Hollywood hard-man Bruce Willis has managed to cheat death whilst attending a screening of his latest testosterone fuelled blockbuster. What was the source of the action star?s brush with death I hear you ask, an escalator.
No, you didn't read that wrong, Bruce Willis was nearly maimed by a moving staircase whilst on the way to watch his new film, Red, which sees Willis staring alongside John Malkovic and Dame Helen Mirren as?a retired CIA black-ops agent that’s being hunted down. Only in America.
Apparently, whilst attending a movie screening an escalator Willis was travelling on accelerated rapidly to roller coaster like speeds, causing people to jump to safety. Seriously, they had to jump to safety? from an escalator? we're not making this up!
America is one of those odd countries that doesn't believe in stairs. Stairs require a person to walk, which is a lot of effort when you weigh as much as a small house, so nearly every step in the entire country is movable, that way it's easier to eat a bucket of fried chicken whilst travelling between floors.
The details of Willis? escape from the escalator of certain death are scarce, so we can only speculate, but we here at Hecklerspray are sure that Willis instantly switched into John McClane mode. He obviously saw the escalator as a terrorist plot to ruin his clean vest and so began to stalk it and places plastic explosive between the steps before base-jumping off the handrail to safety.
Meanwhile, Justin Long looked on whilst shouting, ?Duuuuuuuuuuude! You totally just jumped off a escalator!? Before Willis dusted himself off and quipped, ?I like to stay one step ahead.?
Thankfully, Willis was not hurt in his utterly ridiculous dice with the stairway to hell. He looked the grim reaper right in the eye, before shouting, ?yippy kay yay mother?? punching him square in the face and going in to watch his latest film.
Unconfirmed reports are stating that Willis? vest was not harmed in the assault and that it was in fact cleaner after the incident than it was before.
Next week: Sylvester Stallone squares off against a deadly cream cake.
Chris Bell says
As an American, I would take offense at your comment about how much we weigh and how little effort we put into moving, except it’s very funny mostly because it’s true.
But really, leave our collective fat butts alone and go get your teeth fixed, you British twat.