Ask yourself this – is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don't really care about?
Jessica Simpson doesn't seem to think so, because she's slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it's all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they've split up.
Let's hope that Jessica Simpson isn't just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because 'Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She's Sad And So, So Alone' is a headline that we're itching to use, you know.
Jessica Simpson doesn't have a whole lot going for her at the moment. Her reality TV show career crumbled around the same time that her marriage to Nick Lachey did, her movie career will live or die depending on how soon she's prepared to bite the bullet and slap her hooters out and musically she's been reduced to releasing Come On Over, a opportunistic country single that we presume to be about Bukkake. Even her rubbish sister is more famous than she is now.
But one thing Jessica Simpson does have is Tony Romo. She has him no matter what, because he sees the real Jessica Simpson. It doesn't matter how many curses Jessica puts on Tony's sporting career, how noxious Jessica's piss gets or how many times Tony tries to actively split up with Jessica in public forever – Jessica Simpson isn't going to let go of him, no matter how hard he tries to wriggle away.
And this glorious devotion was on prominent display when Jessica Simpson visited The View recently. Perhaps aware that her jaw is now growing exponentially in proportion to the rest of her face, the View ladies asked Jessica if she had any plans to lock Tony down as a husband before the jaw got so unwieldy that it started to upset her centre of gravity. We're paraphrasing.
Anyway, here's how Jessica Simpson answered:
"You know, we're still together. We've been together seven, almost eight months now, and I don't really know about wedding bells. But I still love him, and I'm still with him — and that's pretty good sign!"
So that relentless stream of reports about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo splitting up must be a dirty sack of lies, then. Still, even if they are still together Jessica Simpson must know only too well that 'I'm still with him and that's a pretty good sign' is nowhere near good enough. Who'll give her a reality TV show with that sort of inconclusive relationship status? Nobody, that's who.
If Jessica Simpson is serious about this relationship, she knows what she'll have to do – lie about her contraception and hope that the ensuing pregnancy will coax Tony Romo into a shame-based marriage proposal. Shotgun weddings are the Simpson family way, after all.
Peter Belisi says
Whatever!!!