So, what's going on Eastenders next week? We've looked into it, so you don't have to. Lucky you. In short, it seems like a lot is literally happening, but at the same time, nothing is happening at all.
As we all know by now, Kat and Alfie are back. This will either make you feel like two best old pals are back together at last (as many teenagers and lonely housewives on twitter seem to feel) or, if you’re like us, you feel like you’ve? just been told you've got a serious illness.
Yep, the hateful Alfie Moon is back with his loathsome cheeky chappy charm, his stupid outfit and his spray on hair. Is it not a bit weird that Alfie has come back wearing exactly the same outfit he left in 4 years ago? Is he not a bit old for a leather trench coat? And could he really afford to take over the Queen Vic?
As for Kat, did we need another horrible gobby cockney harridan to go alongside Bianca and Roxy? Don't answer that, there?ll be another few along any minute.
Also, what happened to Spencer?
The rogueish Alfie back, but not alone, as his cheeky loveable rogue cousin, Michael is coming along any minute now. Michael is played by that guy who played Joe in the second series of This Life, and also played? no… that's all isn’t it?
He is handsome and cockney and will no doubt have the ladies all a flutter in the Queen Vic. But has he already got Kat all a flutter? Maybe a few months back, if you follow my drift? That's what you want to ask yourself.
Anyway, Alfie and Michael will immediately get into a ?hilarious? ruse where they try to fool the Walford Gazette about a life threatening illness, and Alfie ends up fooling them into believing that the Queen mum once sheltered in the pub to hide from a doodlebug.
Naturally the journalists at the paper don't bother to check it out, and initially believe him. That sounds so funny! What a card he is!
Meanwhile, Kat will seductively wait for Alfie in the caravan, but instead will be winched up by a crane (don't ask). There will be further shenanigans that prove there's more to Michael and Kat, but will Alfie realise this? (don't care)
Of course, Kat wants to be with Alfie and people who like Eastenders want them (Kalfie? Aat?) to be together too. But first there must be misunderstandings, tough choices, and even a solitary tear rolling down Alfie?s cheek (watch out for it, it's coming). And of course, Kat being Kat, we must watch her totally 100% want to do something / say something / admit something, but instead do the total opposite. Like she's really hungry and someone offers her a free meal, but instead of just eating it, she takes a piss all over the food, and shouts a lot.
we're supposed to find this loveable, but it isn't, it's mental.
All the while, there are rumblings that Billy may have been the victim of abuse at his old child care home, which will explain some fairly erratic behaviour. Poor Billy, yet again he will try to impress at yet another role (in the nightclub), but mess it up and get thrown out.
As if things couldn't get worse, he?ll then snog Jean, and spend the night with her! Finally, when his shameful secret is rumbled, like any thick man, he?ll tell everyone how drunk he was and how she took advantage, but Stacey will hear it, and not be too pleased?
Hope this hasn't spoilt things for you, but hey, these are spoilers. It’s you’re own fault really.