jackson.
Record executives still see him as a beacon of light when it comes to generating income for their label with re-released editions of albums. Millions of people suffer near fatal enjoyment when they try and reach the high notes in Earth Song.
Oddly, Michael Jackson offered an untapped source of comedic material that left many bewildered, confused and worried. From Jesus Juice, bad surgery and drug addiction, it seemed possible that nothing else could emerge to make us laugh. However,there are now reports that Michael Jackson wanted to pay for an operation for his pet monkey Bubbles to get human vocal chords. Looks like Bubbles was set to be the vocalist on Scream and Janet Jackson was nothing but a poor stand-in.
We get the feeling that perhaps Michael had been exposed to a little too much TV, and his fragile little brain had confused reality and film. Perhaps after watching the horrid remake of Planet Of The Apes, he wanted to own his personal talking beast. It's been well documented that humans evolved from monkeys and apes, so why not give evolution a creative kicking, Michael Jackson style?
At times, it seemed worrying that a monkey was given more attention than his own children. Perhaps it was because Michael had to change the soiled nappies of his children and Bubbles just shit at his own free will and tossed it around. Being an animal meant he could never get in trouble. Don't even think about getting a giant animal nappy, mind. That would just be silly.
After mastering the art of walking, smiling like a goon, peeling bananas and waving, the next logical progression for any monkey is talking. One slight problem, though, monkeys don't have vocal chords like humans, parrots or the monsters that hide under our bed. So what's the solution? In true American fashion, throw some money at the issue until it's solved or partially botched. La Toya Jackson ? also known as one of the less important Jackson?s said:
?He wanted to give him vocal chords and asked doctors, ‘Can I give him an operation so that I can know what his thoughts are??
No normal doctor would agree to the procedure, but hey, Dr. Conrad Murray might have fancied his chances. Just because he dishes out tablets left, right and centre doesn't mean he can't operate does it? Erm? possibly and, come to think of it, for a man who looks like he'd have difficulties buttering a piece of toast, the thought of him waving a surgical knife around frightens us slightly.
Why Michael Jackson wanted to get close to Bubbles is still beyond us. If anything, domestic pet owners would benefit more from the technology as their cuddly kitten or excitable pooch could furiously scream ?I badly need a piss?. Cleaning bills for urine-soaked carpets would be a thing of the past.
The only option realistic option that Michael Jackson ever had with Bubbles to get him to communicate was by operating him like a puppet. But we guess Bubbles wouldn't like an anal fisting.
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BAB DA FLARE says
WHAT THE FUCK ARE U TALKING ABOUT BITCH!!!!!!! MICHAEL JACKSON FAILURE 352 BITCH!!!!!! HE DID MORE STUFF IN HIS LIFE THEN U WILL EVER DO IN YOUR SORRY ASS LIFETIME BITCH!!!!!! YES WILL ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN OUR LIFE BUT PICKING ON SOMEONES ELSE FAULTS DOES NO MAKE AN EXCUSE!!!!!! IM TALKIN TO THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS STORY MATTHEW LAIDLOW… WHO EVER THE FUCK THIS IS!!!! U ARE JUST ANOTHER BITCH ASS HATER IN THIS WORLD WHO LIKES TO TALK SHIT ABOUT ANOTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!!! BASTARD ASS HOE NIGGA!!!! BET U WON’T SAY THAT SHIT IN FRONT OF HIS FANS BITCH!!!!!!! FAILURE 352 MY ASS HE WILL CONQURE ANY BULLSHIT THING THAT WILL HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!!! NOW THAT’S REAL COMING FROM A TRUE GANSTA BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIP MJJ
US FANS WILL DEFEND U FROM ANY ASSHOLE OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kristina says
Lame article. It’s bs. Matthew, I’m sorry for saying this but you don’t seem very intelligent. Maybe you should choose another profession. Oh, and please keep your filthy thoughts to yourself. Michael probably did a lot of silly things that made us laugh and think he was a little crazy but picking on someone like that is not fair. Take a look at yourself. In fact, it seems to me that writing an article as this one just makes you the one to laugh at. Have a wonderful week. I hope you will come to your senses.
franchesca says
scientist try to communicate with animals all the time, don’t many pet owners wish they could talk to their pets so why be an ass about this because it’s michael jackson, i don’t get this rude kind of humor, i’m sure there are other ways to attract readers.
Nellieo says
So, Matthew Laidlow…it’s you again, dishing out another ridiculous, malicious story about Michael Jackson. Do you have some kind of obsession or what? The only one with the “fragile little brain” appears to be YOU. As soon as a story begins “according to LaToya Jackson” the reader should immediately STOP, tear it up into little pieces and flush it. She sold that story to that British rag because she is a ridiculous and unscrupulous sister who will do and say anything to be in the spotlight and get a little $$$. Michael probably did wish Bubbles could speak. So what? I have wished my dog could speak many times. He probably said something like “wouldn’t it be great if there was some kind of operation that could allow Bubbles to talk?” WOW, that’s quite a scathing indictment! Compare this to his having given well over $300 million to charities just in his lifetime. Where’s THAT story? Why don’t you write something about that?
As for Michael Jackson offering “an untapped source of comedic material that left many bewildered, confused and worried. From Jesus Juice, bad surgery and drug addiction” None of that was “offered” by him. It was foisted upon him by jealous, greedy, attention-seeking people much like yourself. The man had Lupus, he had 3rd degree burns on his scalp, both of which necessitated plastic surgery. He had Vitiligo which caused him to lose the pigment in his skin. That sounds “funny” to you? You are as sick as they come. The term “jesus juice” was from the extortionist family (not Jackson)that tried to get $$$ from Jackson and ended up in court where they were exposed for the lying crooks that they were and where Michael Jackson was found “NOT GUILTY”
Stop regurgitating the same misinformation and look into the FACTS before continuing to slander this poor man.
To find out about the REAL Michael Jackson stop reading Matthew Laidlow and check out these two sites:
http://www.voiceseducation.org/content/case-study-caricature
http://www.reflectionsonthedance.com
Matthew laidlow says
Matt laid…what a load sh*t! go hang yourself from a tree. Obviously a failed journalist looking for some attention! Knob!
JC says
Excuse me, but FUCK your stupid article…seriously.
Michael Jackson is loved and never failed at ANYTHING!!!!!. :)
Marie says
The media is still making fun of Michael Jackson.He was a genius and a very generous man who contributed a lot to art and pop culture.This article is biased and disrespectful to the legacy of Michael Jackson.
Brian says
Well said, thank you! RIP Michael Jackson
sakhi says
Last month, British journalist Charles Thomson’s, devastating article ‘One of the Most Shameful Episodes in Journalistic History’ exposed the media’s grossly inaccurate coverage of the Michael Jackson trial. Using trial transcripts and extensive quotes from the media’s coverage, Thomson showed how certain newspapers, magazines and TV channels actively lied about what was going on inside the courtroom, fabricated evidence of Jackson’s guilt and omitted any testimony which proved his innocence.
But despite being published by one of the biggest websites in the world, the Huffington Post, the article was ignored by the media. We can’t let the media keep suppressing the truth about the Michael Jackson trial. If the media won’t cover the facts on their own, lets give them a push in the right direction.
Lets start by petitioning Rev Al Sharpton – a defender of MJ who interviewed Aphrodite Jones when her book came out – to invite Charles onto his radio show and interview him about the Michael Jackson trial. Rev Al’s radio show reaches a huge audience all over America and a global audience on the internet. It could get the truth about MJ’s trial to millions of people.
Rev Al’s communications officer is Rachel Noerdlinger.
You can email her at: [email protected].
Please include in your email the link to Mr Thomson’s email address:
http://www.charles-thomson.net
Please write to Ms Noerdlinger telling her how many thousands of people would tune into Reverend Sharption’s radio show to hear him interview Charles Thomson about the Michael Jackson trial. Please also include the link to Mr Thomson’s explosive article at the Huffington Post: http://tinyurl.com/37bxbem.
This campaign is being undertaken without communication with Mr Thompson, but we hope he will appreciate our efforts and be willing to be interviewed if Reverend Sharpton’s team get in touch with him as a result of this campaign.
Don’t let the media bury important information about MJ’s trial. If we all focus on this goal now, we will be playing a vital part in helping to change the narrative.
Pay it forward!
Tia says
Wow Matthew you don’t look too popular at the moment. Why are trying to insult someone who is dead? That’s pretty low.
"scott" says
…may God have mercy on this poor mans soul…and yes I am talking about the author of this hateful garbage…where is the accountability?? Don’t click on any adds for this looser or his company. And consider a letter to his company. I hope God works on him…he is probably mad and this is how he deals with it…to bad I had to read it I want my 5 minutes back! Maybe google can start a rating feature that shows up in the search engine so that this hateful stuff can be avoided next time.
Cookie Monster says
Hi, this is Bubbles. Typing, I can do, with my non-human digits; I like to tweet lots with BAB DA FLARE!!!!!!!!!!
You wouldn’t joke about fisting if you saw these mits. Master Jackson didn’t joke about fisting either, he was always very serious, scientifical, in fact. Thank the monkey gods that he didn’t do invasive things, and I lived (see, this is factual internetical proof http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Did_bubbles_the_chimp_who_is_Michael_Jackson%27s_monkey_die).
You haters never think of the monkey, do you? I’m just an honest chimp, with some pooping issues, trying to get-by in a world without Master Jackson’s fists (full of cash). Don’t judge me BAB!!!!!!!!
Mark says
Matthew, you are just TOO mean!
Mark says
….and you are a downright GROSS & NASTY jerk-off (in more ways than one) Eeeewwww!
ffsdfsdf says
Your afuckin retard…go ask your boyfriend to give you “anal fisting” since you seem so interested in it…
Steve Charnock says
Laidlow – You a bitch ass punk ass sonofabitch. Ass.
Steve Charnock says
Shit, I left my name on that…
Mooshie says
Is this what passes for journalism these days? Get a life, and get a girlfriend Matthew. Perhaps that way you can get over your unhealthy preoccupation with a man whose shoe is more meaningful than your existence.
Long Live the King of Pop.
Keep The Faith says
What aload of BS !!
Why on earth do you feel the need to take a stab at a man who has been ridiculed and humiliated for most of his life then continue it when he can no-longer stand up for himself ?
It’s cowardly and you very clearly have nothing better to do with your time than mock a great genius and talent like Michael, I really pitty the likes of you because if that is how you get your kicks in life then there really is nothing left.
This is a vile and vindictive peice of BS that needs to be gotten rid of very soon !!
hoohaahee says
lol @ the fucking morons posting criticism on a COMEDY WEBSITE.
As you have no grasp of subtlety, irony or humour, do the rest of the world a favour: shut the fuck up.
oh and also: michael jackson was a drugged up, identity disordered paedophile. jus’ sayin.
Jam says
People like hoohaahee are the by-products of people like Matthew Laidlow. In spite of them, the truth will prevail.
budsgirl11954 says
Another example of someone who did not take the time to find out the true facts about Michael Jackson. Sensationalism sells and so the press has been on a 20 yrs binge of creating stories to make their profit. Join us at MJJJusticeProject… raise your voice with us.. On our forum we discuss and focus on ways to combat this type of continued biased imagery that keeps cropping up. It is apparent that the media has swayed public opinion against one of the worlds most philanthropic and humanists of our century!!
It’s time.. to set the record straight!!
Sakhi I support your endeavor and I will be asking our followers to post the comment you made here, on twitter.
We must all work together.. individually we are weak…but united WE have a voice!!
We must be MJ’s VOICE..
It’s TIME!
hoohaahee says
@jam
Yes indeed the truth WILL prevail. As it did right up until literally hours before the first molestation trial of Michael Jackson, when his defence team told MJ to pay the boy concerned TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS or face being exposed and jailed (as he should have been). Multiple jurors in the second trial stated they believed he was guilty.
As another bad guy (joseph goebbels) once infamously said:
“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”
How stupid all you people basing your judgments on emotion, not reason, will look when the truth finally emerges about Michael jackson.
Also, MJ was famous for spouting absolute bollocks:
two white, blue eyed children from a coloured person? Obviously.
Robin says
Its ok, say what you want. Stories like this just goes to show how much time you have on your hands, since you cant get a job as a real writer. And know for sure that by posting articles like this, don’t get your hopes up about ever being a respected member of society. You have to expect all the unkind words like what you read, you probably get off on it. But for me that is what sets you miles apart from Michael, he had the grace to live his life and without saying a bad word against anyone. So who’s the bigger man here? My money is on Michael and he had every reason to be angry, ya’ll ruined his life and ultimately killed him with your lies. I think your just jealous and want to be more like Mike!
Fade To Black says
Once again the loyal MJ fans have fallen victim to yet another media prankster just trying to get a rise out of them. When will we ever learn, huh? The fans’ cause is noble, yes, but as long as there is evil and unaccountability in this world, you will never stop these idiots from their acts of printed violence and misconduct. We need stiffer laws and higher monetary penalties for media slander, period. The way to handle these creatures for now is to JUST IGNORE THEM, same as you would a screaming, misbehaving child. It’s your attention they crave most and you are STILL feeding the animals! So just simply STOP!!! Clearly, MJ isn’t going to ever return to lead the charge either so it serves no purpose to battle these morons anymore. The greatest lesson you can teach them is dead silence and abstaining from the consumption of their products and rhetoric. Even MJ advocated this, remember? Eventually, just as MJ has done, the silence will win out and they too will fade to black. LET THEM BOTH GO in peace and move on with life and the pleasant memories he left us.
melissa says
wow!! really?? Matthew you are such an ass!! you are fuckin idiot!! @Bab da flare is right!! I bet you wouldn’t dare to say all the crap in front of MJ’s fans!!! Or would you?? Go hand your self….. I hopw you burn in hell :) ?
YOURMOM says
hoohaahee, that’s a stupid name! XD
Bob says
Only a fool would write an article so stupid.
Annie M says
My goodness me,aren’t Jackson fans a bunch of sensitive poppets? FWIW,this story is based on an item that appeared in the News of the World after they reportedly interviewed LaToya.Is it true? Being TNOTW,probably not. At the very least,LaToya knows the right buttons to push to generate a headline based on her deceased sibling’s eccentricities.If it is true,well it’s no weirder than any of his other er-quirks.
The fact is,Jackson lived what might kindly be called ‘an unconventional’ lifestyle.
Human nature being what it is,such behaviours will invite parody and derision.In a ideal world,the music would speak for itself. But it isn’t,so here we are.
Responding with a barrage of profanity-laden,misspelt poisonous drivel is probably the WORST thing Jackson fans could do.It’s called ‘biting like a rattlesnake’ and does nothing to dispel the notion that MJ fans are socially awkard dweebs who need a sense of humour transplant STAT.
Believe me,as a fan of another much derided late singer,John Denver,I am no stranger to websites putting the boot into a favorite entertainer.Gee,if you think being a Jackson fan is tough,try being a Denver fan. Once as big as Jackson(yes,it’s true,as those of us old enough can remember)-even when he was big he was widely mocked for his plain looks and over-enthusiastic manner.Alas, by the eighties,when Jackson was still considered cool,liking Denver was considered to be THE lamest thing to admit to.
We fans heard it all:the jokes about the $10 million offer to the Soviets to go into space(not true),the fact he was rejected by the ‘We are the World’ choir (despite his efforts for world hunger),his cavorting with the muppets.The press had a field day with his DUIs,his divorces,the chainsaw to the bed incident.Even the gruesome way he died led to whole websites of bad taste jokes.Hey,at least YOUR fave singer didn’t end up in so many bits they couldn’t use his dental records to ID him.
Fact is,Denver fans have heard it all and then some for some 40 yrs. Do we have a cow like Jackson fans? NO.Why? well,firstly,we recognize JD WAS just an infallible human being.Sometimes he DID screw up.We can admit drink-driving is an idiotic,selfish thing to do.
Secondly,some of those jokes are funny.(Look for the SNL ‘Sunshine on my nutsack sketch where Denver fans get a real pasting.)JD had a SOH about his image and even dared his fans to wear JD t-shirts!
Thirdly,there are more important things in life than the eccentricities of our favourite entertainers.
Lastly,you are not going to change anyone’s mind spouting a bunch of rage-filled insults.If you believe they have the facts wrong,gently & politely correct them or point them in direction of info that might change their mind. Oh,and Windows has a little thing called ‘spellcheck’ these days.
I liked some of MJ’s music.I think few people would argue against the point that he was fantastically talented.But had more of the people in his life had the courage not to say what he wanted to hear to stay on the gravy train,and used a little humour to point out some of his more destructive absurdities,he might be alive today.
As PJ O’Rourke says:”Lies are told with a straight face. The truth is said with a dismissive giggle.”
In short,lighten up MJ fans. Be a fan,enjoy the music,admit the foibles.Expecting anybody to be a god is too much of a burden for anybody.Jokes are just jokes.If you MUST get mad,at least wait 30 seconds before you send that foaming diatribe that makes your fandom look blind and all-excusing.You’ll be glad you did.
Ellah says
Go to hell!!! before that, go and check your mental health…RIP Michael..