If any of you hear a soft squeaking noise today, ignore it – it’s just Jennifer Aniston polishing her genitals.
Or maybe not. Maybe it’s Brad Pitt‘s ratty beard bristling with discomfort. Or all of the Brangelina kids whining “Why mummy? Why?” at Angelina Jolie in all of their respective languages. Oh, who are we kidding? It’s definitely Jennifer Aniston buffing her tumpsy.
And she’s wise to because, if reports are to be believed, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split up. Of course, sources close to the couple have denied the rumours, but let’s ignore them. Because, people of Earth, it looks like your chances of copping off with either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie have just risen from ‘impossible’ to ‘statistically inconceivable’. Result!
Every fairytale has to come to an end eventually. Admittedly most tend to come to an end with ‘and they all lived happily ever after’ rather than ‘they decided to split up, and briefly considered exploring the legal ramifications of sending their kids back to the third world or offloading them onto Madonna or whatever’, but that’s Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for you. Theirs was never a traditional fairytale.
For instance, in most fairytales, the charming prince doesn’t have a mangy old beard. And the princess doesn’t only make films about either crying or explosions. And they usually feature actual dwarves, instead of a spectrum of non-unionised toddlers plucked from the poorest corners of the world. But anyway, we digress. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly splitting up. Here’s how the News Of The World broke the story yesterday:
Dynamite legal papers secretly signed by the couple this month detail how all their homes and assets will be carved up… Preparations for a split began in early December when “Brangelina” visited a top Los Angeles divorce firm to begin thrashing out the deal. An announcement of their separation is expected to be made soon.
That’s not to say that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are definitely splitting up, though – a source close to the couple has dismissed the rumours as untrue. However, because we can’t rule out the possibility that the source was Jon Voight – a man who makes a habit of haplessly burbling on about whatever happens to cross his mind at any given point in time – we’re going to ignore it.
So why are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up? The celebrity magazines have been chucking out reasons for months now – including whispers of fights, infidelities and family squabbles – with the latest one involving Brad Pitt staging a six-hour intervention to try and get Angelina Jolie to seek treatment for depression. All feasible, we suppose, but we think everyone’s missing the bigger picture here.
Remember, Brad Pitt has got a beard that looks like the harrowing results of an ‘eat a bowl of dry pubic hair without using your hands’ competition gone horribly wrong. That in itself is grounds for divorce, surely. For the love of God, won’t somebody think of the children?
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
magnetite says
A six-hour intervention? He’s trying to drive her mad. Pitt and Jolie are channelling Boyer and Bergman in Gaslight.
Unless the first five-and-a-half hours consisted of him trying to catch her as she did unnecessary rolls over car bonnets and fired shotgun blasts at him through those oh-so-flimsy American internal walls, then I’m at a loss to see how the hell a six-hour intervention wouldn’t push her into a low so deep that you sould mine diamonds out of her.
Jolie needs a timely visit to the Tower of London.
Margaret says
I am very concerned that everyone (including Brad’s family) are puting the blame onto Ange – she has to be desperate – she doesn’t have a family (like Brad does) to support her – I really feel for the lady – she is always with the children – taking them places and being a great mother – it is ages since I have seen Brad take Shiloh or Sahara out by himself – Ange does all the time, and her boys. I believe her family are desperate to get him away from Ange and maybe try and get him back with Jennifer – they are a very sad family.
ARG says
Or maybe, and this is just a guess, he’s just not pictured taking them out everywhere and prefers to take them out with more privacy where he can?
We know sod all about anything to do with them but can still be amused by Stuart’s witty articles, regardless of their focus. Just sayin’.
Rebekah says
Yes it may be true that Angelina Jolie does not have a family other then her kids…but then again she has her dad.
And if she would leave married men or men that have girl friends alone people MIGHT like her….but she does not seem to able to do that and look at how many men she has went though. Now she is going after Johnny Depp…..Angelina you need to let the past die and move on and leave men who are ALREADY TAKEN ALONE.
tuncay says
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie news lately separation between the pair grew no smoke without fire winner that will leave our happy couples