As Moses gingerly led his people through thousands of deserts over the course of 40 or so years, it was with an incredibly important purpose.
And that purpose wasn’t so much to rescue Jehovah‘s favourite people from a life of impoverished slavery as it was to have an ancient religion for Lindsay Lohan to one day convert to in an effort to prove her undying gay affection to a rather ugly lesbian.
That being the case – it looks like Moses’ many efforts are about to pay off – Lohan is reportedly taking the Jewish plunge.
We imagine it was right after Samantha Ronson was officially declared a man at her bar mitzvah that Lindsay Lohan got to thinking about a full-fledged Jewish conversion. She probably saw Sam looking so happy as she read from the Torrah, smashed dinner plates on the floor, drew pictures of the wailing wall and delicately explained to the mohel how he needn’t even try as God had basically circumcised her in the womb.
We took many artistic liberties with the listing of those bar mitzvah activities. Our conscience demands we tell you this.
And Lindsay Lohan’s conscience demands she accept Judaism almost immediately – at least according to the Mirror. They said:
“…former party girl Lindsay is converting to Judaism ? to prove her devotion to Jewish Samantha…Lindsay has even made her decision ?official? ? by updating her Facebook profile to say ?I'm converting?. That's commitment. LiLo and Sam walked into the synagogue arm-in-arm for their first visit on Friday. When an onlooker asked the Hollywood starlet if she was converting, Lindsay revealed: ?I'm trying.?”
Well this sounds like it could bring some much needed healing to the Lohan/Ronson relationship – it’ll especially quell all the fist fights they always get into with each other over whether or not the current Pope would be able to pummel Noah should the opportunity ever arise. Sure that sounds trite, but we heard it’s what caused their Valentine’s fight.
The conversion will also serve several other purposes Lohan so desperately needs filled. It will help keep her grounded for one, and if she adheres to things strictly there’ll definitely be no more sniffing cocaine off of dead or dying pigs.
If she ever did that anyway.
But perhaps most importantly, a full-fledged Jewish conversion with a lesbian twist will bring her that much closer to her goal of one day hooking up with Anne Frank in any kind of Torrah-based afterlife. This, we sense, is what the whole Ronson fling has always been about anyway.
And really, can you blame her? Frank looks good on that book cover.
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Sarah says
gingerly? he he he – that was punny.