Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: a sign of the times. The end of times. If you haven't heard of it, your world is about to be shattered. The reality show focuses on Honey Boo Boo Child aka Alana, who appeared on the TLC hit Toddlers & Tiaras. She continues to compete in? Participate in? Show up for? pageants.
Alana has a, how do I say this? She has a family — Mama (the mom), Sugar Bear (Mama?s baby daddy), Chickadee (the pregnant 17 year old), Chubbs (the chubby one), Pumpkin (the annoying one). Here Comes Honey Boo Boo chronicles Alana and her family living in Georgia, competing to make her the best, prettiest, winningest pageant queen EVAR!!!
Don't be scared, the show has only wrapped its second week. That means we're not too behind. TLC airs two episodes at a time, back to back. I'm more of a one at a time, front to front kinda gal so I missed them both. But don't worry! I watched them so I could bring YOU up to date. So? just close your eyes. Okay. Let out a long, slow, squirty fart while you imagine a family of rednecks eating Cheetos for breakfast. Oh, and they're all simultaneously farting. Alright! Now you are caught up to speed.
Jk, jk. I would never spare you the beautimusness that is Honey Boo Boo and her fam. Here are just a few highlights that you missed. Read em and weep! Literally! Because the world is, in fact, gonna end! This is it!
Episode 1: This is My Crazy Family. We learn that Alana thinks Cheese Balls equals money. She also makes her belly talk (you know, like your weird drunk uncle used to do to make you laugh, but it just made you feel uncomfortable). Pumpkin bobs for raw pig?s feet at the Annual Redneck Fair. Mama is eloquent: “The temperature is very hot today, it’s hot as shit out here today. I mean, really, honestly.” Alana wishes flesh eating disease on swimmers. She also keeps it's really real: ?My momma weighs the most in my family because she’s fat… TRUE.? She participates is a natural beauty pageant. She does not place. She does cry. Mega sad!
Episode 2: Gonna Be A Glitz Pig. The family gets a pig, Glitzy. It's a dude-pig, they dress him up like a girl, but it's okay — he's gay. The episode is basically screaming (people AND pig) from start to finish. So it's for the best you watch it on mute. Don't worry! TLC provides subtitles. There is more of Alana?s belly talking which leads me to believe that her stomach is going to be a recurring character on the show. Pumpkin and Alana take etiquette lessons. They can't comprehend not-farting, so they give up pretty easy. The fam heads to a junk food auction, which is exactly what it sounds like. Chickadee, the 17 and pregnantess, gets an ultrasound. Alana gets one too. It is revealed that she's pregnant… with chicken nuggets! She explains where babies come from. SPOILER: It's innaccurate. Mama explains that her vagina looks like a Hardee?s biscuit. I explain that I must excuse myself to the bathroom to cry in the shower.
Onward and upward!
Episode 3: She Oooo’d Herself
The girls head to good ole Piggly Wiggly for some extreme couponing. But not before showing off their stock pile of products that line the kitchen walls.
That?is a lotta toilet paper.
Mama justifies the need for so much TP, because ?you gotta wipe your too-tay!? Yes. Of course. ?Mama also warns that the world over will be begging for supplies come the impending apocalypse. Pumpkin asks ?What's an uh-pocka-lip?? to which I replied via screaming at the television ?THIS. It's happening right now!?
The results of the shopping trip were pretty impressive: the groceries cost $130.02, but with all the coupons Mama only had to fork over $27.40.
Since Chickadee is about to pop a brand new generation of Honey Boo Boos, the fam is throwing her a baby shower. Alana is doing some arts & crafts in the bed with Glitzy, the pig.
At first I was thinking ?A pig? In the bed?? but later Glitzy was on the kitchen table. And there she shat.?Hahaha! Right? To think I was concerned about a pig in a human bed… Silly me! And by silly I mean depressed.
Alana is genuinely concerned about Glitzy?s safety. ?I hope mam don't eat glitzy. She eat everthan’ else.?
The girls are hot and bored. So they put together what they call a Redneck Slip N Slide: a tarp, baby oil, soap, with a mud puddle at the end. Turns out, this also doubles as the Saddest Slip N Slide.
Mama says Alana needs to step up her game if she wants to win the Rockstar Pageant in a few weeks. So she hires a new pageant coach who tells us that this pageant is a huuuuuge deal, so you gotta be perfection from head to toe. And believe you me, this woman fits that description to a T.
This is perfection from head to toe looks like. You better redneck-ognize!
The dance Alana learns is Elvis inspired. Alana explains that Elvis is Santa Claus?s helper. As in, makes toys at the workshop in the North Pole or whatever.
The girls all jump on the scale to track their weight loss. Chubbs lost 2 lb, Mama lost a few herself, but she doesn't wanna lose too much weigh too fast. Because that's kinda unhealthy. Then again, so is letting a pig shit on the kitchen table, but I guess in this crazy, mixed up world you gotta choose your battles.
They throw a baby shower for baby Kaitlyn. There was a bottle chugging contest, in which the competitors try to be the first to finish a baby bottle full of apple juice. Mama won because she bit the nipple off, but she also swallowed it so, did she really win? Really? I call it a wash.
?Episode 4: I’m Sassified!
This episode we're celebrating Mama and Sugar Bear?s anniversary. They?ve been shackin? up for about 8 years now and never really gone on a date, so the pressure is ON. Mama takes herself and girls out to get their spas (not my words). Mama and Alana get facials while the other girls get pedicures.
Mama refuses to expose her raggedy tootsies, revealing she had her foot run over in a forklift accident. So she does what any logical person would do — she requests they pedicure her sock.
One spas employee described the experience as an experience.
?It wasn?t a good experience… It was an experience. I need to go home now.?
Mama and Sugar Bear leave for their?hot date. He seems real hard up for some of Mama?s biscuit (I know, I hate myself for saying it like that, too). He's pulling all the stops. He opens doors for her, takes her to the local cafeteria and, with a rose in his mouth, presents a gift: a big bronze deer statue. Mama does not approve. “I’m not into, uh, statues and stuff.” Sugar Bear can't understand where he went wrong, ?We gotta connection with deer, because we like to get road kill and we like to clean it, grind it up, process it, put in the freezer, and then on the weekends we grill out and have a good time.? That is… I just… Okay. Look, Sugar Bear clearly put a lot of thought into this gift and, uh, it’s… the thought that counts.
Mama and Sugar Bear return to find the girls have used the apocalypse toilet paper to decorate the house. She's pissed. She SAYS it's because the girls were being wasteful, but you and I both know she's really just worried for her too-tay. What will become of it if there is not a surplus of TP?
I think the most poignant moment of the entire show so far is Alana?s proclamation:
?Okay, lemme explain this to yall — Mama does not appreciate anything Sugar Bear does for her.?
:(
On that note?
Don’t miss tonight’s episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TLC!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
alex says
This makes everyone from GA look like dumb hicks. I hate to stereotype but this really upsets me because i am from GA. It is funny and i wouldn’t blame anyone for laughing. This whole family makes Southerners look bad. End of story.
Linda says
I love honey boo boo and her family.This show is very entertaining and I look forward to it every week. Alana is adorable although she needs to practice more to win the grand supreme. You go girl!
Madison says
I love here comes honey boo boo