So by now everyone on the face of the planet, even those who are blind or can’t afford to eat, have seen Iron Man.
With an opening weekend box office tally of $100 million, the list of records that Iron Man has broken is either stupendous or utterly, utterly dull depending on if you’re a massive spod or not. And if you are, then the news that Iron Man 2 is coming out in April 2010 will probably make your balls catch on fire.
What? You’d already guessed that based on the fact that the plot of Iron Man deliberately set up a sequel and that the entire Iron Man cast has signed on for a sequel and that Iron Man‘s a comic book movie and only really hopeless comic book movies about Ben Affleck being all blind and shit don’t get turned into sequels? Oh, suit yourselves.
So let’s look at the figures – Iron Man has had the most successful movie opening of the year and the second biggest non-sequel movie opening of all time. Worldwide, Iron Man has made almost $200 million in five days. Compare that to the $4 million that was the worldwide lifetime takings of Robert Downey Jr‘s last film Charlie Bartlett and you can see just how huge it is.
And that means one thing – Iron Man 2 is a complete inevitability. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it got terrible reviews. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it was about a farty pig. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it starred Jim Carrey. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it looked like this.
Which is why someone at Marvel has managed to find the time in their newly-loaded schedule of shoving fistfuls of caviar up their bottom, punching homeless men in exchange for $50 and ordering the poshest Thai bride in the catalogue to confirm Iron Man 2, even giving it a date. The Associated Press reports:
This weekend was just the beginning of Hollywood’s Iron age. Marvel Studios announced Monday it will release “Iron Man 2” on April 30, 2010, following the success of the first in the comic-book franchise, which pulled in $104.2 million domestically since opening last Thursday and $201 million worldwide. Four other films based on Marvel superheroes also were announced: “Thor,” due out June 4, 2010; “The First Avenger: Captain America,” May 6, 2011; “The Avengers,” July 2011; and “Ant-Man.”
April 30? What are you thinking, Marvel? Don’t you know that’s Akon‘s birthday? As if people are really going to go and see the sequel to one of the most popular movies ever on the night that they traditionally stand around crying in their darkened bedsits humming Smack That and wishing they were married to Akon regardless of their gender. Why didn’t you think it through, Marvel?
Anyway, look at all of those other movies that Marvel has planned. Exciting, huh – especially The Avengers. Who’d be able to resist the charms of a film that not only stars Iron Man, but the bound-to-be-disappointing Incredible Hulk, an off-puttingly patriotic Smurf and a long-haired tit with a hammer? Yay!
But for now let’s just focus on the gigantic success that is Iron Man and look forward to Iron Man 2. Because it’s only after one vastly successful sequel that the fans will get what they want – a confusing, overlong third movie that features various needless scenes of Robert Downey Jr cooking omelettes, dancing the twist and getting infected by an alien that gives him weird emo haircuts.
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Dallas says
>movies about Ben Affleck being all blind and shit
If someone ever makes a movie specifically about Ben Affleck being shit, I’d probably go see it.
I mean, I know that Ben Affleck is shit (everyone does) but it might be interesting to see someone else’s authoritative take on the subject. Especially if there are explosions.
d.
Beth says
I’d settle for a movie where they actually blind him. But I’m relatively sure that’s illegal.
Austin says
I know ben affleck aint the greatest, but he was ausome sh shut ur trapabout him
phee says
robert downey jr owns u fat tard