Never let it be said that Madonna doesn't relish a challenge. Why just make do with singing a song, she reasons, when she could sing a song strapped to a gigantic mirrored crucifix for seeming no reason whatsoever.
And this approach extends to other aspects of Madonna's life. Why get married to a clever, attractive man when she could get married to Guy Ritchie? And, more importantly, why just bring a straw donkey back from holiday when she could bring back her very own adopted AIDS orphan? And that, as far as anyone knows, is the reason why Madonna is in Malawi at the moment – and she's apparently deciding which orphan to adopt by seeing which one flinches the least when she struts about in front of them showing off her 48-year-old vagina hidden behind her one of her horrific leotards.
Forget a tiny dog that you can carry around in a bag – this season the hottest item you could possibly want to own is a little adopted African orphan that belongs to nobody else but you. Angelina Jolie started the orphan adopting craze before deciding that just going to Africa to have a baby was as good as adopting a baby from Africa and – although Jessica Simpson has said she wants to adopt an African orphan, the nearest she's got to it has been to lose her voice for a bit which, when you think about it, isn't anything remotely close to adopting an African orphan.
As usual, it's up to Madonna to show these no-marks how to run things, just like she showed the church that crucifying yourself wasn't illegal in Germany, and just like she showed anybody who's even slightly equestrian-minded how to properly stack it off a horse. According to Reuters, Madonna is in Malawi – and she isn't coming back until she's got an orphan to adopt:
Pop diva Madonna arrived in Malawi on Wednesday to adopt an African child and fund an orphan centre for 1,000 children, many of whom lost parents to AIDS. A fleet of cars and trucks specially flown in whisked the "Material Girl" and her entourage to an undisclosed location soon after their private plane landed at Lilongwe. She came straight from the plane, greeted the minister (of women and development) in the VIP lounge, then (went) straight to her car," said Adrina Michiela, a government spokeswoman. Madonna has said she plans to spend at least $3 million (1.6 million pounds) on programmes to support orphans in Malawi and another $1 million to fund a documentary about the plight of children in the country. Madonna, who already has two children, is also making arrangements to adopt a child, according to the Malawi government, which is helping to locate a suitable candidate and planning to exempt her from a ban on non-resident adoptions.
Now, the more cynical of you might suggest that this is all a big bandwagon-jumping publicity stunt by Madonna and – if the rumours that the students at the orphan centre will be taught from a Kabbalah-based curriculum are true – a fairly self-serving one, too. Whatever the reasons, though, the $3 million that Madonna is thought to be scraping from her gigantic tour piggybank to invest in the orphan centre will come in desperately handy for the orphans of Malawi.
Plus, on top of all this, Madonna could come out of the visit with another child to love, hide their clothing and explain carefully why she isn't gay to. Almost enough to bring a tear to the eye, isn't it? Almost.
[story by Stuart Heritage]