The start of a new year is a time to wipe the slate clean, to reflect on one’s past negativity and move on determined to right one’s wrongs imbued with a fresh sense of goodwill and radiant positivity.
And that’s why the very first hecklerspray post of 2008 is all about celebrity divorces. Not only that, but it’s a betting odds post, meaning that we’re effectively giving you the chance to make a crazy amount of money by exploiting the misery of others. Over the next couple of days we’re giving you the chance to bet on which celebrity couple will be the first to file for divorce in 2008. Bah, radiant positivity is overrated, anyway.
So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, Posh and Becks and Ashley and Cheryl Cole, with help from Paddy Power…
Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas – It’s a possibility that Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas will file for divorce in 2008, but we can’t see it happening. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have a strong, watertight marriage based on honesty, trust and Catherine’s cat-like ability to wipe liquidised vegetable from Michael’s chin with a napkin before anyone else notices. And anyway, would you try and get your claws on half the Douglas millions if you were Catherine Zeta-Jones? Of course not – you’d wait a couple of years and pick up the whole lot in the will. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 50/1
Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman – As anyone with even a semi-functioning set of eyes will be able to tell you, Christina Aguilera is pregnant. Almost disgustingly so – the woman looks like a massive juddering cyst that’s learnt how to wail, for Christ’s sake. So would Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman really file for divorce in the same year as their newborn baby was born? Maybe – after all, Aguilera looks like enough of a nightmare as it is, so imagine what she’d be like after six months of staying awake to let a screaming naked animal chew on her tit. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 25/1
Posh & Becks – Fact: there has never been a marriage in all of history as strong as that of Posh and Becks. It’s rock solid and based completely on love and not a cynical determination to exploit an invented brand for financial gain like some people think. But 2007 was a tough year for Posh & Becks since they spent much of it apart – with Posh traipsing around the world honking out one single line in the Spice Girls reunion concert and Becks screwing up his big American football move – so will 2008 see a divorce? Oh, we don’t bloody care. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 20/1
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – In many ways, Katie Holmes is the perfect woman for Tom Cruise because she’s far less famous than him, is largely silent and owns a womb that’s in the perfect shape for blasting out enigmatic Cruise baby after enigmatic Cruise baby. Despite this, the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes marriage has never been completely convincing, so could it all end in divorce this year? Sweet baby Xenu, we hope not – even if it’s all a total sham, we still want Tom and Katie to stay together. Anything that stops Katie Holmes from acting is just dandy by us. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 18/1
Ashley & Cheryl Cole – Has there ever been a celebrity marriage as thunderingly pointless as that of Ashley & Cheryl Cole? They’re just like Posh & Becks but without all the sparkling conversation and intimidating intellectual insight and not a single person would even muster the tiniest fart if they filed for divorce in 2008. Having said that, we do think that Ashley and Cheryl Cole should try as hard as they can to work through whatever marital problems they encounter in 2008, because a divorce would probably spark off a billion different new vapid ghostwritten autobiographies between the pair of them, and we don’t know if our minds could take it. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 10/1
Tomorrow – celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power celebrity divorce betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.
Miguel Induran says
how about Maria Carey and Nick Cannons odds inside of this year
let see, they got married after knowing each other for about 6 weeks
they got tattoos of each others name
and oh yes they are using the “he/she is my soulmate” response