One of these days, we swear to god, DMX is going to do something within the confines of the law – and that’ll be a story.
But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.
Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!
There are basically two types of criminal in the world – evil, facially-scarred criminal masterminds who test the world’s notions of good and evil via a series of diabolical life or death morality games conceived to lure the Batman out of hiding, and really stupid criminals who only get arrested because they’re massive idiots.
Guess which one of these DMX is.
That’s right. DMX doesn’t break the law because he’s evil. All DMX wants is to paint the world rainbow-coloured with his sunny feelgood hits like Fuck Y’All, Kiss Of Death and Keep Your Shit The Hardest. Problem being, of course, that DMX is an idiot.
Since hecklerspray started, DMX has been arrested for an endlessly mind-boggling array of utterly pointless crimes. Like the time he crashed his car and told everyone that he was in the FBI.
Or the time that he didn’t want to fasten his seatbelt on a plane.
Or the time that he hid a gun from some police officers in a breathtakingly cack-handed way.
Or the time that police discovered the partially-burnt corpses of several malnourished dogs in his garden.
We could go on. But the point is that DMX is hardly a Bond villain, is he? Unless Quantum Of Solace turns out to be about 007 chasing a slightly dim rapper who tried to avoid paying a hospital bill in a really stupid way.
Because that’s what DMX has been arrested for this time. According to reports, DMX was arrested on suspicion of felony identity theft on Saturday after he attempted to give a fake identity and social security number to the hospital that treated him for pneumonia back in April.
DMX was arrested for this offence at a shopping mall in Phoenix but, before he was hauled off to the police station, DMX did perhaps the funniest thing anyone has ever done during an arrest. E! Online has details:
As he was being carted off by officers, the rapper turned to the hastily congregated group of local news cameras, said, “harrassment,” and shook his head.
Genius. Anyway, since this is the fifth time that DMX has been arrested within the space of three months, there’s every chance that he could wind up in jail if he’s convicted. That would be an absolute outrage, because pithy celebrity news blogs like us rely on DMX’s continued arsefaced stupidity for our livelihood.
What if DMX goes to jail? What will we have left to write about then? The occasional in-cell stabbing? A violent bumming or two? That’s boring. Free DMX! Or send him to jail. In retrospect we don’t actually care that much.