Charlie Sheen, we barely knew ye. You were fun while it lasted, but alas, you can now slope off to the obscurity from whence you came because, the long and the short of it is, we’ve heard that you’re now “absolutely” sober.
We officially don’t care.
When we look at your list of achievements, not one of them includes a film of yours. We genuinely don’t like you as an actor. We like you as a drug taking, always drunk, sex-obsessed maniac, teetering on the lip of the yawning chasm of death. Not this.
Let us look at what made you so entertaining to write about in the first place.
You were discovered in a hotel room with a prostitute. You beat a chandelier up. You tried to have a polyamorous relationship and ballsed it up. You stood on top of a building, wobbling around with a machete. You told us you were made of tiger blood. You had a suitcase of cocaine. You had pills to keep your heart going. You cried while discovering the fourth dimension while watching Jaws on a boat. You made your ex-wife cry. You made a woman cry in a hotel room while she cowered in a cupboard.
And now? You’re in a “mellower” state and can’t remember exactly how long you’ve been free of drink and drugs?
On The Today Show’, Charlie said:
“I don’t really keep track of the time. It’s been a while. Things are a lot calmer. It’s a lot mellower.”
“I really don’t know what happened. It was one of those things where the planets were aligned, perfectly or imperfectly. I said some stuff and then it caught such traction globally and instantly that I couldn’t really put out the fire.
“From one moment to the next, I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was pretty exciting.”
It was exciting. It was really funny too. We thought you were going to die on us. We thought you’d keep us in laughs for a lifetime.
Then you went and realised that you were a real person with a family and sorted yourself out. Charlie, why did you bother? You were better to us all as a wreck.
You could have been somebody. Now you’re that guy from Hot Shots Part Deux.
RIP, sweet prince.
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