The Americans, having nicked IASGMOOH from us, have failed to understand what makes the thing watchable: instead of cheeky Ant and Dec, they've got Myleene Klass hosting. A woman who donates sap, rather than blood.
Desperate as we are to witness talentless unknowns humiliate themselves on the telly, we genuinely can't wait for the news season of America's Got Talent. That doesn't start until June 23rd, but NBC love us so much they've provided a little bit of televisual methadone, pending the arrival of the heroin shipment.
After the jump, we introduce you to one half of the stale celebrity idiots. Today: the boys.
The initial teams have been formed by reference to contestants? sexual organs. You've got boobs and a froo-froo? Girls? team. You own a todger? Boys? team for you.
Which caused some confusion when it came time to allocate Janice Dickinson, but the producers have gone with ?lady?.
Lou Diamond Phillips. Star of La Bamba, Young Guns and Extreme Justice. Show Highlight: beating a crooked politician?s wife in a game of ?Eat The Tarantula?. Little Known Fact: LDP rarely smiles because, in accord with ancient Cherokee custom, his teeth were replaced with eagles? beaks when he was a child.
John Salley. Apparently used to play in the NBA, which is some kind of American netball league. Show Highlight: sorry, big John, you were so inoffensive ? and we care so little for American sportspeople ? that we failed at any point to register your presence. Take it as a compliment: it means you weren't the kind of horrible little wanksplash who gets voted into having to drink snake venom from a lizard?s arsehole. Speaking of which?
Spencer Pratt. Vainglorious puddle of sleaze from MTV?s The Hills. Show Highlight: Was given a plate with a stick insect on it and challenged to eat the beastie quicker than the fat little lady from the other team could. Decided to ram the insect, and the decorative flower it was sat on, into his mouth and gagged a bit. Thus he achieved the almost impossible and made himself look a bigger tool than The Hills did. Little Known Fact: scientists use Spencer as a fixed marker on the ?Self-Regarding Celebrity Turds? scale. He lies exactly halfway between Chris Martin and The Other Ones From Coldplay.
Stephen Baldwin. No, not the one from 30 Rock. No, no, no, not him out of Backdraft, either. Stephen, lots of tattoos, starred in The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas. Okay, you've got him now. Seems like he?ll be good value here, though. Show Highlight: being bitten by a ?bullet ant? seconds before going live on air for the Trauma Tank. Manned it out like a true pro.
Sanjaya Malakar. Oh, go on, you do. Him with the daft hair off of American Idol last year. Show Highlight: when challenged to eat a huge chunk of iguana?s tail, he simply flung the thing into the back of his gob and swallowed. We are finding it so hard not to connect that last sentence with his surprisingly extended stint on Idol, judged of course by Simon Cowell. Damn you, libel laws. Little Known Fact: Sanjaya says that his hair heroes include Robert Pattinson (?mmm, silky?), Donald Trump (?aah, flappy?) and Susan Boyle (?ooh, pubey?).
That's it for the boys. Tomorrow we shall bring you the female contestants. And we?ll go with the producers, and chuck Janice in there, too.
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Sarah says
It’s so true. I’m Canadian but have enjoyed the UK version of I’m a Celeb for awhile now. However it should be clear to just about everyone that Ant and Dec and their constant banter and antics are pretty much the only thing that make the show worth watching. The celebs are going to whine and complain no matter what country they’re from, it’s the hosts’ job to make that watchable and interesting, not just read scripted jokes in a lifeless tone to one another whilst staring blankly in to the camera. Sigh…
Scott says
Haven’t watched it, probably will not watch it. But love your re-caps and will read those. :)
LMQ says
This is the most stupid show I have ever seen. Seems like they are not really sure what they are supposed to do. And using the same bugs, rats and snakes for challenges is stupid. As for Stephen Baldwin and janice Dickinson and Lou Phillips why on earth would you degrade yourself by being on this ridiculous show even tho it is for charity. It should be taken off air immediately !!
james says
At least weve heard about these people before ,and you want to act like your somebody dumbass ,you need your mouth caved in and your head chopped off you fuckn idiot!!!!