This week’s Badvertising was half-written until something dropped through our mould-covered letterbox that was so awful, it couldn’t be left alone for a week. We subsequently scrunched up the previous Badvertising and set it alight, after all this incumbent piece was so sickening to watch that we felt as though we’d been eating another of Matthew Laidlow’s “special curries”.
Let’s give you a little bit of the history, shall we? Way back in Tudor times, men used to place a ball in the- no, you’re right, we’ll bring it up to date a bit. Last year, English Premier League club Blackburn Rovers were bought by an Indian company called Venky’s.
Venky’s sells chicken products and are therefore the perfect company to buy a team of perenially dull under-achievers with all the personality of a really weak stock.
Many moons ago, Blackburn won the Premier League under the guidance of now-Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish. Chris Sutton and Alan Shearer scored 50 goals between them that season, now Rovers are lucky if they can punt the ball forward enough to score 50 goals a season between their entire squad. Yes, despite being one of the least interesting teams in British football they keep managing to cling on to the trap door of the league and avoid relegation.
Bully for them but we’re quite sure you’re bored of all this football talk. After all, this isn’t a football site. So why are we taking such an interest in Blackburn today?
Their owners, famed Indian chicken-peddlers Venky’s have a reputation for being quite deliciously mad having tried audacious bids to bring the likes of Ronaldinho to Ewood Park. They’ve added ‘Orange’ into the colours of the kit so that it fits with their corporate image and they also replaced ‘relegation specialist’ manager Sam Allardyce with ‘unproven boring arsehole’ Steve Kean midway through the season to bemused groans from the Blackburn faithful but now they’ve really gone and taken the piss by having their first team stars appear in an advert.
Enjoy that? Of course not. It was bloody awful. Any fillet-brained fool could see that but it does mark an odd change in the attitude to football clubs by their owners. The idea that a team of professional athletes could be used to peddle what looks like under-cooked chicken is (with the exception of David Dunn), quite alien to most football fans.
Shall we carve the advert? Well, if you insist.
The opening shot is of the Rovers’ dressing room during what appears to be a mild earthquake and the camera pans out to the first team huddled together in one of the classic protection manoeuvres for falling debris. After all, they don’t want to get knocked out as that might impact upon their money-earning potential.
Cue a Pulp Fiction-esque shot of all the players looking down at the camera. There’s a look of steely determination on their faces. After all, the ceiling could fall in on them at any moment. There’s no escape, there’s nothing but the bright light of death beckoning them onwards towards… oh, it seems to have passed. They’re still alive.
It must time to celebrate with some chicken!
After they all cross themselves, implying a level of religious fervour in the sale of chicken that we here at hecklerspray were previously unaware of the camera reveals the feast. Chicken! Loads of horrible-looking, allegedly piping hot, under-seasoned chicken! Wow! Apparently it’s the taste that brings Blackburn Rovers to India. It’s not, it’s the fact that this advertising deal was probably in their contracts but it’s certainly the taste that will keep them in India.
After all, have you ever tried to take a long-haul flight with explosive?diarrhoea?
Blackburn Rovers, eh? Now we know why they’ve been so drab and awful. They’ve all got tape-worms. It’s a real shame that professional athletes can be dragged down so far by the need to eat (and advertise) chicken products. Still, at least Venky’s are proud to own them, eh? That’s because Venky’s is good for you. Either that or you’d better know what’s good for you. Not questioning the integrity of these delicious chicken products.
Still, it’s not like Venky’s have been winging it (oh, come on) here. Their plan to bring Premiership football to India is a huge money-spinner and owning Blackburn Rovers will only help them on their way to making that money. However, they might not have long before Rovers’ fans are sick and tired of being a laughing stock in the football world and if fans start to fly the coup then they may be left with egg on their… oh, forget it.
Zoe says
I’m just intrigued by their choice of voiceover artist, if I’m honest.
Kevin Shone says
NO SHEET, ONE SHEET.
I see PLENTY are still persevering with the blancmange faced Spaniard, I don’t know what imbecile thought that this was good advertising, but he along with Juan Sheet should be taken to a public place and have their hides nailed to a tree (no offence to conservationists) but I’m with the Romans on this one. Let’s here it for crucifixion, after all, Juan Sheet has tortured the public for far too long.