I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (USA): Week Two Begins

Yes, we had to check that, too. But it’s true: it is only Week Two and not, as we had thought, Year Eighty-Nine.

But a week can be a long time in the jungle. Especially a jungle where pubey-bearded manchild Spencer Pratt spends 19 hours out of every day arguing with mahogany-faced leatherwoman Janice Dickinson.

The big story during the past week has been Speidi’s will-they/won’t-they shenanigans. Sadly, the issue in question is not “Will they or won’t they go crazy and kill each other using a machete, a coconut and a pint of the world’s most painfully toxic snake venom?”, but the rather more mundane “Will they be allowed to re-enter the camp and inflict their self-love on us for the rest of the show, or will they be sent back to Beverley Hills with their suitcases, label-free shampoos and a terrible case of the world’s most painfully toxic jungle fever?“.

Shame.

Ah well, this was always going to be a marathon, never a sprint. Which is unfortunate for Stephen Baldwin, who looks like doing anything more taxing than dialling for takeout Chinese would cause his heart to detach itself from his arteries, leap out of his mouth and run down the road, screaming “He never told me it would be like this“.

And so to tonight’s news in tiny little bites, each the size of Spencer’s self-awareness:

Janice and Sanjaya in the Trauma Tank: Both were voted in by the public. But what twisted show producer thought of putting Janice into a tank filled with water, frogs and reptiles? These are her brethren, you inhuman monsters.

Daniel Baldwin Gets Whiny: Baldwin number two,who looks like a pub-team footballer impersonating Robert De Niro, has spent his short time in camp complaining. Moaning about…oh, pretty much everything.? Janice, Heidi, Sanjaya, the way Monster Munch don’t taste the way they used to. Lighten up, Daniel: you’re being paid to lie on a hammock for a couple of weeks with nothing to worry about but whether you’ll be able to sneak a glimpse of Torri Wilson‘s titties as she gets dressed.

Janice Dickinson Is A Bit Of A Selfish Bitch: Janice, a woman who is half human and half pork scratching, is the subject of some resentment amongst the other junglemates. Seems they don’t take kindly to one of their number being, effectively, nothing more than a talking strip of rawhide who just sits around all day squawking like a flock of crows being fed into a woodchopper.

Heidi Montag Gets Ambulanced To Hospital: Many tears were shed in camp as Heidi, suffering from the effects of a celery and prayer diet in the hundred degree jungle, was taken away for urgent medical attention. True, they were tears of laughter and relief, but don’t let that fool you: the celebs will miss her and her turdhole husband, for who now will walk around shrieking “Jesus Christ is here!” like an autistic priest? Hilariously, Heidi was taken to the local hospital, which apparently modelled itself on a South American TV documentary series called Mexican Leprosy Clinics: The Inside Story. Get well soon, Heidi, because your teammates…no, ‘miss’ isn’t the word. Ah yes: despise. Your teammates genuinely despise you, you hideous tosspiece.

We shall return later in the week, with more IACGMOOH than you can shake a palm leaf at.

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