Something?s just go well together: Shoes, socks. Skrillex, deaf people. Shark Week, masturbation. But one perfect pairing has until this moment been left criminally unexplored: Eternally cool, sexually ambiguous, glam rock demigod David Bowie and his many classic duets combined with the testosterone laden, homo-erotically underpinned, cinematic trope of the buddy cop action movie.
No more will these two great tastes that taste great together be tasted separately. Let's reimagine all of David Bowie?s most famous duets as buddy cop action movies.
1977,?David Bowie and Bing Crosby in The Little Drummer Boy
One?s an alcoholic, pipe smoking American cop two weeks from retirement who likes to beat his kids with sacks of oranges so it doesn't leave a bruise. The other?s a preening, coked out, bisexual British detective who looks like a vampire dying from the last stages of AIDS. Together the Old Groaner and the Thin White Dick are going to bust up a ring of white slavery child abductors and ensure that instead of a ?White Christmas? the perps responsible have a red one. But can the gruff and traditional value espoused Bing ever find a way to work with the unorthodox and icily flamboyant Bowie? When Christmas is at stake they damn well better. This ultraviolent Dirty Harry style romp?s edge is offset with the kindler moments of a drunk and junkie bonding over mutual addiction. Just don't call Bowie Bing?s partner, he has wife and kids dammit, he doesn't have any swish in his sleigh.
1981,?David Bowie and Freddie Mercury in Under Pressure
Detectives Bowie and Mercury were just two glam rock cops in the early 80?s out looking for good times and a few bad boys who needed their bums punished. But when social injustice leaves people desperate, homeless and turning to crime for an answer, the two must find a way to fight the pressure that puts ?people on streets?. Together they're a two-headed gorgon of pomp and circumvent, twisting the law in order to dole out hot frothy justice. From one head ?s mismatched eyes Bowie shoots sex lasers while from the other glitter venom drips from the tips of his partner?s trademark Freddie Mercury fangs. Caring for the people on the edge of the night they battle the terror of knowing what this world is about. But who cares for them? Can Bowie save Freddie from his decadent nights of empty, meaningless, super hot bathhouse sex? Bathhouse sex where it's moustache on moustache, like two mighty pubic ice glaciers grinding against one another until they're rubbed raw from the friction and then finally fall apart into wetness. Can Bowie save him from that? Likewise can Freddie save poor Bowie from his vanilla hell plastic fantastic life of wife and kids hetero purgatory? Will either sit idly by while a good friend screams, ?Let me out!? But most importantly can the two realize they're more than just partners? Can they give themselves one more chance? Why can't they give love one more chance?
1984,?David Bowie and Tina Turner in Tonight
So in this one Bowie?s partnered up with undercover cop Tina Turner who's working a prostitution sting. Why prostitution? Because look at Tina Turner circa ?84.? I'm sorry I love Tina and all but she looks like a body building streetwalker with a chow chow merkin strapped to her head like a skullcap. So her and David will pair up, bust up some scuzzlord pimps, played by Iggy Pop (who wrote the song) and Ike Turner, (just so he gets his wife beating ass handed to him) and see if they have enough time left over tonight to dance awkwardly together. Also there’s this, the similarity is downright eerie:
1985,?David Bowie and Mick Jagger in Dancing In The Street
And finally we have this international themed, white knuckle thrill ride, starring two middle aged white guys obviously in love with each other, dressed like hairdressers and dancing in defiance of all conceptions of rhythmic moving. Here, here?s the video, just picture this only two hours long and with guns.
Yeah, I can't finish it either.